The Editing Room: Gladiator

GLADIATOR: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

RUSSELL CROWE'S ARMY is prepared to fight.

RUSSELL CROWE
I am their general. I am totally
fucking awesome. Attack!

The camera explodes, gyrating wildly about.

RUSSELL CROWE (cont’d)
SOMEONE FIND GENERAL RYAN! WE MUST
SAVE GENERAL RYAN!

Blood is thrown all over the place. Many people are
dead and some are alive.

RUSSELL CROWE
We won.

RICHARD HARRIS
I'm old. Be the new emperor.

They talk for 63 minutes straight.

RUSSELL CROWE
Well, I don't know...

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(kills dad)
That's all right, I'll do it.
(kills Russell's family)
(tries to kill Russell)
Damn, missed that last one. I'll go
stare at the odd cleft in my lip for a
while now.

RUSSELL CROWE
I will get revenge for the murder of
my wife and kid.

EXT. SLAVE'S R US

OLIVER REED
I'll buy these random slaves and
Russell Crowe, who is enraged and
vengeful.

RUSSELL CROWE
Fuck you.

WATTO
That one is very expensive.

OLIVER REED
Alright. Here are some republic
credits.

WATTO
Hey, wait..

OLIVER makes off with RUSSELL, DJIMON HOUNSOU and the
doomed slaves.

INT. COLOSSEUM

A shitload of bad guys enter. RUSSELL shows the other
gladiators how to work together in order to protect
RUSSELL. Eventually, RUSSELL kills everyone.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT
Look! It's a mindlessly bloody action
movie!

RUSSELL CROWE has a discussion with DJIMON, who listens
intently as RUSSELL whines. This lasts about 19 minutes.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT
(cont’d)
Now it's a deep yet oddly shallow and
unoriginal drama!

OLIVER REED
If you gain the acceptance of the
audience by killing who they want you
to kill and doing it in creative,
bloody, and yellow-tinted ways, you
might be able to go free and seek your
vengeance.

RUSSELL CROWE
I will kill whoever I need to in order
to get what I want here.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Hey! That's all I really did...

RUSSELL CROWE
Uh oh. We can't have that.

RUSSELL shows mercy to one of the people he was ready to
kill just to show he's not as bad as JOAQUIN. The
audience loves him for his mercy.

MOVIE AUDIENCE
WHAT THE FUCK! KILL HIM! BLOOD, GOD
DAMMIT!

The camera zooms around insanely so the AUDIENCE doesn't
know if anyone else was killed or not.

UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER
WITHOUT PENIS
I am Joaquin's sister. I will help
you, Russell.

RUSSELL CROWE
Thanks.

They kiss.

RUSSELL CROWE (cont’d)
Thanks for the kiss, your tounge
tastes good. Now if you'll excuse me,
I must go back to my endless quest to
seek revenge for my wife, whom I love.

DJIMON HOUNSOU
Hello Russell. Would you like me to
follow you around while you mope?

RUSSELL CROWE
I miss my wife. And my kid. I also
didn't win best actor for The Insider.

They talk for 27 minutes straight.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
That's it. They hate me and love you,
Russell. I challenge you. Now you
have your chance to exact vengeance.
I'm sure your almost supernaturally
strong drive to seek revenge won't
overpower my spoiled little dick self.

RUSSELL kicks the holy hell out of JOAQUIN. JOAQUIN dies.
RUSSELL dies.

INT. A CASTLE - AFTERLIFE

RUSSELL'S KID
Daddy!

RUSSELL CROWE
Son!
(to wife)
Hey honey.

RUSSELL'S WIFE
Don't hey honey me. I saw you kiss
that woman. You're sleeping on the
overexposed couch tonight.

END