A Better Hell for the New Mllenium!
Submitted by darktremor on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 04:52
Tags:
- I know why Christianity is losing members these days. It's because they're so uncreative with their pathetic Hell. Forever on fire? Is that the best you guys can do? The Spanish Inquisition was more horrible than your supposed unimaginable epitome of excruciating torment, and that was something like 300 years ago. If something that out of date can beat your little fire lake, you guys are sorely in need of an overhaul. And besides, with movies like Hostel and Saw blowing up the box office, do you really think you're going to scare people with unoriginal pap like "an eternity of flames?"
- So, I've designed a better Hell, in the hopes that it might help convert some of us blaspheming heretics who prefer being good people for the sake of helping others, rather than shallowly fearing divine wrath.
- The following is a cycle of tortures which you will have to endure one after another. Upon completing one, the next must be endured. At the end, you must return to the first:
- 1.Being atheist and stuck in a room with outspoken evangelical Biblical literalists for a year.
- 2.Having a spiked straw driven into your heart, and the other end shoved through your chin into your mouth, so you are forced to drink your own blood or choke, all while more tubes are inserted into your mouth from all other arteries one after another (note that your mouth is perfectly sealed so no blood can escape), until your stomach ruptures. Rinse and repeat 500 times. This will be a relief after number 1.
- 3.Reprise number one, after the lovely break that was number 2.
- 4.Pins are inserted into your body one after another, covering every inch of you until all of your flesh is essentially disintegrated. Ever step on a nail? It sucks doesn't it? This would suck more. Almost more than the first torture.
- 5.Brooks and Dunn. That is all.
- 6.You are broken on the wheel, while on fire (all of your bones shattered until liquid, then your limbs are tied in knots). Next, your body is sliced to bits in this state, one millimetre at a time, until you are a pile of nearly microscopic pieces, all of which still have full nervous system functioning. Regenerate the body, and repeat 500 times.
- (Seriously, that's way more evil than anything in Dante's Inferno, and I'm not even trying. I've already made a way scarier Hell, so I'm done.)
- Note that Christian rock plays continuously during all of the previous steps.
- Bottom line: Hell is here on Earth. It walks around in the form of people who actually believe in Hell.
Author Comments:
I'll come up with more horrible evil later, but I'm not pissed off anymore, so I'm done with mocking an easy target and thinking sadistic thoughts.
HAHA! Loved this list, good idea, particularly liked the idea of number 1 & 3 *shudders at the thought*
haha yeah: I've been in similar places to that one before, and an eternity of it would be guaranteed madness.
Opinionated people with no tolerance of other's ideas really do get EXTREMELY irritating, and you'd think being in a grammar school I'd be among intelligent people, well I can tell you is just not true, so many un-informed idiots spewing rubbish ALL the time.
How about another grueling hellish task is that you have to watch every single teen girl movie ever created for five years on end eg. Bratz, Mean Girls, Sleepover, Anything with Hilary Duff in etc etc =P would drive anyone insane.
Number 1 is true hell. And you are absolutely right on the bottom line.
Haha, yeah. And everything on here is worse than anything in the boring Christian Hell.