The Editing Room: Clerks

CLERKS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Peter Rauch

FADE IN:

INT. SOME PRETENTIOUS INDIE-FILM GEEK'S REC ROOM

FRIEND OF PRETENTIOUS INDIE-
FILM GEEK
So what's this movie about again?

PRETENTIOUS INDIE-FILM GEEK
Some guy in a convenience store. Who
gives a shit? They made it for
$28,000, it MUST be good!

They pop it in.

INT. THE HOME OF SOME CHARACTER WHO IS *NOT* OBVIOUSLY
BASED ON THE WRITER/DIRECTOR

BRIAN O'HALLORAN answers the phone.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH
Brian, can you play the lead here?

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
I can't, I'm playing hockey at 2. Why
can't you ask Ben?

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH
I don't meet him until we're filming
Mallrats, remember?

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

A SONG by Love Among Freaks plays. Despite the fact that
it is called 'Clerks,' and is played over the opening
credits of the movie 'Clerks,' it is NOT the theme from
'Clerks.'

SOUNDTRACK
Ha ha! I added $200,000 to this
movie's budget!

The PRETENTIOUS INDIE-FILM GEEKS turn it off and go watch
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT for the twenty-third time.

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

BRIAN is having a bad day.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

This is exacerbated by the fact that he isn't even
supposed to be here today.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN (cont'd)
I'm not even supposed to be here
today!

Repeat this scene thirty-seven times.

INT. RST VIDEO

JEFF ANDERSON fucks with customers. Repeat this scene
after every mention of Brian's not supposed to have been
there today.

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

RICK DERRIS, who will be mentioned three times per minute
in the later movies, enters along with the actress
WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH is currently FUCKING.

RICK DERRIS
Remember that chick you used to go out
with? I used to fuck her.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

EXT. OUTSIDE, LIKE MOST SHOTS BEGINNING WITH EXT.

JAY
We're gonna get laid tonight, Silent
Bob! Gonna make some money, gonna get
some pussy...I'll fuck this bitch,
fuck that bitch, fuck anything that
moves!

SILENT BOB
Shut up.

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

JEFF walks in and has a conversation with BRIAN about the
CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY and STAR WARS. This is the single
greatest moment in film history.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

JEFF leaves. MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI walks in.

PEOPLE READING THIS ABRIDGED
SCRIPT
Who the fuck are these people!?

MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI
Hi, Brian. I heard you had to work
today so I brought you some food, put
your scholastic record out on the net
and found a half-dozen employers
who'll give you a better job, found
some colleges who'll take you on a
full scholarship, got you a better
deal on your car insurance, and
generally made your life much less
miserable than before I walked in
here.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
That's nice. I wonder what my old
girlfriend is doing...

MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI
She's getting married.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

The obligatory old girlfriend, played by LISA SPOONAUER,
enters.

LISA SPOONAUER
Hi.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

LISA SPOONAUER
I'm not getting married. Let's go out.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

LISA SPOONAUER
What?

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Never mind. Force of habit. I gotta go
home and change.

EVERYONE leaves. Later, LISA goes into the back and fucks
a DEAD GUY who, by bizarre coincidence, is in the
bathroom with no lights on and a post-mortem erection.
EVERYONE comes back, and she's escorted to the local
mental hospital where she'll remain at least until the
'Clerks: Holiday Special' comic some years later.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN (cont'd)
Hmm. I just realized that my obsession
with Lisa is merely symbolic of a
basic inability to get myself out of a
bad situation and move on with my
life. I love Marilyn. Thank god I
realized this before anything happened
to irrevocably alter my relationship
with her!

INT. RST VIDEO

JEFF ANDERSON
Brian doesn't love you. He loves Lisa.

MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI
Fuck!

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

MARILYN beats the SHIT out of BRIAN, and leaves. JEFF
enters. BRIAN and JEFF proceed to kick each others' ASSES
and generally destroy the STORE.

After a few minutes of this, JEFF gives a speech far more
intelligent and profound than anything else his character
has said or done in the movie. This makes sense, since he
is clearly NOT acting as a counterpoint to BRIAN's
experience, and since BRIAN is clearly NOT based on the
writer/director. The actual theme from 'Clerks,' by the
better-known Soul Asylum, is played.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN
Fuck!

END