[artists: dislikes] artists I personally can't enjoy save one song

Madonna I can't even enjoy as a trifle. So many journalists have wet themselves trying to describe how the Queen of Self-Promotion has revolutionized female music, music video, and pop music in general. But all she's done since the early 80s is make consumable tripe into vehicles for her outsized ego. The book, the movies, the plays, none of this would've happened if she hadn't almost let us see her naughty bits so many times. Her voice is derivative at best, and thin 'n' reedy at worst. But with "Don't Tell Me", she got me. A seductively emotionless chopped-up guitar picking around while Ms. Ciccone sings off-kilter similes about empty love. For a woman who has made a career of turning love into a rote, mechanistic quasi-feminist act, her declaration of love as a real, devastating force hit me particularly hard. Within two weeks of hearing the song, I had purchased both Wal-Mart singles, both chock-full of terrible house remixes of a woozy, disillusioned gem.

I don't care for Prince. He's Brian Wilson without the drugs, only I don't think he's within orgasmic moaning distance of Mr. Wilson, the real King of Pop. His music reflects his time too much; the drum machines, the tepid rock 'n' roll synth, the mobs of background dancers. Sure, he can play 14 instruments. But 14 instruments sounds like crap if you can't manage them. Maybe I'm missing something, but I have no idea why "Little Red Corvette" is so popular. It's yr basic rock and roll song, here and gone. But "Rasberry Beret"! It's sweet and playfully naughty. The elegant march of the strings and guitar accompany Prince's nostalgic little trip. Greatness. If only he could pull back on his excesses to make more stuff like this. Maybe he should get a Big Star record or something. I dunno. "Kiss" is all right too, but more as a squealy novelty (he name-checks "Dynasty"! I don't remember "Dynasty"!).

With the Eagles, he made lite-rock du jour. Solo, it only got worse. Bland bland bland. Anyway, maybe I shouldn't like "Dirty Laundry"; maybe it has too cliched a lyric. But I love the gleeful heartlessness in lines like "It's interesting when people die" and "Can we film the operation? Is the head dead yet?". Accompanied with funky organ licks and a (hopefully intended) plodding march, (perhaps) drawing parallels with America's lockstep march into intellectual mediocrity. It's gold. And I'm sure that in 1982, it was even more funny.

One of the first music videos I'd ever seen was "Waterfalls", and it featured three serious-looking women singing these cautionary tales about overstepping your limits. A smooth, organic funky R&B number. Left-Eye's rap was an eye-opener, also: I had never heard a female rapper before, and I could hear the hope and regret in her few lines. That said, I haven't liked anything I've ever heard by 'em since. Too cliched (Scrubs, Creep) or too clumsy (Unpretty). For me, they hit the mark with that one track.

Journey. What can I say? "Faithfully". That's one song made perfect by a wave of synths.

Cannot stand Kid Rock, don't believe anything he says, don't think he's white trash, don't think he ever mixes "the punk rock" with anything, and want him to be tortured for the AOR horror called Uncle Kracker. But he suckered me with the laid-back braggadocio of "Cowboy". At least here he doesn't try to elevate his earlymorningstonedpimp fantasies into high drama or psuedo-rage. And the stream-of-consciousness rap at the end is great entertainment, too. "Mack like mayors" indeed. The song's about 30 years too late for one of those Clint Eastwood/ape movies, but it's great escapist fun nonetheless.

A lot of people hold up Incubus as the herald of a kinder, gentler alternative rock, while neglecting the glorious sounds percolating up from the underground. But c'mon. "she who sees from up high smiles and surely sings/prospective pries her once weighty eyes and it gives you wings"? "seeing you is like pulling teeth and hearing your voice is like chewing tinfoil"? Weird Freaking Al sang about chewing tinfoil first, guys. But I will say that Brandon Boyd's voice is well-suited to their vaguely Eastern, soaring melismatic choruses. For some reason, they can make the tritest of sayings ("wish you were here", "nice to know you", "whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there") sound inspiring - but only in the chorus! it's weird.

And I'm getting tired of this song, too.

How could anyone consider this guy scary? He made the goofiest videos, his songs are fumbles tributes to madness or Alistair Crowley and have titles like "You Can't Kill Rock and Roll". Oy. Randy Rhoads was great, but the material he was given was warmed-over Led Zeppelin without the funk. But I like "Time After Time" for the graceful chiming intro, Ozzy's doing-his-best-to-manage-his-thin-voice chorus, and the well-executed transistion between the pensive and strident. Plus he's a big teddy bear.

I don't know why exactly, but this song gives me goosebumps. Maybe it's the fervor with which Father O'Connor declares her allegiance to God, and statement of His devotion. As a Christian, I'm always interested in non-wishy-washy religious statements from either side of the fence. For every sixty "Jesus Is Just Al Right", there is one "No Man's Woman". Maybe it's that rarity of clarity that makes me like it so much.