The Editing Room: Election

ELECTION: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Max Adams

FADE IN:

INT. - STEREOTYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
That's my school!

REESE WITHERSPOON, a high school junior, approaches her
teacher, MATTHEW BRODERICK.

REESE
Matthew, I've never gone to high
school because I was gorgeous and
became an actress. I don't think I can
play a high school student.

MATTHEW
Nonesense, Reese! I never went to high
school, either, but John Hughes taught
me how to be a high school student. In
fact, I've been playing Ferris Bueller
ever sense!

REESE
Wow, how do you do it?

MATTHEW
Just be sly and stupid at the same
time.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
I wish my teacher was that cool.

REESE
But, Ferris Bueller was a bad kid, I'm
playing an over-achiever.

MATTHEW
Oh, then be sly and smart.

REESE
Ok! And I'm going to run for student
body president!

MATTHEW
Good, that will almost count as a
plot.

INT. - HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Look, its one of those rallies where
the candidates give their speeches and
everyone is bored..

MATTHEW
Hi everyone. I was Ferris Bueller, but
now I am a high school teacher. Isn't
that ironic? Ok, on with the plot.
Here are the candidates.

REESE
Hello everyone. In real life I am
married and pregnant, but please
believe that I am a high school
student. Look, I made a nice sign even
though no one is running against me.
Oh, and finally, I am sly and smart,
so that makes me a high school
student.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
I hate the dorks who do their homework
and run for student body president.

CHRIS KLIEN
Wait! I used to be the football star,
but then I broke my leg, so now I want
to be president, too. I either can't
act, am acting like an idiot, or I am
an idiot in real life, so vote for me.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
He is so cool, but I hate him, too. He
is popular.

JESSICA CAMPBELL
I am the football star's dorky sister.
Oh, and I'm an up-and-coming lesbian.
The girl I love is now my brother's
girlfriend. She did it just to get
back at me, so now I am getting
back at her by running for president.
I know it doesn't make sense. Oh, and
I hate myself, I hate everyone, I hate
school.

INT. - MATTHEW'S OFFICE - DAY

MARK HARELIK
Her pussy gets so wet, man.

MATTHEW
You mean Reese isn't the good girl she
appears to be?

MARK
No way, that would make her such a
flat character. And she is very round,
believe me.

MATTHEW
This is such a dark comedy. That makes
me deep.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
That guy said "pussy." This is such a
dark comedy. That makes me an adult.

MARK
Her pussy gets so wet, man.

MATTHEW
You are such a pervert. You were her
teacher and you had sex with her? You
have a wife and a kid! You could get
fired.

INT. - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

The stereotypical, hard-nosed PRINCIPAL sits at his desk.
MARK is crying, which is both funny and sad at the same
time, which makes this a dark comedy.

MATTHEW
And that makes me deep. Oh, wait, I'm
not even in the scene.

PRINCIPAL
You are such a pervert, Mark. You were
her teacher and you had sex with her?
You have a wife and a kid! You are
fired.

INT. - MARK's wife's house - DAY

MARK'S WIFE
This movie isn't going anywhere. I
know you are married, but have sex
with me anyway.

MATTHEW
Ok, it will make it a darker comedy,
which will only make me deeper. But
don't forget that I was Ferris
Bueller.

MARK'S WIFE
Let's have sex again this afternoon,
but this time at a hotel.

INT. - HOTEL ROOM - DAY

MATTHEW
She hasn't shown up. I guess I'll go
to her house, get stung by a bee and
have my eye swell up. That will be
symbolic of my downfall. Then I'll go
home, dejected to find...

INT. - MATTHEW'S HOME - DAY

MARK'S WIFE is there with MATTHEW'S WIFE.

MATTHEW'S WIFE
Mark's wife told me everything, you
horrible person! We're getting a
divorce.

MATTHEW
Oh shit. I went and did something as
bad as Mark did!

INT. - STEREOTYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

MATTHEW
Oh no! Reese just won the election by
one vote. I hate her, though no one
understands why. I will make Chris win
instead!

REESE
Oh no! I lost!

HONEST KID
Matthew, you cheated. It is a mean
thing to do. You should be fired.

INT. - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

PRINCIPAL
Matthew, you cheated. It is a mean
thing to do. You are fired.

INT. - NEW YORK CITY MUSEUM - DAY

MATTHEW
I ruined my life, my perfect life.
But now I have a job at a museum in
New York City, giving tours. I can
still teach! So, I can pretend to be
happy now, so everyone will leave
the theater happy. I know, I'll even
get back at Reese, even though she
never did anything.

Reese drives away in a limo. Matthew throws a slushy at
the rear window. The AUDIENCE cheers, even though there
is no reason for Matthew to hate Reese.

MATTHEW
So, remember I am happy. Please go see
"Inspector Gadget" even though I never
should have made the film. If you do,
I promise to make another dark comedy,
because I am deep.

END