The Editing Room: Payback

PAYBACK: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Jenelle Lynn Riley

FADE IN:

INT. OPENING SCENE

MEL GIBSON lays on a table, blood oozing from every
orifice on his body. A grungy backroom doctor fishes
bullets out of his back with tweezers and moustache
scissors.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Yeah, cool! Blood!

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
This is really gross and pointless
but, hey, at least he's got his shirt
off...

MEL GIBSON VOICE-OVER
(full Dirty Harry Style)
Permit me to recap everything you
already know from the preview. In
fact, this is the exact same narration
used in the preview so rather than
bore you, let's just blow some stuff
up. Oh, what the hell, I'm going to
bore you for the next 2 hours anyway,
I'll give you the setup. I'll be sure
to speak in a very low and gravelly
voice so even the most thickheaded
people in the audience will get the
idea I'm one pissed-off dude. This is
important because in the actual movie
my dialogue will consist of grunts
and monosyllabic sentences.

EXT. CITY STREETS - CREDIT SEQUENCE

MEL walks down the streets and steals wallets, pushes
people around and looks angry. This is okay and nobody
thinks twice because he's MEL GIBSON.
He shows up at junkie DEBORAH UNGER's apartment and slams
a door into her. Even though he will later decry
violence against women this is okay because he's MEL
GIBSON.

DEBORAH UNGER
Mel, you're alive.

MEL GIBSON
Ungh.

DEBORAH UNGER
I guess you're pissed that Gregg Henry
and I double-crossed you and took your
share of the money from that heist.

MEL GIBSON
Bah.

DEBORAH UNGER
Plus, I shot you a couple times in the
back and made off with your friend.
But only because I found out you were
screwing Maria Bello behind my back,
so I'm not completely unsympathetic.

MEL GIBSON
Gah.

DEBORAH UNGER
Well, you go take a shower while I go
o.d..

MEL GIBSON beats up DEBORAH UNGER's dealer, who sends him
to DAVID PAYMER's hideout. MEL GIBSON beats up DAVID
PAYMER's bodyguard, then shoves DAVID PAYMER around.
This is really kind of pathetic to watch because DAVID
PAYMER is hardly a threatening looking fellow and MEL
comes off like a big bully but then again, he's MEL
GIBSON.

MEL GIBSON
Tell Gregg Henry I'm looking for him
and I want my money.

Since MEL has beaten up so many people at this point and
it's become tiresome, we instead feature LUCY LUI beating
up GREGG HENRY.

LUCY LIU
I'm beating you up but it's funny
because I'm a dominatrix and you pay
me to hit you. I will also wear
remarkably sexy outfits and smack you
around with a riding crop.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
YEAH! THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!

FEMALE MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE
Like, oh my God, look at how tacky
those black vinyl outfits are.

GREGG HENRY
Man, I am such a bargain-basement
stereotypical villain that you will
forget my face the second you leave
this theater. In fact, you'll think I
was Will Patton. But this role is so
bad even Will Patton turned it down.
So did Dennis Hopper and Gary Busey.

MEL bursts into the room.

MEL GIBSON
Gregg, I should probably kill you now
for leaving me for dead and taking my
money but then the movie would be
over. So why don't we meet tomorrow
and you can give me the money then.
I'm going to go beat some bartender up
now so he can tell me where my ex-
girlfriend, Maria Bello, lives.

CUT TO:

INT. MARIA BELLO'S APARTMENT

MARIA BELLO
Mel, you're alive!

AUDIENCE
Wait, didn't she already die?

MARIA BELLO
No, no, that was the other skinny,
slutty-looking blonde. I'm a new
character. I got tired of playing a
complex, morally conflicted doctor on

the hit show ER so I decided to leave
so I could make cookie cutter movies
where I play the token girlfriend and
the hooker with a heart of gold.

MEL GIBSON
Well, I cheated with you on my wife
and left you high and dry but you'll
take me back and risk your life for me
because I have pretty blue eyes.

GREGG HENRY bursts in, beats and tries to rape MARIA
BELLO. This is supposed to make us hate him even more,
even though he doesn't hit her much harder than MEL hit
his wife with the door in the beginning of the movie.
But that was okay because he's MEL GIBSON. He shoots
GREGG HENRY.

GREGG HENRY
(dying)
Thank you! This movie sucks; I'm
going back to do quality work as the
token villain in Brian DePalma movies.
It's a lot more rewarding.

MARIA BELLO
Mel, you shot the bad guy. Now what
do we do?

MEL GIBSON
Don't worry. I still don't have the
money owed to me, he used it to buy
into a faceless crime force known only
as the Outfit. I will systematically
kill the three top members of the
Outfit…and they will each be a bigger
star than GREGG HENRY. In fact, the
higher up I go, the bigger a star the
person will be and the more
uninteresting their character will
become.

MEL starts by blowing up JOHN GLOVER who has virtually no
lines but is good at standing around looking menacing.
Nobody on the busy street seems to look twice as MEL
GIBSON explodes JOHN GLOVER's car in broad daylight.

JOHN GLOVER
Riggs, how could you? After all these
years as partners?

MEL GIBSON
Shut up, this movie is nothing like
the LETHAL WEAPON series...for one,
it's shot through an annoying blue
filter to give it a noir look.
Besides, you're John Glover, not Danny
Glover.

MEL then kills WILLIAM DEVANE and threatens JAMES COBURN
until he gets to KRIS KRISTOFFERSON. Along the way he
finds time to use DAVID PAYMER as a shield to protect him
from bullets that LUCY LIU's gang fires at him. DAVID
PAYMER's sad little comedic sidekick body is riddled with
100 bullets to save MEL but nobody bats an eyelash
because he's MEL GIBSON.

AUDIENCE
WOOHOO! Screw your character-actor
ass, Paymer! Mel Gibson is worth a
hundred of you!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON takes MEL to a creepy
garage/hangar/torture chamber that looks very similar to
the ones in CONSPIRACY THEORY and the LETHAL WEAPON
films.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
I'm going to tie you to a chair now
and systematically torture you, as all
villians in your movies do.

MEL GIBSON
Finally, a torture scene! My
specialty! What took you so damn
long?

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Even though I agreed to give you
money, you kidnapped my son. That
wasn't very nice. Tell me where he
is.

MEL GIBSON
Well, I'm going to tell you anyway but
why don't you smash a couple of my
toes first just to be really gross?

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
You got it.

He smashes a couple toes.

MEL GIBSON
FREEEEEDOM!!!!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!!

This is growing very gratuitous and going places most
mainstream Hollywood films would never go but nobody
seems to complain because he's MEL GIBSON.

MEL GIBSON
Okay, I'll tell you. I want all the
remaining bad guys to go into this one
room together.

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRIAN
HELGELAND
This is not my ending! This is not my
movie! I'm taking my toys and going
home!

MEL GIBSON blows up the room, meets up with MARIA BELLO
and makes off with his money.

AUDIENCE
(sudden realization)
Oh my God, this movie really sucks.

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRIAN
HELGELAND
It's not my fault! Mel took over and
changed the ending and I'm disowning
the film! They ruined my movie! I
wrote LA CONFIDENTIAL, dammit!

AUDIENCE
Yeah, but didn't you also write
CONSPIRACY THEORY? Besides, the whole
movie sucked, not just the end. How
can you say this is not your fault?

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRIAN
HELGELAND
Fine. Screw you. I'm taking my Oscar
and going home.

MEL GIBSON
I'm taking my Oscars and going to the
bank. See you suckers!

AUDIENCE
But...this sucked! You conned us into
2 really crappy movies in a one year
period that basically endorsed
violence and retribution! How could
you do that?

MEL GIBSON
I know you'll forgive me. Because I'm
MEL GIBSON.

END