Vebber and Gould's "Fifty Reasons Why Jedi Sucks"---A Rebuttal (Pt. 5)

In Ted Edwards' "The Unauthorized Star Wars Compendium" (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1999), Dan Vebber and Dana Gould present a nearly-blasphemous, irreverent, irrelevant list of fifty "reasons" why George Lucas' cinematic masterpiece Return of the Jedi, as they say, "sucked." They begin with a brief essay filled with angst and bitterness against ROTJ and conclude with the following: "There are plenty of fans who argue that by the mere fact of its being part of the trilogy, Jedi should be above criticism. We'd ask those people whose initial response to this list is one of anger to apply the fifty points below to their next Jedi viewing." I have done so, and, as a true SW fanatic, I am prepared to answer their every point and remind them that ROTJ is not above criticism because it is part of the original trilogy, or indeed because it is part of the saga -- it is above criticism because it is one of the best damn films ever made! It is also the reason SW woke up that little part of my imagination that it now indwells permanently.

(This essay covers pages 207-222 of the Compendium's index; quotation marks and boldface type are used intelligently to indicate quotations from Vebber & Gould.)

41. Paradoxical Lessons in the Force "Yoda says the only way Luke can become a Jedi is to face Vader. Minutes later, he says it's unfortunate that Luke rushes to face Vader. This is in addition to Yoda's assertion in Empire that if Luke faces Vader, he'll become an agent of evil."

You guys should watch the trilogy on closed captions sometimes. In Empire, what Yoda says is that Luke must complete his training before facing Vader. In Jedi, he says it's unfortunate that Luke rushED. RUSHED. Past tense! Are you aware of tenses? Past tense! Rushed, in the last movie, rushed to face him. Luke isn't rushing to face him in E6! He's stalling! Did you guys even watch the trilogy? Actually, the only real complaint here is that Yoda's not subtle in his whole setting Luke up for a suicide mission--he wasn't concerned about Luke facing Vader with insufficient training because all he was training him to do was useless crap. He just wanted Luke to face Vader on his (Yoda's) terms, because if Luke found out he was related to Vader, then he would be all nice and refuse to kill him like Obi-Wan did. Why Yoda doesn't do his own dirty work is beyond me, but this is clearly a reason why Yoda, and not ROTJ, sucks.

42. Vader's Not-So-Special Shuttle. "When we first saw Vader's shuttle with its clean lines and sleek, triwing design, it seemed a fitting vessel to transport a leader of his stature. But later we find out that apparently every Imperial shuttle . . . looks like like Vader's."

Okay, this is a really inane objection. Great. So the Empire doesn't blow its budget making Vader a special shuttle. It already went close to bankrupt making him that freakin' sweet Super Star Destroyer. For pete's sake . . . so he flies in a Lambda-class shuttle. So what? This is apparently what they used. I . . . can't even see the point of refuting this stupid point.

43. Sloppy Continuity Errors. "In quick cuts between two different views of a character, it's a good bet that his or her expression and/or stance will be jarring inconsistent."

Uh, I gotta say, I spend a phenominal amount of time studying characters I'm not actually meant to be watching, and I've never noticed this. Ergo, I'm not sure you can prove this is an issue.

44. That Scene With the Ewok on the Speeder Bike. "This scene doesn't really exemplify any of the larger points in this article, but we hate it so much we couldn't just ignore it."

I move that this objection be removed because it is absolutely identical to their other 3 Ewok objections. You guys are going to need to move on. There was nothing unrealistic about that! You were also supposed to notice from that that Ewoks aren't mentally retarded even though they look like teddy bears (according to some random blind person, I guess. I have no teddy bears that look like that, and I happen to collect them.) I can't help that you're disappointed that George didn't gratuitously splash Ewok brains all over the set. Neither can the movie. Why don't you bicker about something useful? Like the fact that there's no blood even when people are violently injured? That's a good thing to whine about!

45. Generally Dumb Dialogue.

While the title makes it sounds like a repeat of their other two (identical) dialogue complaints, they actually spend the whole paragraph whining about the fact that Vader says Luke's skills are complete because he built a lightsaber. They then theorized that Tim Allen would be a Jedi because it seems to take nothing more than "read[ing] a Time/Life book on electronics and solder[ing] together some transistors." I would move to have this objection removed because it just displays their personal ignorance and goes to show that they are not anywhere near being Star Warriors, nor do they deserve placement in any book claiming to have any expertise on the Saga!

Everyone knows that not just anybody can make a lightsaber, and it's flipping complicated, and you have to use the Force, and people get killed doing it when they do it wrong! And it is the final rite of passage before knighthood (apparently--even though in the prequels every flipping apprentice has one! Explain that one, why don't you?)

46. Admiral Ackbar. "Sure, Admiral Ackbar looks neat, but he's quite the wishy-washy leader, judging from how Lando continually questions, ignores, and overrides his orders. Dumbest of all . . . Admiral Ackbar's fishlike race is called the Mon Calamari. Ha, ha, ha!"

You guys . . . are weird. And disturbingly anti non-humans. Umm, the only instance I can think of is when Ackbar calls all craft to retreat--which is sensible, when your entire force is up against a thing that can blow up planets and is working when it isn't supposed to be--and Lando warns him "we won't get another chance at this." But . . . And on top of that, if not for Admiral Ackbar, who would tell us what are traps and what aren't?! You can't diss the Ack! Geeze! And what's the big deal with a species called Mon Calamari when you were referring to Momaw Nadon, the Ithorian, as a Hammerhead two pages ago!

47. Dumb Resolution of Problems. "The most pathetic example of facile problem solving is the 'secret back door' on the shield generator base, which means our team won't have to be bothered with devising an interesting way to break in."

Actually, I would have to say that the most pathetic example of a dumb resolution would be the magic thermal exhaust port in E4, that a correctly placed proton torpedo will cause the entire moon-sized space station to explode! But no one whines about that! I wonder why . . . cause that isn't the point?! And on top of that, um, they still had to break in to the back entrance! What is your preoccupation with being entertained? This film is not about you!

48. Artoo. "He's supposed to be the brave, assured one to Threepio's sissy-boy, but in a couple of scenes he whimsically shakes and shiveres with fear like Scooby-Doo. IS he into this whole Rebellion thing or not?"

Uh, okay. Wow. You've reseorted to whining about Artoo's one shiver-scene as a reason for ROTJ to suck. Do . . . do you even like Star Wars?

49. The Wizard of Oz Homage at Jabba's Front Door. "Anyone who's ever seen MGM's seminal musical fantasy experiences more than a little deja vu when Threepio knocks on Jabba's door and asks the whimsical attendant to admit him to the Emerald City--er--rusty palace. Had there been a precedent of scene-specific homage . . . we might have been more forgiving . . . but the scene as presented in Jedi sticks out and degrades the overall integrity of the mythos established . . . (Sure, Wars mimicked Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress almost scene for scene, but only socially maladapted film geeks noticed that.)"

You guys are more contradictory than you just accused Yoda of being. And then you admit to being socially maladapted film geeks--good, that's the first step to recovery, admitting you have a problem! I gotta tell you, I've seen Wizard of Oz maybe . . . ten times. I never, ever, ever thought of that when I saw ROTJ. Never. crossed. my. mind. No deja vu. Nothing. And in the second place, you say there's no precident for homage, and then say ANH mimicked a whole other movie? What? There's tons of precident; Lucas borrowed from everything! Have I already mentioned his mentor Joseph Campbell? Yeah? Um . . . yeah.

50. "The Sarlacc Pitt [sic]as Freud's Vagina Dentata. "Come on, like it never occurred to you."

It never had until I read this. And got the expanded visual dictionary with the whole cross-section. And I agree. I see the resembelence, and the additions made in the 1997 Rerelease don't cover up the fact that George clearly has issues with women. But . . . he has issues with women, and this is obvious, and it's not a reason for the movie to suck. It's a reason for Native American legends to suck, but not ROTJ. Geeze. Oh, and you guys are perverse.