The Editing Room: Cruel Intentions

CRUEL INTENTIONS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Brendan Moo

FADE IN:

Cool, hip, alternative soundtrack blares in background.

EXT. HIGHWAY

RYAN PHILLIPE is driving an expensive car. He is rich.
He is cool. He is hot. He likes to fuck.

INT. SARAH'S and RYAN's EXPENSIVE APARTMENT.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
I, too, am rich, hot and like to fuck.
I am pretending to help Selma Blair
fit into our upper-class school when
in fact I am being a manipulative
bitch.
(to Selma)
Come here. I'll teach you how to
kiss.....

They kiss.

TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Bitchin'. This movie has hot lesbian
action.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
(CONT'D)
....and fuck.

SELMA BLAIR
Um, like....what's a fuck?

RYAN PHILLIPE
I'll show you.

They fuck.

SELMA BLAIR
Oh. Now I too like to fuck.

INT. RYAN's ROOM.

RYAN PHILLIPE
I'm sick of fucking debutante sluts.
I want to fuck you, Buffy. I mean
sis.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
(licking her lips seductively
You can't have me, but I'll make a
deal.
(lick, lick)
If you can seduce Reese Witherspoon,
the virginal headmasters daughter..
(lick)
then I'll fuck you.

RYAN PHILLIPE
(Now looking at Sarah's
cleavage, completely ga-ga)
Duh......?

SARAH is now touching her breasts and RYAN's penis
through his pants. This is obviously VERY seductive.

RYAN PHILLIPE AND ALL
TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE
(thinking)
Goddam Buffy, I mean Sarah, is hot
`cos she can, like, touch a penis
and herself at the same time. I
TOTALLY want to fuck her.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
(CONT'D)
...but if you fail, you will give me
your car.

RYAN PHILLIPE
(snapping our of Sarah's
spell)
Yes. I'll be parking it in your
garage.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Wow. This script is deep.

EXT. A MANSION IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

REESE WITHERSPOON is wearing white. Therefore, she must
be a virgin. She too, is rich, hot and likes to fuck.
Although she doesn't know it yet.

RYAN PHILLIPE
Hi. You're gorgeous. Let's fuck.

TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Wow. What a line.

REESE WITHERSPOON
No. Not yet....I have a boyfriend and
besides, I have taken a vow of
celibacy. I refuse to fuck unless I'm
in love.

RYAN PHILLIPE
I love you, baby.

REESE WITHERSPOON
OK....let's fu...WAIT! We're only an
hour into the movie! We have to
stretch it out another hour!

RYAN PHILLIPE
Fuck.

INT. JOSHUA'S ROOM.

JOSHUA JACKSON is also rich, hot and likes to fuck -
boys.

RYAN PHILLIPE
Hey Pacy, I mean Joshua. That new
girl is playing hard to get. In order
to justify your part in this movie, I
need you to fuck one of Reese's
friends so I can blackmail him into
lying about me so I can fuck her so I
can win a bet and fuck my sister who
is trying to manipulate Selma into
fucking everyone for revenge. It's a
crafty, manipulative plan only the
audience fully grasps at this moment.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Say what?.

JOSHUA JACKSON
Huh? Do I say my “blow-job” line yet?

RYAN PHILLIPE
By the way Joshua, won't playing a
promiscuous, gay, drug dealing school
boy affect your image on Dawson's
Creek?

JOSHUA JACKSON
Hell no. I've dyed my hair so no-one
will recognize me. Besides, we fuck
plenty on Dawson's Creek anyway.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Holy shit!...Is that...It can't
be...Shit, its like...that guy from
Dawson's Creek!!

EXT. VARIOUS

RYAN and REESE smile sweetly at each other. They are
FALLING IN LOVE. They don't want to fuck because they
LOVE an RESPECT each other.

INT. INDOOR POOL IN UPSTATE MANSION

RYAN PHILLIPE
Look at my butt. Isn't it perky?

REESE WITHERSPOON
Dammit, why didn't you show me that
before?

They fuck.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
It's about fucking time.

INT. SARAH'S ROOM

RYAN PHILLIPE
I have now fucked Reese but I don't
want to fuck you anymore.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
But I want to fuck now!

Sarah cleverly manipulates everyone into fucking each
other.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Goddam this is a fucking good movie.
All they do is fuck. Perhaps, we, too
should be fucking.

The entire audience fucks each other.

INT. REESE'S ROOM

REESE WITHERSPOON
Let's fuck.

RYAN PHILLIPE
No. I don't *sob* love you *sob*
anymore cos my life is totally fucked
up.

REESE WITHERSPOON
Fine. I'll fuck someone else.

Selma's black music teacher appears and they fuck.

EXT. STREET

Ryan is hit by a car

REESE WITHERSPOON
Ryan!! My Love!! Don't die, I want to
fuck!

RYAN PHILLIPE
My....beautiful...face.....

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM

Sarah is sniffing cocaine

REESE WITHERSPOON
I'm gonna get revenge you manipulative
bitch. Life can be a BITTERSWEET
IRONY, baby.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
Fuck you.

EXT. SCHOOLYARD

All students are handed a manual about how to manipulate
people into fucking you and anyone you want them to
called “Cruel Intentions”

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Wow. What a clever use of props.

Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve starts playing in the
background.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE
Wow. What a clever use of music.

Everyone fucks each other.

END