The Editing Room: U-571

U-571: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Alexander Wiebe

FADE IN:

EXT. THE OCEAN

A GERMAN SUB is ruthlessly bombed by Allied fleets.

AUDIENCE
Gee, those Germans are regular people
too. I feel sorry for these guys.

DIRECTOR JONATHAN MOSTOW
Oops.

The GERMANS MASSACRE a raft full of unarmed survivors.

AUDIENCE
What was I thinking? Fucking Germans!
Die Germans die!

DIRECTOR JONATHAN MOSTOW
That’s better.

CUT TO:

INT. DANCE HALL SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA

The NAVY GUYS are at one of those stock WW2 parties.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
So tell me, Captain Bill Paxton, why
did you not recommend me for captain?

BILL PAXTON
Look son, it’ll be some time yet...
almost half an hour... before you get
your own command. And "if" you ever
do, there will be certain hard
realities you "might" have to
confront.
To choose a random example, you
"might" have to order a young guy to
almost certain death in order to save
the entire crew in a vaguely tense
though ultimately implausible final
action sequence. So remember this
advice just "in case" anything
"should" happen to me.

Suddenly BILL PAXTON gets blown up by NAZIS.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Grrr! C’mon guys! Let’s get those
dirty Nazis!

AUDIENCE
You’re gonna get it now, Germans! You
pissed off Matthew McConaughey!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY and the NAVY GUYS (which include
HARVEY KEITEL, the token black guy, and, allegedly, JON
BON JOVI) go and capture the NAZI SUB from the beginning
of the movie. Along the way there is lip service paid to
CODE MACHINES in order to facilitate all this bullshit.

INT: NAZI SUB

HARVEY KEITEL
We have to use this beat-up Nazi sub
because our shiny new American sub got
blown up. I guess we should have left
the sonar on when we entered enemy
waters.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Oh no, depth charges!

Everyone HOLDS STILL and SWEATS. MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS are
heard in-between THAT "PING" NOISE. Then there are CLOSER
EXPLOSIONS that make EVERYTHING SHAKE and PIPES BURST and
WATER SPRAY everywhere. This takes roughly AN HOUR and
anyone who has EVER SEEN an old sub movie is BORED TO
TEARS.

AUDIENCE
Where’s Jon Bon Jovi?

HARVEY KEITEL
Although we are deep in Nazi territory
in a rapidly failing submarine, if we
can just take out this one Nazi
destroyer then we will be perfectly
safe and the movie can end.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Wait... this is what Bill Paxton was
telling me about! Smallish young guy,
I order you to almost certain death!

The SMALLISH YOUNG GUY follows the order and DIES,
allowing the remaining NAVY GUYS to fire their ONE
TORPEDO that makes the Nazi boat EXPLODE like it was the
DEATH STAR in an utterly ludicrous fashion. I mean, no
sooner does the TORPEDO hit the FRONT of the destroyer
than its TOP and BACK ERUPT in FIREBALLS. Really, I
laughed out loud.

HARVEY KEITEL
You did it, Matthew McConaughey!
You’re a real sub captain now!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Yippee! Now that was pod racing!

A TITLE CARD explains that the film is dedicated to
numerous HEROIC SUB CREWS during WW2 that RISKED THEIR
LIVES to crack NAZI CODES. It fails to mention they were
all BRITISH.

END