Films NOT to see*: 2009
Submitted by P Pogo on Mon, 01/12/2009 - 11:21
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- All About Steve - Sandra Bullock proceeds to play quirk into stalkerish psychosis. Damn, it could be so-bad-it’s-good, but I don’t think I want to find out.
- An American Affair - Gretchen Mol is painfully underrated, but this looks godawful.
- Bride Wars
- Confessions of a Shopaholic - Isla Fisher is darned cute and, I think, talented for comedy. But they've already done Legally Blonde/Clueless.
- Dragonball Evolution - The very definition of a niche film that completely doesn't register on my radar.
- The Education of Charlie Banks - I've never given Fred Durst any money in the past; I ain't startin' now.
- Fast & Furious - Didja hear? They got Vin Diesel! Cause that's good!?
- Fired Up! - Three cheers for American Pie: Cheerleader Camp!
- Gamer - Casting Gerard Butler as a video-game character a.k.a. virtual puppet is inspired, but ultimately not terribly appealing.
- G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - The world was clamoring for another toy movie with explosions. See Transformers.
- Gigantic - I've never wanted to punch an indie movie in this face quite this much.
- Hannah Montana: The Movie - To tweens and their parents: I'm sure it's harmless fun. But look how Britney Spears turned out.
- The Haunting in Connecticut - Derivative PG-13 haunted house flick. I think I'd rather watch Poltergeist again.
- He's Just Not That Into You - The American Love, Actually. And I hated Love, Actually.
- Hotel for Dogs - although my kid loves dogs AND hotels.
- I Hate Valentine's Day - Perfect title for a July release.
- I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell - And for this, Tucker Max deserves Meister Chow.
- Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience - Wake me when I'm supposed to care.
- Knowing - Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
- Land of the Lost - Hey, let's just all agree to stop making ironic movie versions of TV shows.
- Love Happens - A movie featuring a sad Jennifer Aniston? Why don’t I save myself 90 minutes and briefly scan US Weekly?
- Miss March - It's American Pie Part XII by now. I predict a long pass to Lynn Swann will win it.
- My Life in Ruins - Oh, a Nia Vardalos joke that's too easy.
- New in Town - FARGO is fine; this is not.
- Obsessed - Like Glenn Close, Beyonce isn't going to be IGNORED! Well, actually....
- Paper Heart - Just goes to prove that indie film marketers aren't above marketing crap. See Gigantic.
- Paul Blart: Mall Cop
- The Pink Panther 2 - What happened, Steve? And why are you dragging Cleese down with you?
- Push - I'm really tempted to see this one, though, because it's set in Hong Kong.
- Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li - People still want Street Fighter? What year is this?
- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Seriously, a sequel?
- 12 Rounds - With the exception of Rourke and (sometimes) The Rock, wrestling and good acting rarely mix.
- The Ugly Truth - Gerard Butler looks good sans shirt, but I’m doubting he can pull off a convincing romantic lead.
- The Unborn
- Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - It's missing the one thing that made this series even remotely interesting to me.
- X-Games 3D: The Movie - Extreme!
- Year One - Wow. Just wow.
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* Unless, of course, they become Razzie winners, which then makes them vital viewing.
Also see Films to see: 2009.