The Ten Commandments of Dating (and more!)
Submitted by diaskeaus on Wed, 03/01/2006 - 13:02
Tags:
- 1. Thou Shalt Get a Life
- Unlife: people who have put their life on hold
- 1. Desperation
- 2. Dependence
- 3. Depression and loneliness
- 4. Detachment
- 5. Coping with un-Life: Media-Bation
- How to Get a Life
- 1. Get Grounded
- 2. Get Grouped
- 3. Get Goal-Oriented
- 4. Get Giving
- 5. Get Growing
- Some things to do while growing:
- 1. Learn a new language
- 2. Learn to play a musical instrument
- 3. Pick up rock-climbing or skydiving (for the brave at heart)
- 4. Take dancing lessons
- 5. Learn to paint, draw, or write poetry
- 6. Starting hunting or fishing
- 7. Improve your public speaking skills
- 8. Play your favorite sport or pick up a new one
- 9. Continue your education
- 10. Pick up sailing, skiiing, or scuba diving
- 11. Learn about another country and culture and then travel to this foreign land
- 2. Thou Shalt Use Your Brain
- Three Drives of Romantic Love (scary!)
- 1. Emotion-driven dating
- 2. Hormone-driven dating
- 3. Spirit-driven dating
- A Brain is a terrible thing to Waste
- 1. Balance the Head and the Heart
- 2. Refrain from physical intimacy
- 3. Analyze your past relationships
- 4. Include others in the process
- 5. Never neglect opportunities to evaluate
- Some questions to use:
- 1. Do I enjoy this person as a friend?
- 2. Is there mutual giving and sharing?
- 3. Is there any aspect of his or her personality that I can't tolerate?
- 4. Could I enjoy spending time with this person if we abstained from physical contact?
- 5. Do I feel encouraged, affirmed, and challenged by this person?
- 6. In what ways do we benefit each other?
- 7. In what ways do we hurt each other?
- 8. Does he or she have a bad temper or an overly large chainsaw collection? (Refer to Commandment 9, "Thou shalt not ignore warning signs)
- 3. Thou Shalt Be Equally Yoked
- Unequally Yoked Relationships
- 1. The Missionary Relationship (looking outside the church)
- 2. The Mother Theresa Relationship (going after broken people)
- 3. The Exotic Relationship (radically different)
- 4. The Sugar Daddy Relationship (substantial age difference)
- 5. The Dennis Rodman Relationship (out of rebellion)
- The Equally Yoked Relationship
- 1. The Spiritual Connection
- 2. The Physical Connection
- 3. The Social Connection
- Important issues associated with family background:
- 1. Holiday customs
- 2. Family rules
- 3. Expectations about spousal roles
- 4. Finances
- 5. Rearing children
- 6. In-laws
- 7. Domestic responsibilities
- 8. Work ethic
- 9. Resolving conflict
- 10. Religious beliefs and practices
- How to relate:
- 1. Social skills
- 2. Level of social involvement
- 3. How to spend free time (hobbies, interests)
- 4. Desire to be in groups/social gatherings
- 5. Gravitation toward similar types of people
- 6. Communication style
- 7. Intellectual compatibility/educational background
- 4. Thou Shalt Take it Slow
- Three reasons:
- 1. You do not get to know a person in a short period of time.
- 2. You need time to bond. (1-Scouting Stage, 2-Infatuation Stage, 3-Honeymoon Phase, 4-Reality Bites Stage)
- 3. You protect yourself from getting attached too quickly.
- Seven slow-motion dating strategies
- 1. Make the two-year commitment (Hezekiah 4:35)
- 2. Make your first date short and casual
- 3. Don't volunteer too much information up front
- 4. Delay physical affection
- Men are looking for CAR:
- C-Someone who is a Challenge
- A-Someone they are Attracted to
- R-Someone they can Respect
- 5. Stay connected with your friends
- 6. Do not pray together
- 7. Don't mention the "M" word (marriage)
- 5. Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries
- How to Stop people from running over you
- 1. Your body belongs to you
- 2. Your emotions belong to you
- 3. Your thoughts belong to you
- 4. Your actions belong to you
- Four lies people believe about boundaries
- 1.Boundaries are walls
- 2. Boundaries are selfish
- 3. Boundaries are controlling and manipulative
- 4. Boundaries are insensitive and rude
- 6. Thou Shalt Save Sex for Later
- Why so many singles are having sex
- 1. All you need is a condom
- 2. You've got to have it
- 3. Sex equals intimacy
- 4. If you are in love, it's ok
- 5. You must sample the goods
- 6. It's just a physical thing
- 7. Everybody's doing it
- How do you save sex for later?
- 1. Celebrate wholeness
- 2. Receive forgiveness
- 3. Set clear boundaries
- 4. Stay accountable
- 7. Thou Shalt Not Play House
- The real reason people live together
- 1. Fear
- 2. Sex
- 3. Manipulation
- 4. Immaturity
- 8. Thou Shalt Fight Fairly
- Top four harmful responses to conflict
- 1.Peace at all costs (avoidance)
- 2. Win/lose (Defensiveness)
- 3. You Don't Count (invalidation)
- 4. All-Out-War (Intensification)
- Five fair-fighting techniques
- 1. Dial down
- 2. Set the tone
- 3. Shut up and listen
- 4. Use "I" statements
- 5. Negotiate and compromise
- Practical guidelines
- 1. Identify the problem
- 2. List possible solutions
- 3. Commit to try one or a combination of possible solutions
- 4. Reevaluate your choice at a later time
- 9. Thou Shalt Not Ignore Warning Signs
- The seven deadly signs
- 1. Abuse
- Types of abuse
- 1. Physical abuse (use of size, strength)
- 2. Verbal abuse (use of words to control)
- 3. Emotional abuse (use of action/lack of action to control/demean)
- 4. Sexual abuse (sexual behavior harmful to another)
- 2. Addictions
- 3. Infidelity
- 4. Irresponsibility and immaturity (The Peter Pan)
- Characteristics to watch out for
- 1. Lacks goals, direction, and purpose for life
- 2. Doesn't take care of self (poor hygiene)
- 3. Is indecisive about many things, even trivial decisions
- 4. Constantly puts off doing things until last minute (procrastinates)
- 5. Is often late for important engagements
- 6. Regularly misplaces significant personal items like a checkbook or wallet
- 7. Waits for others to initiate social activity or relationships
- 8. Has difficulty keeping a job for a reasonable length of time
- 9. Has poor credit history
- 10. Keeps house or apartment looking like a disaster
- 11. Forgets important dates
- 12. Has careless spending habits
- 13. Constantly bounces checks or is overdrawn at his/her bank
- 14. Often borrows money (mooches) from others
- 5. No physical/sexual attraction
- 6. Emotional baggage
- 7. Denial
- Top five reasons why people ignore red flags
- 1. It's familiar to them
- 2. They don't deserve anything better
- 3. It's better than nothing
- 4. They have the same problem
- 5. Fear of the breakup
- 10. Thou Shalt Choose Wisely
- Barriers to discerning true character
- 1. First-Available syndrome
- 2. Fooled by the externals
- 3. Blinded by sex
- 4. Going too fast
- Qualities of character
- 1. Faithful
- 2. Honest
- 3. Committed
- 4. Forgiving
- 5. Giving
- Helpful hints for discerning character
- 1. Crisis reveals someone's true character
- 2. Character is who you are when no one is looking
- 3. Friends are a window into a person's character
- 4. Look back on prior relationships to determine patterns of behavior
- 5. Give it lots of time
- Five questions to discern character
- 1. Can he or she demonstrate loyalty?
- 2. Can he or she be open and real?
- 3. Can he or she hang in when the going gets tough?
- 4. Can he or she let you off the hook?
- 5. Can he or she put you first?
- 11. Thou Shalt Take Action
- Advice for taking action
- 1. Take a look at yourself
- 2. Take responsibility for your relationships
- 3. Take back what you lost
- 4. Take a look around you
- 5. Take time out
- 6. Take these laws seriously
Author Comments:
From the book, "The 10 Commandments of Dating," by Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams
Very good words to live by!
I'm glad somebody besides myself is saying that!
Oh, absolutely! I agree with everything on the list. I was at first taken aback by the recommendation not to pray together, since I think prayer is an important component of a healthy relationship, but it sure does speed up intimacy, and it can create some dangerous situations.
I was taken aback as well by that statement, but then upon further considering, thought it was a very good addition. If you read the book, it provides more illumination towards that concept, but in short, praying together early on not only provides more time to be intimate, but it also restricts your ability to develop on your own with God, which is vitally important to developing yourself. When people pray together, they also act stupid much of the time - I don't know if you've ever been in a prayer meeting, when someone in the room has prayed a certain way because they know that is what is expected - but if we restrict our prayer time to just that (it's hard enough to find time to pray everyday, much less for ourselves alone) then it's quite possible we would act in ways that are contrary to our actual spirit.
Sound advice, for the most part. A bit on the conservative side, though, with regard to sex and cohabitation. Certainly many people fall into the trap of thinking those two things equal intimacy, but many mature people are perfectly capable of living together and being physically intimate early. Some even consider being physically intimate an essential part of a healthy romantic relationship.
As for the rest of it, like I said, sound advice. Be a whole person before looking to complete yourself with someone else. Remember that you're separate people no matter how involved you are, and always pay that person the same respect you would pay anyone else.
Thanks for sharing this, by the way.
In part what you say I think is true, although very special circumstances are required for people who share physical intimacy early on, so that they would stay together. The problem when people share such things with each other so early, is they don't allow longer goals and purpose to develop, before being thrown into physical infatuation, which often is coupled with blindness towards faults that might otherwise drive someone crazy.
I don't think it takes very special circumstances. It just takes two people who see sex as something that can range from something that is simply fun to a wonderful expression of love between two people. Essentially it takes people who don't see sex in narrow terms and conservative views.
What do you see as narrow and conservative about saving sex for marriage?
Well, it's a personal choice, obviously. But saying that it's a personal choice implies that people can choose not to wait for marriage and not have it lead to the kind of codependence and emotional confusion you refer to as being the result of sex before marriage.
I'm saying that it's narrow to view healthy sex as something that can only occur between two people who love each other (and further, are married). Obviously, it's better when it is, but it can be fun when it's not. I'm saying that it's conservative in general to see sex as something that should be saved for marriage. Many, many healthy, happy people have sex before marriage, and it doesn't do them any harm.
100 reads! Woo hoo!
These comments are gross, this is in case you haven't noticed a christian guide so id appreciate if you didn't spew your babble about sex is ok and all that foolishness you have sex after your married, you cant choose to have half of god but not the other half, im young and even i know that this is wrong, think before you speak not everything that comes out is profound.