Vebber and Gould's "Fifty Reasons Why Jedi Sucks"---A Rebuttal (Pt. 2)

In Ted Edwards' "The Unauthorized Star Wars Compendium" (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1999), Dan Vebber and Dana Gould present a nearly-blasphemous, irreverent, irrelevant list of fifty "reasons" why George Lucas' cinematic masterpiece Return of the Jedi, as they say, "sucked." They begin with a brief essay filled with angst and bitterness against ROTJ and conclude with the following: "There are plenty of fans who argue that by the mere fact of its being part of the trilogy, Jedi should be above criticism. We'd ask those people whose initial response to this list is one of anger to apply the fifty points below to their next Jedi viewing." I have done so, and, as a true SW fanatic, I am prepared to answer their every point and remind them that ROTJ is not above criticism because it is part of the original trilogy, or indeed because it is part of the saga -- it is above criticism because it is one of the best damn films ever made! It is also the reason SW woke up that little part of my imagination that it now indwells permanently.

(This essay covers pages 207-222 of the Compendium's index; quotation marks and boldface type are used intelligently to indicate quotations from Vebber & Gould.)

11. Music "The soundtrack to Wars is an unquestioned classic. . . . What does Jedi have to offer? . . . Peter and the Wolf . . . and Jabba’s foam-and-latex band."

I am going to skim this section, largely because I am not very familiar with the soundtrack to the theatrical version of ROTJ, and I don't own a copy of either version. Suffice it to say, I do agree that the original Ewok music at the end of the film was no good, and George clearly agreed because he had it replaced -- to me, this makes the point moot. (Although Vebber and Gould, writing in 1999, acknowledge the Special Edition, they wave it away; yet this represents George Lucas’ completed vision of the film. Writing in 2009, I insist one’s observations should be restricted to the 2004 DVD version. It’s no use harping on the 1983, which does not represent George's vision.)

Their complaint about the Special Edition "add[ing] . . . another song" in Jabba’s palace isn’t strictly accurate -- it replaces the old one. I was never among the ranks of people who despised the song, and initially I did prefer the old one; now I pretty well like the new one. Inferior to the Cantina Band though it may be, the MTV video isn’t hurting anyone or anything, and George wanted it there to satisfy his own whimsy, so lay off. And finally, yeah, the ESB end credits are my favorite; and I am a little annoyed that John Williams’ scores from Temple of Doom and ROTJ borrow from one another not a bit subtly, but, again, this is not a reason to declare suckage.

12. Threepio. "Threepio was bearable in Wars because he and Artoo played an integral role . . . In Jedi, Threepio’s along by choice, and everyone just loves chuckling at the way he screws everything up."

I wish Vebber and Gould had been more specific in what Threepio is "screwing up." In the first third of the movie, Threepio is integral; he and Artoo are how Luke’s lightsaber makes it inside the palace. Although that’s all they’re there for, it is indisputably important. And since no one would send a lone astromech in, naturally Threepio’s there. He does exactly as he is supposed to and the mission is completed successfully -- no screw-up in that. In the second portion, basically Threepio doesn’t make an appearance. In the final third, it is admittedly unclear why he is along, except that he is part of the ensemble, and the same could be said of Artoo. Is there a lot of call for an astromech flight assistance droid on a forest moon? If you consider it, the translator coming along makes more sense, in case they ran in to any locals who didn't speak Basic. And fine, so they bring their droids along wherever they go; some people take their laptops to places that aren't necessarily appropriate, like me, for example. And even once they’re there on Endor, you can’t prove that Threepio does anything to screw up. To screw something up categorically means to ruin it, or to cause something to go badly; it's Chewbacca who gets them captured, which ends up helping in the long run anyway. And if it is against Threepio's programming to pretend to be a god to get the Ewoks to release the humans, well, it’s against his programming! How much do you expect from a simple protocol droid (programmed by a nine-year-old)?

13. Obi-Wan’s Appearance to Luke "Obi-Wan Kenobi is supposed to be dead . . . He made himself known to Luke through an occasional voice in the head or in a floating vision . . . all of Obi-Wan’s street credibility as a wizened spiritual guide is thrown out the window when he . . . shuffles about like Fred G. Sandord in a coat of glow paint . . . Obi-Wan never fades back into oblivion once his message is delivered in Jedi. For all we know, he and Luke could have spent hours hanging out and gossiping like housewives."

Really, guys? Really? We’re going to pick on Obi-Wan now? All right. Let's pick. Personally, what always got to me was the part in ESB when he shows up, glowing brighter than he has reason to, and holds his hands up, miming the useless "Don’t give in to anger!" speech. In fact, his appearance in ROTJ is not wholly different from his final showing in ESB -- he's a little less bug-eyed, perhaps -- but the same complaints listed here could conceivably apply to the (apparently) beyond-reproach center movie. Vebber & Gould resent Obi-Wan's moving around and his being so literally present, but what was he in ESB when he spends most of the time arguing with Yoda for Luke’s benefit? When two people hear the same voice, it ceases to be in one person's head. And as for the possible Jedi recipe-swapping, well, who’s to say he and Yoda and OW didn’t chillax awhile after Luke flew off? And since this portrayal in ROTJ isn't inconsistent with that of ESB, it clearly represents how the Force afterlife works -- and, while you have the right not to like it, you don’t have the right to discredit a man’s vision of his own universe, or list it as a cause for suckage.

14. Luke. "Mark Hamill . . . was perfectly cast as the wet-behind-the-ears student in the first two films, he simply lacks the dignity to pull off a believable Jedi Knight. To top things off, he has Aunt Beru’s haircut."

So apparently we're going to criticize the entire roster of characters in random order. I guess that's one way to reach fifty complaints. All right -- Mark Hamill is an intensely underrated actor whose talent lies mainly in his facial expressions. Yet, in stark contrast to Vebber & Gould's own whining, most people are hard on Hamill's "wet-behind-the-ears" ANH role and praise his work in Jedi. Clearly our nitpicking authors are merely nitpicking. Not only is Mark completely attractive in ROTJ, he has really come into his own. That lightsaber duel is among one of the most breathtaking pieces of cinematic art, and his weeping over Vader brings me to tears still. Even his hair is better . . . and look, guys, are you going to blame the early 80s for being the early 80s? Are you really going to take it there?

15. Surprise! They’re Brother and Sister "Lucas would routinely go on record stating . . . Star Wars was always first and foremost a story about a brother and sister. Does anybody really buy this? Wars and Empire both had sexually charged scenes that play significantly creepier when watched with the knowledge that Luke and Leia are siblings. It seems unlikely that Lucas would have included those scenes if he knew that one day people would be seeing them from such a different perspective. What seems likely, however, is that when Jedi came around, Lucas was grasping at straws, searching desperately for a plot revelation to equal Empire’s classic father/son moment. Oh well – even if Lucas is telling the truth (Yoda did, after all, say in Empire that there was ‘another’), the issue could have been handled in a less clumsy manner. Having Luke and Leia learn about their relationship through means other than spur-of-the-moment (albeit Force-guided) guesses would have been a start."

I know I included way more of this quotation than I have for the rest, but this is the big kahuna -- everybody’s big complaint -- so I won't address it halfway. First of all: Yes, George knew all along they were siblings, and he wasn't lying. Notice for example how very much Luke and Leia look alike at the end of ESB. There are little hints all through the second movie; apart from 'there is another,' there is the fact that when Luke is dying, she is the only person he can contact. Hmm, aha, she is also Force-sensitive, and he has an immediate connection to her.

Secondly, the so-called "sexually charged scenes" barely exist. In ANH, Luke is a farmboy who knew one other girl besides his aunt. Of course he was going to find any new female attractive, especially one involved in an exotic and dangerous mission. Leia never was as drawn to him as he was to her; he had a protective crush, but that smile she gives him at the end of ANH is pure tolerance, an 'I like you, but you're not my type, sweetie' kind of a thing. And in three years of working closely together in the galactic rebellion, Luke never pursued anything with her, and her attraction to Han is far more obvious. In ESB, who is she following around desperately? Han. Luke and Leia's so-called "kisses" are (in ANH) her pecking him on the cheek and (in ESB) her forcibly pressing her lips to his, out of no attraction whatsoever, done purely to make Han jealous. And sure, Luke enjoyed it. Guess what? He's a man and he didn't know! There are no magic sensors that tell you who your siblings are when you don’t know, all right?

I also wouldn't call George "grasping at straws" -- for anything, let alone another big reveal. Did anybody expect him to top "I am your father"? Because they shouldn't have; that was a one-time deal, baby. The only thing I might grant George was "grasping for," if that was going on, was a resolution to the triangle he had written himself into. And yet, since Luke and Leia never seem that attracted to one another, even that resolution was a big deal.

As far as the issue of posterity, this idea that George would have shot scenes differently if he had known during ESB that they were siblings, well, that isn’t true either. (I just proved he did know.) For one thing, to shoot with future viewing in mind compromises the genuine quality of the scenes. Picture the sickbay on Hoth, Luke in bed, Han strolling in and ribbing everybody, Leia annoyed at being interrupted. George suddenly gets panicky about people criticizing him for having a man and a woman kiss who are later revealed to be siblings; so Leia says, 'Why, I guess you don’t know everything about women yet,' smolders, and stalks out of the room. Oh, yeah, that’s great cinema there. Really? Is that what you want? (I'd do more examples, but I can't think of another even remotely sexual scene between them.)

Finally, the dismissal of how they find out about one another is completely inane. This is a demonstration for those of us who are still skeptical that the Force is more awesome than a planet-blowing-up machine. Luke's intuition is proving a point, not cutting a corner.

16. Unforgivable Dialogue. "Threepio approaching Jabba's palace: 'I have a bad feeling about this'; Han Solo, when confronted by Ewoks: 'I have a bad feeling about this'; Leia . . . 'I gotta get you out of here' . . . 'We gotta get out of here' . . . 'Let's get outta here.' With dialogue like this, it seems Lucas finally put that 'million monkeys at a million typewriters' theory to the test."

I don't think I consider this "unforgivable." Unfortunate, maybe, at least in Leia’s case; but the 'I have a bad feeling about this' has long since entered canon as a nod to those of us paying attention. (How a droid has feelings, I won’t ask. That would be my objection.) But so someone repeats the obvious like three times; big deal. Have you ever watched an action movie? At least George never gave us, "Move, move, move, move!" and "Run, run, run, run!"

I can’t believe the stilted dialogue scene in the Ewok village didn’t make this complaint.

17. Horrible Exposition. "'Artoo, look! It’s Captain Solo—and he’s still in carbonite!' Lines like this are for those people who somehow missed the first two movies . . ." Then they complain about Threepio's story to the Ewoks.

They got that quotation wrong; it's "and he's still frozen in carbonite." And this is a perfectly reasonable thing for Threepio to say! Stop being so selfish and thinking of all the dialogue in the movies exists purely for your benefit. Artoo was not present when Han was frozen in carbonite, and although the little droid's sensors are presumably able to identify what he is scanning, Threepio has an extemporaneous nature (probably because he was programmed by a freakin' nine-year-old), and genuinely, for the benefit of his counterpart, exclaims, 'Artoo, look!' I don't know why people who hadn't seen the first two movies would bother with this one at all, or why any scriptwriter would pander to them. (And since they don't cite any other examples, leaving me to conclude they exist primarily in our critics' minds, I can't defend any other instances.)

18. Jabba the Muppet. "Jabba isn’t all that scary. . . . Lucas . . . forgot humans are far more ominous than any shop-built alien life-form could ever hope to be. . . . We’re so busy trying to figure out where all the puppeteers were hiding beneath Jabba’s frame that we’re never able to accept him as a living, breathing character. . . ."

This is a prime example of Vebber & Gould deciding how the rest of us felt when we watched the movie. No, it never occurred to me once to wonder where the puppeteers were. Let me say this to our critics: What is wrong with you?! Do you analyze every movie into an undignified death?

I cannot believe how speciesist they are. This is the second anti-non-human complaint in this list. The Star Wars galaxy is one of varied lifeforms, and if you can't accept that, watch something else. George Lucas’ point was not to populate the universe with terrifying humans (and if he had, they'd probably just whine that there aren't any aliens); his point was to show the variety of the beings that exist. And for you males out there, because you seem to be all over The Godfather, Jabba is about as scary as Don Corleone -- a big fat guy sitting around giving orders, can't talk right? He is a gangster, and the power of gangsters lives in their disregard for life and the money they have to pay people with similar disgregard to do anything they please. Sure, if you’re in a room with Jabba, you will feel primarily disgust and the desire to shower, and yeah, you'll have fewer chills than if you're in a room with Moff Tarkin, you are way more likely to die during an audience with Jabba than in four or five meetings with Tarkin. (And yeah, Jabba's eyelids look fake. So does your mama. Do I have to repeat my quote from Fanboys about keeping the flaws?)

19. Stupid Coincidences. "'We have been without an interpreter since our master got angry with our last prodocol droid and disintegrated him.' Pan over to said droid being pulled apart . . . Numerous scenes like this further damage Jedi’s ability to convince us this stuff is really happening."

I appeal to the jury -- throw this objection out on the grounds of gross misunderstanding! I was 12 when I saw ROTJ the first time, and I didn't misunderstand it so badly! Eve was giving Threepio an example of a random disintegration taking place. 'We have been without' (emphasis mine) is the past participle -- this implies the disintegration of that particular droid took place some time ago. And even if you don't understand basic grammatical concepts, you ought to be able to recognize by now that the droid being ripped apart was not a protocol droid! I'm going to speculate that it was another example of an 8D smelter droid; but off the top of my head, I can’t verify that. So, no, not a coincidence, just Vebber & Gould being stupid. Their other examples are similarly lame -- Jabba and his court hiding behind a curtain? Leia had obviously been made and they were waiting on her. The skiff having grips able to retrieve the droids from the sand? This is actually a useful thing on a sand-skiff, and you're probably just jealous you can't get one on your Accord. So stop whining about it.

20. Boba Fett’s Death. "It’s inexcusable that such an imposing figure as Boba Fett . . . flies clumsily to his death in the Sarlacc pit." They then assert that "everyone" loves Boba Fett, he is the most "underused" character, and was largely anticipated to have a bigger role in ROTJ.

Anyone who anticipated anything about ROTJ did so at their own risk. If you don't like how Lucas makes his movies, go make your own. You won't ever get half so rich. And as for getting offended that Fett doesn’t have a role and gets popped off during a burp joke -- "According to the novels and comics, Fett survived. But that’s not what’s implied in the film itself, and it doesn’t make the scene any less shameful." How condescending. Well, first of all, the film doesn't imply Leia leads Han on for four years before finally marrying him . . . or much of anything happening after the celebration!

Whether his death is canonical or not, I know most people consider it an affront and cheaply offensive, but as I explained to you in point 7, Lucas didn't like Fett and made his death into a miniature commentary. He never understood the appeal of Fett as a character, or the wild popularity Fett suddenly experienced. And to quote Fanboys once again -- what was really so bad-ass about Fett? He had a jet pack; so did the Rocketeer. Timothy Zahn (Star Wars author) once pointed out that Lucas lets us play in his driveway; we can’t cry when he backs over our toys. Lucas threw Fett to the Sarlacc to prove that he could, to prove that fan opinion meant nothing to him, and God bless him for it. It’s a point that must be made -- and an attitude I wish he had kept.

Don't get me wrong; I’d be Mrs. Fett in a minute if he asked me. He and Wedge are indisputably 'the Man.' But 1) Boba Fett was much more 'the man' before they replaced his voice and before we knew who he was; and 2) Well, he just isn't dead. Read K. W. Jeter's The Mandalorian Armor!