The Editing Room: Very Bad Things

VERY BAD THINGS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Collin Samatas

FADE IN:

INT. LOCAL INSANE ASYLUM - NIGHT

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X is sitting at his typewriter. He is
completely stark-raving bonkers.

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X
Hahaha. I am a kook. Seeing as how
Hollywood will turn just about
anything into a movie these days, I
will write a script that is just as
crazy as me. I will make each
character completely, 100%
dislikeable. I will make the movie a
dark comedy...No wait, a DARKER THAN
DARK comedy. Just for kicks, I will
also throw in lots of blood and gore!
Hahaha. And Cameron Diaz will be a
bitch in it!!

INT. BANK (OR SOMETHING) - DAY

JON FAVREAU and CAMERON DIAZ are waiting in line with
some sort of ENVELOPE. They are getting married soon.

CAMERON DIAZ
Honey, did you remember to pay the
money for the custom-made, $10,000 red
carpeting?

JON FAVREAU
Yep.

CAMERON DIAZ
Well, how about the check for the
pure, imported, golden-silk bows to
tie all over the church?

JON FAVREAU
Check.

CAMERON DIAZ
What about the check for all the
pretty bubbles and fudge?

JON FAVREAU
Uh...Yeah.

CAMERON DIAZ
What about the TENT CHECK!?

JON FAVREAU
Oops, must've missed that one. Sorry,
girly.

CAMERON DIAZ
YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! I'm sick of
doing everything!! You can't even
remember the stupid tent check! You
suck! Now our wedding won't be
obsessive-compulsively perfect! I am a
creature like no other, I will not be
average like those people on Oprah and
The View! You don't love me!!

JON FAVREAU
Um, sorry honey. Really I am. I love
you like no other! I'll make
everything OK. If this was real life,
I'd kill myself.

CAMERON DIAZ
Yay! Just don't have too much fun at
your bachelor party, because you knew
you'd be getting into a life of hell
when you started dating me.

JON FAVREAU
Right. I promise, I will have no fun,
and I will definitely not sleep with a
prostitute.

EXT. UNSOLD HOUSE - DAY

CHRISTIAN SLATER is talking to a HOT HOOKER on his CELL
PHONE. We can tell that he is a RICH, EVIL DICKHEAD.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
(evil smirk)
My friend Jon Favreau is getting
married to some blonde bitch so I want
you, a cheap and dirty prostitute, to
come to his bachelor party and fuck
his brains out, since he won't get
much from that girl of his.

HOT HOOKER
Okie dokie, tee hee hee!

EXT. DANIEL STERN'S HOUSE IN SUBURBS - DAY

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN is filming JON FAVREAU, DANIEL STERN
(her husband), CHRISTIAN SLATER, JEREMY PIVEN and LELAND
ORSER with a videocamera. Her UGLY AND VILE CHILDREN are
standing near her. CAMERON DIAZ is also here.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Now all of you promise me you won't
come home with a bunch of STD's from
some prostitute.

ALL FIVE MEN
We promise.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Bye honey!!!

UGLY AND VILE CHILDREN
Bye Dad!!!

DANIEL STERN
Being a neurotic and funny-looking
yuppie, I secretly hate you all. It's
good to get away with my friends in my
rich minivan that is MINE.

CAMERON DIAZ
And DON'T be home late or I'll
emasculate you even more so than I
already have!

INT. CAR - DAY

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Daniel Stern, you drive like a pussy.
You're a Jew.

DANIEL STERN
FUCK YOU!

LELAND ORSER
...

JEREMY PIVEN
Shut the fuck up, all of you!! Fuck
fuck fuck!

A CELL PHONE rings somewhere.

JON FAVREAU
Shut up you guys, it's my fiance
calling!
(picks up the phone)
Hello? Hi Honey.

CAMERON DIAZ
(using complex, scientific
mathematical formulae to
predict which guests will
come to the wedding, in
which order)
Did you get the check problems ironed
out? Do you love me? WELL, DO YOU!?

JON FAVREAU
Right, yeah, sure. Gotta go.
(hangs up)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Ha ha, Daniel Stern drives his ugly
minivan like a pussy Jew, ha ha ha.

DANIEL STERN
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

INT. HOTEL ROOM

ALL FIVE MEN are stoned and drunk. Music is blasting.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Wow, this is the life. Anybody want
some cocaine?

JEREMY PIVEN
Hell yeah!

DANIEL STERN
(drunk)
Hey Jon, when your kids turn out to be
ugly and vile like mine, help 'em out.
How does that sound?

LELAND ORSER takes a hit through his WATER BONG, then
jumps through the GLASS TABLE. Everybody in the movie
laughs.

AUDIENCE
This is starting to get disturbing.

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X
Heh heh heh. Just you wait, my
pretties.

JON FAVREAU goes to the telephone to call CAMERON DIAZ.

JON FAVREAU
Hi Honey. I can't stop thinking about
how much I love you.

CAMERON DIAZ
Well, you should. Are you in jail yet?

JON FAVREAU
Shut up bitch.
(hangs up)

CAMERON DIAZ
What?

The HOT HOOKER comes in. She is a HOT and EROTIC.

HOT HOOKER
Hey everybody! Who wants a ride?

JON FAVREAU
Sorry, but I love Cameron Diaz and
cannot.

JEREMY PIVEN
I'll take wild ride, baby!

HOT HOOKER
Ugh. You wouldn't have been my first
choice, but whatever.

JEREMY PIVEN and HOT HOOKER go into bathroom and fuck,
but HOT HOOKER accidently gets thrown into a hook on the
wall and dies.

JEREMY PIVEN
(runs out screaming)
Oh no!! I killed the Hot Hooker
accidently!

JON FAVREAU
Uh oh.

DANIEL STERN
You little fucking idiot! Now we're
really up shit's creek!!

LELAND ORSER
...

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Calm down. Nobody knows she's here,
and nobody's going to know.

SECURITY GUARD
(knocking on door, from
offstage)
What's going on in there? Any foul
play?

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Um...Come on in, Mr. Security Guard,
sir. We're good guys.

As the SECURITY GUARD comes in, CHRISTIAN SLATER brutally
murders him with a CHAMPAGNE OPENER. This is GORY.

SECURITY GUARD
AIEEEE!!!!! I'M BLEEDING!!!! HELP
ME!!!

AUDIENCE
This is totally sick! What the fuck is
this shit?

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X
This shit is very bad things. Ha ha
ha!!

DANIEL STERN
FUCK! We have two dead bodies and now
we are going to get thrown in jail! Oh
my god!

JON FAVREAU
Damnit, there goes my wedding to
Cameron Diaz!

LELAND ORSER
...

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Alright, this is just a simple problem
we've got here. If you think things
out with the same madman's logic that
I use, you'll realize that we have
nothing left to do but cut up the
bodies and bury them in the desert,
then go home. If one of us talks about
this, the rest of us will kill him.
This is the rational and intelligent
thing to do, given the circumstances.
Besides, I don't want to go to jail.

JON FAVREAU
Sounds good to me.

DANIEL STERN
(crying)
Please forgive us, God!

JEREMY PIVEN
You're a Jew. You're not allowed to
beg forgiveness from God.

EXT. RITZY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

DANIEL STERN
(crying)
I can't take this anymore! I was never
good at keeping secrets!! Plus, I'm
worried about my precious minivan!!

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Alright, that's it...Now I'm going to
have to...

JEREMY PIVEN
I'm going to run into your minivan
with my car, Daniel Stern!! Don't
stand in the way!

DANIEL STERN
I'll do whatever the fuck I want!

JEREMY PIVEN plows into the side of DANIEL STERN'S
minivan, with DANIEL STERN standing in the way. This sick
development ALMOST looks like an accident, and somehow
looks funny.

JEREMY PIVEN
Oh shoot! I accidently killed Daniel
Stern!

CAMERON DIAZ
(walking out from restaurant)
Jon!! Get in here! It doesn't matter
if somebody is dead, because this is
our WEDDING DINNER!!

JON FAVREAU
Oy vey.

INT. DANIEL STERN'S HOUSE IN SUBURBS - NIGHT

JEREMY PIVEN, CHRISTIAN SLATER, JON FAVREAU, LELAND ORSER
and JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN are arguing.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Okay, now that my ugly children are in
bed, we can talk straight up.
Since my husband is now dead from
being accidently hit by a car, I know
something is up. So, what happened at
your bachelor party, Jon Favreau?

JON FAVREAU
Nothing. I promise.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Christian Slater? What happened, you
motherfucking asshole?

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Nothing happened, girl.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Pinky swear?

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Sure.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Jeremy Piven, you who killed Daniel
Stern, what happened at that bachelor
party?

JEREMY PIVEN
(crying)
Um...Nothing...Um...Well, it was like
this...

CHRISTIAN SLATER pulls out a gun and blows JEREMY PIVEN'S
head off. This comes as a complete surprise to the
AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE
HOLY SHIT!!!!

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
(confused)
What was that all about, Christian
Slater?

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Come into the other room for a second.
The room with the pillows.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
Okay.

CHRISTIAN SLATER smothers JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN with a
pillow.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Now Jon Favreau, take the disgusting
and revolting children of Daniel Stern
and Jeanne Tripplehorn and give them
to your fiance, Cameron Diaz. Nothing
bad will happen now. I repeat, nothing
bad will happen now. Let me just
dispose of these corpses...

JON FAVREAU
Okay.

LELAND ORSER
...

INT. WEDDING CHAPEL PREPARATION ROOM - DAY

CAMERON DIAZ
Yay! It's time for my perfect wedding!

JON FAVREAU
Um, honey...We bought a prostitute at
my bachelor party, but she died. Then,
Christian Slater killed a security
guard. Jeremy Piven killed Daniel
Stern, but Christian Slater killed
Jeremy Piven and Jeanne
Tripplehorn...We've been really bad...

CAMERON DIAZ
Shut up, you.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Jon, I will now kill you, because you
did not give me the insurance money
from the deaths of Daniel Stern and
Jeanne Tripplehorn!!

JON FAVREAU
What the fuck?!?!

CAMERON DIAZ
(grabbing a large piece of
wood)
No Christian Slater! You can't kill
Jon! This is MY DAY!!!!!!!

CAMERON DIAZ bashes CHRISTIAN SLATER'S face in with the
large piece of wood.

CAMERON DIAZ
(giggles)
Now, with that messy piece of business
taken care of, let's go get married.
Then, kill Leland Orser because he is
the only other person who knows about
all that shit.

JON FAVREAU
But all he ever says is "..."!

CAMERON DIAZ
(mounts Jon, starts
dryhumping him)
Do you love me? Do it!

JON FAVREAU
Yes, honey.

CAMERON DIAZ
And don't forget to stick Christian
Slater in the toilet. I have to go
wash this vinyl wedding dress, because
there is yucky blood all over it.

JON FAVREAU and LELAND ORSER are driving, but get into a
car accident and become crippled and horribly scarred.
CAMERON DIAZ starts screaming because she realizes she is
doomed to eternal hell as a SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE with UGLY
AND VILE CHILDREN.

AUDIENCE
(crying, vomiting, self-
mutilating)
What kind of a sick piece of shit
movie was that?! That was insane!

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X
My legacy, folks!

CORPORATE EXECUTIVES IN
HOLLYWOOD
Fantastic! I smell a sequel!

The AUDIENCE (those that have not gone completely, stark-
raving bonkers) runs away in terror.

END