Perfect Pop

How to write for Pitchfork, according to the311saint, over here.

Review Guidelines:

-Follow-up albums can only score 0.1-2.0 points higher than the album prededing it. However, the follow-up album is also free to be given a grade at anything lower than the grade the band got last time. Follow?
Ex: Album 1 got a 6.8. Album 2 can only go up to a maximum of 8.8, but can go down all the way to 0.0

-If you really liked an album from a band, the next anything you review from the band must score less. This is very ideal if the band quickly releases an EP, or a bonus track you can review on We are the World, etc. The harshness of the review should be directly proportional to how high the score of the album was.
Ex: Funeral gets a 9.7 (or whatever it was). The Arcade Fire Christmas thing (or the Talking Heads cover) is reviewed immediately after and got a pathetic 0.5 or 1.5 out of 5 score. There are no exceptions to this rule. Ever.

-In the event that you cannot deny that the follow up album is better, as I said, you are only allowed to give it a score of two points higher. Again: no exceptions.

-Generally, every alt. rock band/artist that was popular in the mid-90's (and that, generally, you liked) must be destroyed in the new millenium. These albums should always receive a score of 0.0 to 5.0. If you're risking pretention by giving it a low score, throw a 7.2 on it and call it "an uninnovative addition to an already-saturated canon".
Ex: Wait for the reviews of the new Nine Inch Nails, Weezer, etc.

-Mainstream rap releases automatically score 8.0 or higher to show that (a) you, and the site as a whole, have diverse tastes and (b) you, and the site as a whole, are unpredictable.

-Every couple of months, review a metal album. Score it around 7.5. Make no reference to the other releases of the band, because you have no heard them. When explaining how the band sounds, come up with something like "aggro-grindcore-sludgemastery". The more hyphens, the better the review.

-Hype something a lot in the news. Score the hyped artist 6.8. Just like that, you helped Pitchfork single-handedly create the buzz and create the backlash!

-Review something that generally should not be reviewed on Pitchfork because it's so common/obviously bad that there's no need to further beat a dead horse (Gwen Stefani, Moby). Beat that dead horse. This ties in to the next point:

-Always spend about twice as long writing about an album that gets a 2.3 than you would for an album that gets an 8.8. If you don't know what to write for an album you hate, make a lot of stuff up (post AIM conversations, have your nephew jump on the keyboard for 20 minutes, etc). You write for Pitchfork and you have no obligation to explain why you didn't like it.

-The fifth review listed for the day should ALWAYS get a 6.8-7.5.

General reissued albums guideline:

-Take an album that is generally a masterpiece. Take the score down to about 9.6, because reissues should very rarely get perfect marks (too predictable). Instead, go even further and take it down to about a 9.1. In the review, try and subtley say that the album wasn't really that good

We are the World/singles:

-This is a great place to distance yourself from artists you're stereotyped as being in love with. Score as follows out of 5:
Popular indie artists: 0.5-2
Mainstream artists, pop songs: 2-5
Live covers: 0.5-1 (use "unnecessary" as many times as possible in that little paragraph)
Popular rap artists: 5

I think I covered it.
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is the worst nudity in this game breast -Leon Srtife asking the pertinent questions about God of War
From: Fracture | Posted: 4/12/2005 2:24:18 PM | Message Detail
Oh yeah I forgot one:

In the rare event you need to give a 10 out because people are calling your site to cynical:

-The band is always an indie rock band. Nothing fancy, no real outgoing influences being put on display, just a nice small rock band who write 3-5 minute songs. Bonus if they're Canadian. Album should be described as "ethereal", "ideas so familiar presented in such a startling and new fashion", "uplifting", "free", "fresh", etc.