The Editing Room: Mystery Men

MYSTERY MEN: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

INT. OLD FOLKS HOME

BEN STILLER, HANK AZARIA, and WILLIAM H. MACY busy
themselves by being beaten up. Suddenly, CAPTAIN KINNEAR
shows up!

CAPTAIN KINNEAR
Ha ha! You will notice I have many
powers, including having an acting
career after Talk Soup!

CAPTAIN KINNEAR saves the day while showing off all of
his endorsement stickers.

AUDIENCE
Ha ha ha! Look at those stickers! It
is funny how commercialized he is!
I'm sure that's not the director's oh-
so-subtle way of actually advertising
those companies!

DIRECTOR KINKA USHER
Do you see how cleverly my movie makes
fun of summer blockbuster mega-budget
superhero movies by being one itself?
I am quite clever, you see. Speaking
of cleverness.....

PAUL REUBENS enters and promptly FARTS in a high-brow,
clever way.

AUDIENCE
(wetting themselves)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

The film then makes a semi-subtle jab at superhero films.

AUDIENCE
(dead silent)
...

PAUL farts again to appease them.

HOWARD STERN
(as Fart Man)
Hey! Bastard.

INT. GEOFFREY RUSH'S CASTLE

GEOFFREY plots how to kill the heros. He realizes that
his clever sendup of typical movie supervillians isn't
bringing enough laughs, so he calls upon the help of his
LAME STEREOTYPE GANGS, including the beer-loving fratboys
and the afro-wearing disco freaks.

Our super-team bumbles around, mastering their powers and
discovering themselves. BEN STILLER also learns how to
flirt correctly with CLAIRE FORLANI.

Then, CAPTAIN KINNEAR dies.

KEL MITCHELL actually turns invisible! WILLIAM H. MACY
shovels the hell out of a disco punk! HANK AZARIA gains
his mommy's approval to fight crime! WES STUDI learns to
speak semi-coherently! JENEANE GARAFALO makes a 7-10
split! PAUL farts! Again!

GEOFFREY RUSH
(incomprehensible accent)
Oh no, I am beaten! By a bunch of two-
bit wannabes! Yet I still took out
Kinnear! He must really suck. It's a
good thing he died.

While GEOFFREY tries to get over the fact that they
ACTUALLY FUCKING KILLED Kinnear, the super-team of
misfits shoves him into a de-atomizer thing or something
which kills him.

The MYSTERY MEN and WOMAN and BOY are now the new
superheros!

INT. JOEL SCHUMACHER'S HOME

DIRECTOR KINKA USHER kicks JOEL SCHUMACHER in the balls a
few more times.

END