The Great Crap Fritters
Andy Warhol's Frankenstein
Bloody. Horny. Introspective. Silly.
Barbarella
Barbarella=1, Orgasm machine of death=0.
Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure
The phone is a time machine. Keanu Reeves shows his acting chops. Newton eventually says "righteous dudes". Wow.
Bloodsport
The jumping split kick never looked that lethal to me.
Cobra
Violent, cheese-ball, milestone of dumbness. Stallone is part of the Zombie squad, the cops cops turn to when the city is being terrorized by uber-nasty, model murdering villains.
Commando
Violent, cheese-ball, milestone of misogony. Muscle man kicks the crap out of entire army, gets with Rae Dawn Chong and saves his daughter. Why you ask? Because he's a muscular ex-commando who's been blackmailed into shooting the president of a small country in return for his kidnapped daughter. Yep it's that dumb, and more. Much, much more.
Escape From New York
"Snake Bliskin...I thought you were dead"
First Blood
Disenchanted Vietnam vet returns from war only to find a world that don't care. So he beats up some cops and flees to the hills to fight a allegory for Vietnam mini-war. Sillier than most movies ever get and it's got Brian Dennehy. That's bang for your buck.
Flash Gordon (1980) & Flesh Gordon
The First: Jim the Merciless made me post it. A campy crap time bomb of silliness explodes onto the screen as football refugee Flash saves the world, and his main hottie from the nefarious Ming, his Death Ray and a extremely hot, seductive, evil princess (Incentive for me to go evil anyway). An adeptly inept fun-fest of craptacular proportions rising/diving to new-found depths of corniness unheard of before it's time. If being totally inept were a great thing, this movie would be a masterpiece! The Second: This time Flesh Gordon must save the world from the nefarious Emperor Wang and his sex ray ("The world is going to f**k themselves to death!") whilst battling penisauruses (take a wild guess) and much more. A sterling example of high-budget 70's porn that is endowed with great special effects. Also available in a r-rated version so you can enjoy it with your teenagers and skip the birds and bees speech.
Futurekill
This is an atrocious film. But there is fun to be had. Whilst the plot (What plot) whistles along you and your friends can play, spot the boom mic. The black tube jiggles near the top of screen as if the gaffer was fishing. Said mic eventually nudges one of the characters on the top of the head. Guerrilla Filmmaking...baby!
Harley-Davidson And The Marlboro Man
The worst film ever made. Why wouldn't you want to watch it.
Highlander
"They've been around us for generations, now the final battle begins! Bwahahahahahahaha!" Lambert is the immortal, scots, kilt-wearing, hair-flinging, nicely wench-lusting Highlander of the title. He buckles his swash whilst decapitating foes, yet he loves mortal women...sadly and morosely! Sean Connery molds him into a great swordsman and teaches him how to get struck by lightening and run down dear. Eventually a small group of immortals are left, including and badly dressed, sweaty-toothed bad fella (Clancy Brown). He frightens hotel clerks (smell of breath) and young nubile women (just his smell). They fight to be human, to live, to die, to basically lose out on the great parts of being an immortal. Why you ask? Why the hell not!
Hudson Hawk
Michael Lehmann (Heathers) directs Bruce Willis (Die Hard)in the story of a thief stealing from the Vatican for the CIA. Why you ask? To be honest, I still have no idea. The cast tries so hard to be funny that the movie isn't funny at all, which is precisely why it is funny. Wrap your mind around that one.
Humanoids From The Deep (1980)
A movie about gigantic, mutated, spawn-happy, rapist salmon monsters attacking a fishing village. I ask you, when will you ever see that again?
Mary Reilly
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (John Malkovich) fight for the love of a maid (Julia Roberts) while an aggressive madame tries to blackmail them (Glenn Close). Julia's expressions in this film are priceless...somewhere between I have no idea what I'm doing here and the director told me to look frightened and attracted at the same time. The eventual outcome being she looks like a scared bunny.
The Mummy (1999)
An anemic Raiders Of The Lost Ark for people with really short attention spans. I know what you're thinking, but honestly, that was a short sentence. HOW GREAT ARE Y...!
Night Of The Comet
The comet that killed the dinosaurs (who knew) makes a second pass targetting stupid humans. Young nubile sisters with really bad fashion sense and sensitive truck-drivin' hottie Hector survive only to be menaced by zombie-people and evil scientists. A cheesy, comedically inept sci-fi that's so darn fun, who cares.
The Night We Never Met
Hugely enjoyable light-weight fluff. Sweet, endearing and badly made can be a good thing.
Poison Ivy
Finally a movie marketed for dirty old men everywhere. It turned a profit on video (Giggle).
Roadhouse
Bouncer bounces small-town thugs and bounces the lady too (that wall looked painful). Meanwhilst his barroom brawlin' sensei comes to his rescue, gives him pep-talks and
Strange Days
An apparatus called a squid allows people to experience each others' experiences. Enter Lenny (Ralph Fiennes), sweaty hustler with a jones for a singer who sounds like a talentless PJ Harvey (Juliet Lewis) while being protected by butt-kicking bodyguard-ess (Angela Bassett). Plus some stuff about conspiracy, serial killers, and the ringing in of the millenium. A molten mass of incoherent mirth, dude.
They Live
Everyone who in power all over the world is actually a pock-marked alien focussed on world domination. Only with special sunglasses can you see their creepy exterior/interior. This explains what Corey Hart was singing about. Ex-wrestler Roddy Piper stars and he whoops smarmy, pock-marked alien ass. Also starring Meg Foster's extremely weird eyeballs, yikes.
Under Siege
Segal, the navy seal/chef, singlehandedly takes on a crack team of evil hi-jackers. Oh yeah and that woman with the huge boobs. Segal frees some prison-o-n-e...and the woman with huge boobs. and on and on.
Willow
A dwarf rescues a baby Moses style and meets a lippy man in a bird cage. There's an apple cart chase, two little smart-assed Brownies with a lusting for beer and bad french accents and a great sorceress in the body of a ferret. But evil Bavmorda will stop at nothing to...well...stop them. Including cat-fighting with another equally aged sorceress. When will you ever (want to) see this kind of thing again. Great line: Willow: What are you doing? Madmartigan: I found some blackroot. She loves it. Willow: Blackroot? I'm the father of two children. You never, ever give a baby blackroot. Madmartigan: Well my mother raised me on blackroot. It's good for you. It put's hair on your chest, doesn't it, Sticks? Willow: Her name is not Sticks! She's Alora Dannen, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she's gonna want is a hairy chest!
Huge boobs, you say? Interesting...
I believe Under Seige is the only Segal movie that approaches palatable. How much of that is owed to the presence of Erika Eleniak, I'll leave to the viewer.
Yep. Glad to have pointed someone else towards life's little pleasures.
You got to admit, Jim. It would be...snicker...half the movie without her.
tallyho
:?)
Surely Flash Gordon can find a place here? "Go Flash Go!"
I can't remember it. Help me out and give a synopsis.
Tallyho
:?)
To see it is to have it burned into your mind forever. If this doesn't jog your memory, how about the soundtrack by Queen? "Flash! Aaa-aaaaah! Savior of the universe!"
Alright, whose shuddering?
(For what it's worth, I list is as a guilty pleasure. Very guilty.)
Thank god I can't remember this film. I do have twinges of a guy sticking his hand into something and screaming. And a really tight red and yellow costume with a big f and a lightening bolt. Ahhhhhh the ability to erase things from your mind. I may have to rent it again...or not.
Tallyho
:?)
Ah yes, the tree-stump-dwelling wrist-stinging monster. Priceless. If you remember that then you must remember Flash (Sam Jones?) being forced to fight Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton!) on that big floating tilting remote-controlled spiky platform by Prince Vultan (Brian Blessed!). While Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) exhorts him from the sidelines: "Flash, Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!"
Arrrrrgh! My eyes. lol. I just remembered another scene. Stop. Please stop.
Tallyho
:?)
Priest: Do you, Ming the Merciless, Ruler of the Universe, take this Earthling Dale Arden, to be your Empress of the Hour?
Ming the Merciless: Of the hour, yes.
Priest: Do you promise to use her as you will?
Ming: Certainly!
Priest: Not to blast her into space?
[Ming glares at priest]
Priest: Uh, until such time as you grow weary of her.
Ming: I do.
Dale Arden: I do NOT!
Just surrender and add it to the list already! :-) I've got a million of 'em (actually, I had to get the exact wording from the IMDb, but with such resources at my command I could go on forever).
Okay. Okay. The quotes widdled away my will power.
Tallyho
:?)
"Jim the Merciless". Perhaps my favorite of the various titles bestowed on me here.
You're welcome. :?)
Any chance you'll wanna see the counterpart, FLESH GORDON!?
Also what's your opinion on historical epics?
Tallyho
:?)
Now that Flash made the cut, I'll have to start working on you to get The Beastmaster added. :-)
I would have to find the right crowd to watch Flesh Gordon with, and I think such a crowd is unlikely to come along any time soon. I can't bring myself to rent it for solo viewing after the family has gone to bed.
As for historical epics, I usually find them either enjoyable or ponderous, but not both.
Ha! There will be no Beastmastering here my friend. Just too much Marc Singer in that film, his silly spaghetti arms flailing around swords looks really weird.
Stand at the video store counter proudly, chest puffed out and say "Son...gimme Flesh Gordon!". Then watch him wander away snickering and point you out to the rest of the employees from afar.
I'm waiting for your Troy review, AJ's really long (just kidding) review was great. Now it's yer turn to critique Brad Pitt's hard bod and other vicarious thrills.
I'm not going to watch it in the theatre, whatd'ya think I am, crazy.
I am considering two other films, what about Real Genius and Threesome?
Tallyho
:?)
I'm looking forward to *renting* Troy as well. Real Genius is a definitely a contender, but I haven't seen Threesome.
Jim, you must rent it. It's like a psuedo-dirty three's company, except with two guys. You could also lend me some answers to various questions I have about the film.
Tallyho
:?)
Okay, it's on my burgeoning "to see" list, but pretty far down there.
Understandable considering it's going on a list called great crap fritters.
Tallyho
:?)
A question for anyone who reads this list. Do you want to see any of these movies (if you haven't already seen them)?
Tallyho
:?)
Highlander is a great movie, but (like many many movies - including Kill Bill) you have to first suspend disbelief to get past your initial scorn and prejudices.
It is superbly photographed, great production, fantastic music (from Queen), it is exciting and moving.
However, I do agree with you on some of the other movies, such as Mary Reilly which I saw last week (watching Julia Roberts is always priceless).
Thanks for the reply, allow me to retort.
I would have to say that Highlander had a magnificent location director and Christopher Lambert is an extremely bad actor who looks really good in this movie. He is as smoothly handsome as Jude Law and is as technically skilled as Jan Michael Vincent. (I love the pained expressions...Did I eat my wheaties this morning? Oh god! My fiber intake. Rescue me, oh breakfast cereal.)But the rest of it, well, the film-making is...interesting...full of piss and vineger as southern folks tend to say. However, the photography was really dark, cloudy, not that well lit and kinda jerky. The same style of camera-work is used much more efficiently (and steadily) in Menace To Society. I would guess that is what (director) R.M. wanted Highlander to look like, based on such later Russell Mulchahey classics as The Real Macoy and Highlander II: The Quickening(rockin'). And Queen is...well...Queen, god love 'em. Not sure about the production part since it seems adequate.
However, I am not saying that I hate these films, in fact I enjoy them greatly for one reason or another. But as the old expression points out you can't make silk purses out of sow's ears.
Tallyho
:?)
Funny list. LOL.
I haven't seen the following, but would like to:
First Blood (merely because I haven't seen any Rambo)
Barbarella
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
The Mummy
Strange Days
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is classic. What other movie features two burnout teen-age guitar players; a prophet played by George Carlin; Napoleon; Beethoven; Abraham Lincoln; and Socrates?
It's an iconic movie.
True trivia: the voice of the stop-motion monster at the end of Flesh Gordon is voiced by the coach himself, Craig T. Nelson.
That film is unique, to say the least. I watched it under the ideal conditions for such a film - I was in junior high school, it was past two AM, and the large crowd I was part of had just polished off Dolemite...
For what it is worth, the hardcore version of Flesh is long lost; only the unrated, edited version exists at the present.
Shalom, y'all!
L. Bangs
Yep. Craig T. was a grunting voice-over pioneer.
I have a Dolemite quote over in the quotes file. Sounds like a hell of a 2-fer lb. What exactly is your opinion of the Dolemite + Flesh experience? Is there a story? Please enlighten.
Ahhhhhh, the discussion of psuedo-porn of Jim's web-site.
Tallyho
:?)
All this talk about Flash/Flesh Gordon reminded me of "Masters of the Universe" with Dolph Lundgren from '87. Have you had the privilege? ;^) It even stars Meg Foster's eyes.
My goodness, yes I have had the "pleasure", Courteney Cox as a dorky pre-Friends teenager, Dolph's really huge pecks and The Cosmic Key. Whoo-hoo. And who can forget the taglines: A Battle Fought In The Stars Now Comes To Earth and The Live-Action Motion Picture and Only the universe could hold adventure this big!(ha! that one's great). Videodetective.com has the hilarious original preview.
It's one of the movies that narrowly missed this list.
Tallyho
:?)