The Editing Room: Talented Mr. Ripley

THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

EXT. EUROPE

MATT DAMON meets up with JUDE LAW.

JUDE LAW
Hello. I am kind of a snob and shit
like that. Fall in love with me and
then take over my life in a way
similar to that of Gattaca.

MATT DAMON
Good idea. I am menacing. Really. I
am quite a menacing screen presence.

JUDE LAW
Fuck me.

MATT DAMON
What?

JUDE LAW
Er, I mean, I wanna fuck Gwyneth
Paltrow.

GWYNETH PALTROW
I am a waif.

JUDE LAW doesn't fall in love with MATT, who needs
companionship. MATT kills JUDE and then takes over his
life.

MATT DAMON
(as JUDE LAW)
Now I am Jude Law. Please watch as I
juggle my two identities around.

He juggles.

FAT GUY FRIEND
I don't believe that you are who you
say.

MATT DAMON
That's alright, none of the people in
the audience are convinced that I am a
bi/homosexual with homicidal urges.

FAT GUY FRIEND
Maybe that's because you really suck
as an actor.

MATT freaks out and kills the FAT GUY.

INVESTIGATOR
What the hell is going on here?

The INVESTIGATOR uncovers CLUES which he proceeds to
IGNORE. For two more hours, the same basic CLUES are
unconvered and subsequently IGNORED.

CATE BLANCHETT
I might have a personality but the
writers aren't fleshing me out enough
to really tell. I hate money.

AMERICAN INVESTIGATOR
Eureka! Your clothes, Matt, they are
covered in Jude Law's blood! And you
have his severed head in your freezer!

GWYNETH PALTROW
He's the killer!

AMERICAN INVESTIGATOR
No, I think Jude cut off his head, put
it in the freezer, wore some of Matt's
clothes, and then killed his fat
friend.

JUDE LAW'S DAD
While I would seem like a prime
candidate for someone who would want
to uncover the truth about my son's
disappearence, I will overlook obvious
clues as well as blatant accusations
by someone who was very close to my
son. Have some money, Matt.

MATT DAMON
Thanks.

The movie, already way too long, continues. Eventually,
it ENDS.

END