The Editing Room: Starship Troopers

STARSHIP TROOPERS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Peter W. Horton III

FADE IN:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MICHAEL IRONSIDE teaches a class of FUTURISTIC STUDENTS
in their FUTURISTIC CLASSROOM with FUTURISTIC DESKS.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE
I am your hard-ass teacher. I lost my
arm in one of the many wars of our
fascist society, and because of that I
am now eligible to vote. Now, tell me
the difference between a Citizen and a
Civilian!

CASPER VAN DIEN
Sorry. I didn't read the classic
novel by Robert Heinlein that this
movie is based on.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE
You should die then, you bitch
motherfucker.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY

CASPER VAN DIEN, DINA MEYER, DENISE RICHARDS, and NEIL
PATRICK HARRIS are all outside doing futuristic high
school things.

DINA MEYER
Hi! I show my breasts twice in this
movie.

DENISE RICHARDS
Anyway, let's all join the military.

CASPER VAN DIEN
Okay.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Cool.

INT. RECRUITMENT PLACE - DAY

CASPER VAN DIEN, DENISE RICHARDS, and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
take an OATH and are sworn into MILITARY SERVICE.

RECRUITER SERGEANT
I have no legs and no right hand. So,
how did you kids do?

DENISE RICHARDS
I'm going to be a starship pilot!

CASPER VAN DIEN
I'm going into the infantry!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Hey, remember me? I was the star of
the hit show "Doogie Howser, M.D."!

RECRUITER SERGEANT
Holy shit--I knew you looked familiar.
Are you going to become a hardcore
futuristic soldier?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
No, I'm a fucking geek in this movie
too! And this was my last chance to
be cool! Instead I'm going to be a
super-intelligent mind control freak!

EXT. TRAINING CAMP - DAY

EVERYONE goes through the roughest, most bad-ass BOOT
CAMP anyone has ever seen in any SCIENCE FICTION WAR
MOVIE.

CASPER VAN DIEN
Sir, yes, sir! Move out in pairs of
quadruple squads, left flank to the
middle side rear, moonwalk on the
triple!

JAKE BUSEY
Har, Casper. I'm Gary Busey's son.
I'm going to be yer bestest bud from
now on.
Let's shoot pool and drink beer
together and take shits together, like
bestest buds in the military do.

DINA MEYER
Hi, I'm back--I joined the military
too! I promise I'll show my breasts
soon.

They go through more TRAINING. A CO-ED SHOWER SCENE
occurs, in which most of the FEMALE CHARACTERS,
especially DINA MEYER, show their BREASTS. Meanwhile, a
race of ALIEN BUGS destroys an EARTH CITY with a METEOR,
since Earth with its futuristic, fascist, war-like
society has NO DEFENSE against slow-moving, long range
METEORS.

CASPER VAN DIEN
That meteor killed my whole fucking
family. The Bugs are bad, real bad.

EXT. BUG HOMEWORLD - NIGHT

A HUGE INVASION of the BUG HOMEWORLD occurs in response
to the METEOR ATTACK. MANY SOLDIERS are ripped to pieces
by SPECIAL EFFECTS and COMPUTER GENERATED BUGS.

GEORGE LUCAS
ILM actually didn't do the graphics
for this movie? No wonder the Bugs
look real!

The SOLDIERS get beat up bad by the Bugs. CASPER VAN DIEN
is WOUNDED and left behind, surrounded by many BUGS.

CASPER VAN DIEN
I'm not worried. I'm the main
character.

Meanwhile, DENISE RICHARDS is flying around in a STARSHIP
above the planet. Her ship becomes DAMAGED.

INT. FUTURISTIC HOSPITAL

CASPER VAN DIEN has been miraculously RESCUED and put
into a giant FISH TANK to heal. JAKE BUSEY and DINA
MEYER come to see him.

DINA MEYER
You're going to live to see my breasts
again.

JAKE BUSEY
I'm yer buddy. When you get out,
let's find our old Drill Sergeant and
shove a pool stick up his ass, smear
shit on him, and flush him down a
toilet. Har. That's some funny shit.

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

JAKE BUSEY, DINA MEYER and CASPER are transferred to a
NEW UNIT. The UNIT not only includes the only BLACK
CHARACTERS in the movie, but is also led by MICHAEL
IRONSIDE.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE
I bet you didn't expect that shit,
because I had no left arm in the other
scene. But I have a mechanical arm
now, see? And if you don't fight I'll
kill you myself, you bitch
motherfuckers.

EXT. DESERT PLANET - DAY

MICHAEL IRONSIDE, CASPER, and DINA MEYER and JAKE BUSEY
kill Bugs together, alongside the other faceless
TROOPERS. They kill bugs dead, like RAID. A whole bunch
of people DIE, because that's what happens to people in a
WAR MOVIE.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE
One of my important people was just
killed, Casper. Even though I have
other soldiers in this unit who are
probably more experienced than you,
I'm going to promote you.

CASPER VAN DIEN
Okay.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE throws a VICTORY PARTY for his TROOPERS.
CASPER VAN DIEN and DINA MEYER have a SEX SCENE during
the party, and she shows her BREASTS.
Suddenly, DINA MEYER is stabbed through her BREASTS by a
BUG and DIES. MICHAEL IRONSIDE has his balls ripped off
by BUGS and CASPER VAN DIEN shoots him out of PITY.
CASPER and the rest of the SOLDIERS are eventually
rescued by DENISE RICHARDS who happened to be flying
above the planet in her STARSHIP.

DENISE RICHARDS
I'm a pilot!

INT. STARBASE - NIGHT

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I'm a high-ranking officer now. I
need you to go back down to that
planet where all that gruesome shit
happened and capture a Brain Bug.

CASPER VAN DIEN
Sir, yes, sir!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
By the way, I'm hardcore now. War
does that to people. They put make-up
under my eyes to make me look tough,
and gave me this Nazi uniform. See
how tough I look?

CASPER VAN DIEN
Sir, yes, sir!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Also, you're promoted again. I have
to go write all this down in my
computerized diary now.

EXT. DESERT PLANET - DAY

CASPER and his TROOPERS try to capture a BRAIN BUG.
Meanwhile DENISE RICHARDS is flying above the planet in
her STARSHIP. Her ship gets DESTROYED, she crash lands
inside a huge CAVE, and is captured by the BRAIN BUG,
which is IRONIC.

BRAIN BUG
I'm going to suck out your brains,
because, shit, I'm a Brain Bug, and it
makes sense for me to do that.

Suddenly, CASPER VAN DIEN and JAKE BUSEY appear inside
the CAVE. They save DENISE RICHARDS and capture the BRAIN
BUG. They piss on it and then JAKE BUSEY shoves a pool
stick up the BRAIN BUG's ASS. They tie a ROPE around it
and FLUSH it down a TOILET, then pull it back out. Then
they bring it to NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, who is waiting
outside with thousands of TROOPERS. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
uses his skills as a genius TV doctor to examine the
BRAIN BUG.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
It's scared shitless. Now we know how
to defeat the Bugs.

CASPER VAN DIEN
So I guess in the next few scenes will
show us going around killing off all
the remaining Bugs, pissing on them
and shoving pool sticks up their
asses?

DIRECTOR PAUL VERHOEVEN
Fuck no, we're almost out of film, you
bitch motherfucker. So the movie is
going to end abruptly, without any
real resolution. We'll just throw up
a text screen with some bullshit on it
about eventually winning the war...
because, shit, I directed ROBOCOP.

CASPER VAN DIEN
Sir, yes, sir!

JAKE BUSEY
Har, that's some funny shit.

END