It's All Bad!

Submitted by stumpyver.fo on Wed, 08/02/2006 - 08:44
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  • "bills only" mail
  • almost sneezing
  • 13 minutes into an old Lassie TV episode
  • 6 to 8 week deliveries
  • a boy/girl playing catch by themselves
  • a clown in a restroom
  • a dog with a limp
  • a dying houseplant you don’t know how to save
  • a fantastic coincidence no one will believe
  • a field of cows in the rain
  • a freshly fallen "green leafed" branch laying under a tree after a storm
  • an old sofa abandoned on the side of a back road
  • an ugly dog in an animal shelter
  • an un-white Christmas
  • any Hank Williams song
  • any magazine with more than 10 pages of advertising before the contents page
  • bedtime to a kid
  • bent Slinkys
  • bird crap on a clean car
  • chained dogs
  • cheap stereos played loud
  • cigarette butt sidewalk collections
  • cloudy days
  • cold toilet seats
  • confederate flags (celebrate your racist ancestry behind closed doors, please)
  • crossed-out names in an address book
  • dead batteries
  • deflated beach balls
  • discovering the "real" personality of someone you once idolized
  • discovering you’re not done when you inspect your freshly cleaned window
  • dog licks before they dry
  • dribbling public drinking fountains
  • dying campfires
  • empty candy dishes
  • empty mailboxes
  • empty playgrounds
  • empty pockets when you need change
  • empty toilet paper rolls
  • enough cardboard inserts in magazines to consider fireplace kindling
  • flagpoles without flags
  • flat pillows
  • footprints marring a beautiful open field of snow.
  • forgetting a good dream
  • forgotten "goodbye" kisses
  • forgotten birthdays (yours)
  • growing apart from old friends
  • half-melted snowmen
  • hang nails
  • having a dirty dish collector as a roommate
  • having a need to shred documents
  • having to explain a joke
  • huge broken icicles that you missed in all their glory
  • itchy hair on your neck after a haircut
  • kite stuck in a tree
  • KKK uniforms for children
  • last call (and it still hurts)
  • lobster tanks
  • local TV news "tease" ads
  • logging trucks
  • long lines at amusement parks
  • loose hats on windy days
  • mean mommas pulling crying kids out of Toys-R-Us empty-handed
  • melting scoop of ice cream on the sidewalk
  • minimum wage
  • misplaced remotes
  • missing "out of order" signs
  • missing puzzle pieces
  • monday mornings
  • morning cow licks
  • naked dolls (bonus for exposed hair plug holes)
  • new snow on a shoveled walkway
  • no discount for self-service check-out lanes
  • no Express check-out lanes
  • no Kleenex’s when you really need one
  • no more "Mom and Pop" party stores
  • not being able to tell someone what you really think
  • not saying goodbye and regretting it later
  • no vacancy
  • old abandoned tree houses
  • old movie stars
  • Old Yeller
  • one "storm ravaged" tree in the middle of a field
  • one loose balloon floating away
  • pancake make-up
  • parking meters
  • parties where nobody shows up
  • peeling paint
  • pencils without erasers
  • people having to smoke outside an office building
  • people unaware of their own ignorance
  • people who heavily tint their car windows and then get upset if you don’t return their waves.
  • people who wait until your answering machine message is over before they hang up
  • people with pets for children
  • pre-empted TV shows
  • privacy fences
  • raindrops on a clean car
  • rainy holidays
  • reruns
  • running out of ink and having to change pens halfway through a handwritten letter
  • Salvation Army and Goodwill stores
  • scorched popcorn
  • security bars on house windows
  • seriously old magazines in doctors offices
  • service engine warning lights
  • shorter Fall days
  • single table yard sales
  • sold-out concerts
  • somebody asking now to spell your name more than once
  • someone alone on a park bench
  • sparrows in the snow
  • spastic dogs
  • speed bumps
  • stale marshmallow "Chickies"
  • teacher salaries
  • teenagers smoking
  • the "hurt feeling" face on a three year old
  • the fact that black velvet paintings sell
  • the first scuff on a new pair of shoes
  • the first time your kids make fun of your kind of music
  • the inability of a dog to reach the flea
  • the last cookie in a package
  • the last inch of warm beer in the bottle
  • the last puppy in a "Free Puppy" give-away
  • the look on a dogs face when you yell at them
  • the miniature super-nova that happens when the light bulb blows
  • the old AM-PM mix-up on an alarm clock
  • the regret of forgetting a friend's birthday
  • the truth when you don’t want to hear it
  • three inch wide, rice paper toilet tissue used in cheap restaurants
  • train tracks in the middle of nowhere
  • traveling carnival ride operators
  • turtles
  • unanswered "I love you's"
  • unexpectedly wet toilet seats
  • un-popped popcorn kernels
  • unsold Christmas trees on Christmas day
  • unused exercise equipment as trophy's to laziness
  • urban barbed wire
  • vinyl car seats at 100 degrees
  • vinyl car seats at zero degrees
  • walking canes
  • watching a slowly growing drip spot on your garage floor
  • wet restroom door handles
  • when DJ’s don’t tell you the name of the great song they just played
  • when people don’t notice you’ve lost weight
  • when people notice you've gained weight
  • when someone steals your idea
  • when things roll under the couch, bed, etc…
  • when your "Girl Scout" cookies run out
  • Wile E. Coyote
  • wind chimes on a windless day
  • workaholics with children at home
Author Comments: 

A somewhat unnecessary ode to equal time. Proof perhaps that life cannot be all good or all bad.