The Greatest Kick-Ass Deities Ranked!!
Submitted by Pazuzu on Sat, 04/16/2005 - 07:56
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- #1 Moloch – Phoenicia – Name translates to ‘king’; often bullheaded (literally); would demand endless babies be “passed through the fire” (read: burnt alive) for a little casual worship; ingenious statue device allowed children to be placed into the idol’s hands and literally popped into the mouth to fall into the burning tummy of the great one; once during siege, ‘devoured’ two hundred boys from the finest families in just such a fiery fashion; aggravated Jeremiah enough to pop up in his book of the same name (Jeremiah 32:35); now, must settle for lending his name to various pathetic computer hacker groups while plotting his return to the world religion big stage
- #2 Pazuzu – Sumeria & Akkad (modern day Iraq) – Demon of winds; man body, lion or dog head, bird wings and talons, scorpion tail, and yes, snake-head penis (!); long before being watered down in pathetic Western entertainment as a video game villain (Final Fantasy Mystic Quest), Dungeons and Dragons, and sad Black Metal bands (Celtic Frost, Cradle of Filth), was bad ass of the Middle Eastern world and the star of the blockbuster movie, The Exorcist
- #3 Baal – long-lasting, hopping about various cultures (Akkad, Phoenicia, etc.) of the Middle East; once head (sun) god of several pagan peoples, now relegated as chief demon in Hell of the Christian world; three heads – one human, one toad, and one cat; can make followers invisible and wise; loved burnt children for sacrifice and supper, often holding them in his lap as they burnt; often demanded his priests to slash themselves until his altar was stained red; Beelzebub (Lord of Flies – just how scary is that supposed to be?) is a spin-off demon; when he isn’t ruling in Hell, he is antagonizing video gamers at the end of Diablo 2
- #4 Ahriman – Zoroastrian (Persia) – ‘Satan’ to Zoroastrianism’s God-like Ahura-Mazda; chose to be evil and combat the good god; creator of demons; created 99,999 (EXACTLY) diseases, serpents, winter, and sin (all the good stuff in life); failed to assassinate Zarathustra (too bad); will eventually be defeated by a coming savior, but I predict a huge comeback in his future
- #5 Astarte AKA Ashtoreth AKA Ishtar – known from Egypt to Assyria to Judea to Sumeria, this moon goddess, often linked with Baal the sun god, got around; a love goddess just as at home with encouraging prostitutes as protecting chaste motherhood; women often gave her their virginity (as temple prostitutes in her temple); men often gave her their manhood by more painful procedures during festive frenzies, which made for a worse day after than a simple hangover ever would have; liked to appear as a bearded bisexual; a role model for the future Aphrodite and Venus, and not a small influence on Demeter as well
- #6 Set AKA Sit – Egypt – God of desiccation; appeared as a man with a jackal head, and occasionally donned the disguise of a hippopotamus, crocodile, or pig; briefly ruled Egypt after conquering Osiris; in his reign, he devastated the country’s crops by breathing over them with his furnace-blasting breath; encouraged cannibalism amongst the people; sadly, eventually lost the throne to Osiris’ ticked-off son, Horus; still, it was a great gig while it lasted
- #7 Iblis – Islam – Leader of evil genii; name probably derived from Greek ‘diabolos’; once great genie, but rebelled in refusing to bow to Adam; he fell and now lords it over the weaker evil ‘demons’ (genii); "Risalat al-Ghufran" (possible source for Dante’s Satan) portrays him as imprisoned in darkness like Lucifer; Allah allows him to tempt humanity, and he is the great guy who enticed Adam and Eve to fall from grace, thus ensuring sin and fun for all of humanity;
- #8 Ravana – India (Ramayana) – Demon (Rakshasa) with an insatiable lust for women-folk; sex with him is draining enough to age you twenty years; has ten heads, the smallest of which is deadliest (sound familiar, women?); ten heads often will counsel together; disciplined enough to learn ancient wisdom, which grants him incredible power; every thousand years, he cuts off a head in tribute to gods; before the tenth decapitation, the gods granted him a wish – immunity from death at the hands of the god; too bad he didn’t include humans in that statement, which ultimately was his undoing
- #9 Oni – Japan - Devil (now devils); looks traditionally devilish; lures women for sex and men for food; Tales used to scare children; Foreigners were often seen as oni; horns, fangs, forked tongues; Hermit-like habitation; almost too adorable to be truly evil
- Honourable Mention: Jehovah AKA Yahweh – Sure, he was once a big bad wolf; he led groups of people on chopping sprees throughout the Middle East, and was intolerant to the point of slaughter on many touchy matters of jealousy and possessiveness; he apparently really dug stoning, which is always a plus; was sly enough to convince millions that he actually created the world; then, however, he started slipping; he allowed the relatively wussy practice of circumcision to replace good, old-fashioned child sacrifice, and then went all pacifist and loving on us; still, the recent Palestinian situation could promise a return of the once and future consuming fire, the slaughtering, lovable god of old
Author Comments:
These are the greatest demons and deities ever! What are some of your favorites?
ha! awesome list, sadly I have no favorite "kick-ass deities" to list among your torrent of snide hilarity, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable.
:?)
Thanks! lol
It'd be hard to narrow down a 'favorite' diety of a monotheistic religion, seeing as its quite tacky (but humorous and serious none the less), and that I'm Catholic.
Maybe its just me but of the Pantheonic Dieties no doubt Odin is #1, he's just so awesome. But credit should be given to Thor, Amaterasu, Neptune, and who could forget Osiris.
When talking about mythological epic heroes, though, #1 would go to Fionn MacCool. Cuchulainn is also a great for Celtic Mythology. Probably the msot popular epic hero would go to Hercules or Theseus, but then again most of the heroes were immortalized via Greece.