Ways to Have Sex

  • Stick insects can screw each other for ten weeks straight. Without breaking anything.
  • A certain fruit fly produces sperm 20 times longer than itself.
  • After sex, the male blue milkweed beetle rides around on the female's back to prevent her from sleeping around.
  • The female alfalfa leaf-cutter bee has sex just once in a lifetime. Talk about pressure!
  • The female midge (a tiny fly) captures a male and, while raping him, stabs his face with her probiscuous, uses her spittle to turn the innards into soup, and sucks him dry. Then she breaks off his penis and throws away the empty shell.
  • The male garter snake is so vigorous in sex he must rest for 24 hours afterward.
  • A species of slime mold has not two different sexes, but over 500. Seriously.
  • A certain spider is nature's frat boy. He offers a female a powerful drug that makes her unable to resist his advances.
  • The female slippery dick (a fish) likes gang bangs, which help her fertilize more eggs.
  • The male California singing fish comes in two types: big brains or big balls. The smart ones know how to sing to attract the girls. The well hung ones just spray out more sperm (but they can't sing).
  • The marine iguana takes a long time to cum, and is often interrupted by another male, so when he sees a female he starts masturbating so that he will cum more quickly when he finally mounts her.
  • The male redback spider tries to get eaten during sex, because sex takes longer when she's munching on his abdomen, and that gives him time to deposit more sperm. Redback spiders are even known to snatch a rival out of a female's jaws, tie him up in silk, and then jump into the female's waiting mouth.
  • An hermaphrodite banana slug's penis is so big it often gets stuck and has to be gnawed off. It never grows back, so after that the slug can only play the female role.
  • When a kind of flatworm mates, it permanently fuses its genitalia with its partners. Hope they don't grow tired of each other!
  • The golden potto has a penis with enormous spines.
  • The male damselfly has an inflatable balloon and two horns at the tip of his penis, so he can pull out other guys' sperm before depositing his own.
  • The male dunnock (a bird) pecks at his partner's genitals to get her to dump any sperm she's collected.
  • When a honeybee orgasms he explodes. His penis shoots off into the queen bee, hoping to block her up from other bees' sperm.
  • The male balloon fly gives his partner a gift - a silk balloon - in exchange for sex. The balloon has no purpose except that it is fun for her to play with during sex.
  • One male lion had sex 157 in just 55 hours with two different females. If one pride of lions defeats another, the winning males will kill all the cubs, which stops the females from producing milk and makes them horny again.
  • After sex, the a certain female cockroach eats out of her partner's butt.
  • A certain marine flatworm is an hermaphrodite. They like to run up to a mate, stab it with their sharp penis, inseminate, and run away. But mates don't like to be stabbed, so they defend themselves; with their own sharp penis. The result? Penis fencing. Fights can last an hour.
  • Southern elephant seals bite each other during sex, and are often drenched in blood when finished. But the wounds aren't serious. They just seem to like it. But sometimes the male accidentally bites the female's head, crushing it. Oops.
  • The female Darwin frog lays eggs which sit on the ground for three weeks before the male swallows them. The eggs develop in his vocal sac. After 52 days, Dad opens his mouth and, abracadabra, tiny frogs hop out.
  • A kind of garden slug has sex while hanging up-side-down from a tree. It has a 3-foot-long penis coming out of its head.
  • To keep his girl from seeing other guys, the male house mouse plugs up his partner with a substance so tough that any attempt to remove it will tear her womb.
  • The bdelloid rotifer gave up on males 80 million years ago; the females have reproduced through cloning ever since. One way they do this is to plunder the genes of nearby dead bacteria. Necrophilia!
  • A female spotted hyena is penetrated inside her clitoris, and also gives birth through it. As you can imagine, this is very painful, and about 10% of spotted hyenas die in childbirth.
  • The male green spoon worm is 200,000 times smaller than the female. For sex, she sniffs him up into her nose where he fertilizes her eggs.
  • A certain crab spider always ties his lover down before fucking her.
  • A certain spiny-headed worm lives inside cockroaches. When the cockroach is eaten by a rat, the worms grow up and have sex in the rat's intestines. After sex, the male puts cement in the female's woo-hoo so she can't mess with other guys. Males will also cement each other so they have less competition.
  • A female chimpanzee might screw 8 fellas in 15 minutes.
  • The brood of a certain species of mites may contain 80 females and only a couple males, who then mate with all their hot sisters.
  • The Amazon river dolphin enjoys sex so much it sometimes penetrates another's blowhole. Whoosh!
  • A certain kind of bower bird builds a tower 10 feet high to attract a mate.
  • The Caribbean reef squid always cums on his partner's face. She then decides whether to wipe it off or put it in her nether regions.
  • About thirty of a kind of tiny pseudoscorpion (without a sting) can ride a harlequin beetle at a time. A dominant male gets there first and lets only females on board. When they take off, he has sex with as many of them as he can.
  • A female praying mantis will eat her partner's head during sex so the corpse goes into neurological spasms that makes sex more exciting.
  • A certain roundworm comes in two sexes: hermaphrodite and male. Hermaphrodites can inseminate each other, or one can play the male role and the other the female role. Hermaphrodites can also fertilize themselves, or sleep with a male.
  • The hammerhead bat has a voice box that takes up half his body. He needs it so he can honk the loudest and attract a mate.
  • Some termites have "bearded sperm," sperm with a hundred tails.
  • The male sagebrush cricket has teeth on its back to hold the female in place while screwing her. She returns the favor by sucking his blood during sex. Kinky!
  • A certain wasp mates not only with her son but also her grandson produced from that incestuous liaison.
Author Comments: 

Collected from Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation. Also see here, here, and here.

Haha, what a classic list.

Don't forgot that barnacles have penises twice the length of their body, as one of our teachers was fond of saying....

It's official. This list is in my top 3 favorite lists of all time. It's about time someone has a sense of humor (and curiosity) like mine, though I'm sure you have been around much longer than me (haha...much longer...haha - bad joke my bad).

I have to admit, this list has really changed my opinion of incest. Gosh, I can't believe how bourgeoisie I used to be.

Balloon Fly dudes must really suck at having sex if the females need a balloon to play with while fucking.

That wasp is a little whore! Her son and her grandson? Not okay! lol