Fictional Women I'm In Love With (Or Would Be...Y'know, If They Were Real)

If these women were real, I'd be in love with them.

(At least that's my official line. Anything else would probably lead to some disturbing questions about fiction and reality.)

Organized alphabetically by last name:

Pam Beesly, as played by Jenna Fischer on The Office

I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

The heart of both the UK and US versions of The Office (and I'm sure the numerous other incarnations as well, none of which I've had the pleasure of seeing) is the relationship between the sales rep and the receptionist at the titular paper company office. In the UK, it's Tim and Dawn at Wernham Hogg; in the US, it's Jim and Pam at Dunder Mifflin. Both start as a playful friendship with mutual romantic undercurrents before blossoming into full-on love, and both are extremely powerful and effective. And while I'd have to pick Tim and Dawn if I had a loaded gun to my head, there's no denying the fact that I love Pam way more than I do Dawn. Now, don't get me wrong, I love 'em both...but there's just something about Pam that's totally irresistible. She constantly falls prey to boss Michael's horrific jokes and unwittingly appalling insults (though I guess pretty much everyone does), one of which even made her start sobbing. But she's not some fragile little girl, she's a clever, resilient woman whose wit perfectly matches and complements Jim's. Pam is also the most normal and down-to-earth Office worker...and that always holds appeal.

Lorelai Gilmore, as played by Lauren Graham on Gilmore Girls

This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

From the very first episode, there had never been any doubt as to who my favorite Gilmore girl was: Lorelai. Duh. I love Rory too, of course (how could you not?), but Lorelai is just a brilliant character played with amazing panache by Lauren Graham. Lorelai is independent, beautiful, smart, and incredibly witty, not to mention fast on her feet. Her vast, seemingly endless knowledge and wit are intimidating, which is some kind of perverse turn-on. She's also totally flighty, slightly insane, and saddled with a ton of committment issues, but that's okay by me. In interviews and the like that I've seen with Gilmore creator Amy Sherman-Palladino, she pretty much acts exactly like Lorelai. I can see why her husband/fellow Gilmore writer Daniel was attracted.

Clementine Kruczynski, as played by Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.

I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on opening night with my then-girlfriend Amanda. It was our first date. And it ended up being stunningly prophetic; our relationship pretty much paralleled that of Kate Winslet's Clementine Kruczynski and Jim Carrey's Joel Barish, only with less mind-erasing. Eternal Sunshine is a masterpiece in its own right, but it has a personal significance for me rivaled by very few other works. When I watch it, it's impossible not to think of Clementine as an Amanda archetype, all spontaneity and impulse, always changing hair color and with a fascinatingly bizarre sense of humor. And I'm Joel, the quiet, nervous guy who opens up only once you get to know him. In the end, it doesn't work out, but it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Glad I gave it a spin.

Willow Rosenberg, as played by Alyson Hannigan on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I'm talking! Don't interrupt me! Insignificant man. I am Willow. I am death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true. Okay?

Willow was probably the first fictional crush I ever had. (And again you'll have to trust me that that's not as creepy as it sounds.) I'm thinking more high school Willow, before she became a (dangerously) powerful Wiccan. Superpowered Willow is just as beautiful and as loveable as normal ol' Willow--that sentiment is one of the show's major thematic points--but I get a strong sense of nostalgia thinking about the Willow whose awkward yet geeky-cute outfit made Cordelia spit, "Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears." The Willow who was madly in love with lifelong best friend Xander (who, like Joel Barish, is a me archetype) but was too afraid to say anything. The Willow who tried to seduce Oz with skimpy clothes and Barry Manilow (Oz said she didn't need that to draw him, but did say that his true fantasy had something to do with "a feather boa and the theme from A Summer's Place"). Willow eventually fell in love with fellow Wiccan Tara, but sexual orientation doesn't matter; I'll always love her.

Ultimate Mary Jane Watson, as created by Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley

I have a--yeah--I have a pretty strict 'no super hero' rule, so...

I've dug all of MJ's incarnations: The feisty supermodel from the comics (after her annoying hippie phase in the late 60's), Kirsten Dunst's budding actress in the Spider-Man films whose only flaw was bitching way too much, and the confused yet brave and intelligent teenager of Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spider-Man comic book series which serves as a brilliant re-imagining of the Spider-Man mythology. But it's that last one who I would give my heart to, were she more than just numerous drawings on reams of glossy paper. Not only does she have a hell of a lot of spunk and brains, but she's real. One of Bendis' greatest strengths is making every larger-than-life character and every outlandish plot twist believable, and he gets the minutiae of adolescence, high school, and high school relationships down to a very admirable "T." MJ feels like she could be a real sophomore girl despite the fact that she dates a world-renowned superhero and was once thrown off the Brooklyn Bridge by a mentally unstable millionaire businessman who had mutated himself into a gigantic goblin.

Honorable Mentions:

Kaylee Frye, as played by Jewel Staite on Firefly and in Serenity - She is sweetness and light personified.
Penny Lane, as played by Kate Hudson in Almost Famous - She's mysterious, beautiful, charming, and totally unattainable. Yep, perfect mix.
Tara Maclay, as played by Amber Benson on Buffy the Vampire Slayer - She was Willow's eventual lesbian lover, and also just about the nicest, most caring person ever.
Ultimate Gwen Stacy, as created by Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley - Apparently I have a thing for high school girls in Spider-Man comics.
Margot Tenenbaum, as played by Gwyneth Paltrow in The Royal Tenenbaums - Another so-smart-it's-intimidating chick. Plus I think it might have something to do with that Nico song when she got off the bus.