2004: Movies Sorted By Tier
Submitted by stooky on Sun, 06/13/2004 - 12:15
Tags:
- Great
- Before Sunset
- **A stellar film, romantic and urgent, complete with the rapture of really great film-making. A nearly story-less 90 minute film careens past with breathless speed. The conversation is a marvel of screen-writing, intense, funny and emotional and the actors bring stellar performances. The finest film of the year is scant praise, finest film of this young decade would be a better summation. I enjoyed "Before Sunset" so thouroughly I can't find a single thing to complain about, the faults are unimportant. This film also has a fabulous closing scene, destined to be included on best ending lists for years to come. You must see this film.
- Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind
- **Mind-boggling examination of memory, love, attraction (& about 40 other things) that actually gets better as it progresses. A wild stylistic conceit propels the film beyond anything I'd seen before. Joel Barish wakes up in his bed, heads to work but it seemingly pulled by unknown forces towards a beach. Upon getting there he is set upon by a strange girl. Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet are flawless in these roles. Able to cope with a film that blazes with furious invention, consistantly asking the viewer to watch intensely jumbled montages of scenes. Incredibly complex jump-cuts and cross-cuts all conveying a linear story-line backwards. Imagine Momento meets Open Your Eyes meets Adaptation. These elements instead of collapsing upon themselves like countless other "avante" films comes to radiant life. Each scene informing the next and the next until the weight of invention is causing your head to swirl. Then imagine that film could end with a scene of incredible sweetness and wisdom. Simply a fantastic film, incredible in every facet.
- Kill Bill Vol. 2
- Shaun Of The Dead
- **A brilliant redux of zombie movies in a Monty Python-esque vein. I watched this film expecting it to lose focus, develop a bad fourth, fifth or sixth act. But the laughs, the gore and the potent scares just kept coming. Shaun is a slacker, widdling away his life with his best friend Ed. The impending zombie apocolypse puts an end to the laziness as he must save his mom and his girlfriend and a few other people. What makes this film utterly fantastic is the film-maker's skill at merging the styles seamlessly. They never forget to pay homage while mocking every standard plot-twist with hilarious glee. "Shaun" is so good, it could be better than the movies it mocks. So get your ass off the couch and get thee to a theatre, lest ye miss the funniest movie of the year.
- Spiderman 2
- **The filmmakers finally get to the best part of the Spiderman comic series and it shows. Superior to the first in almost every way Spiderman 2 is a masterpiece. It's got turmoil, humour, tension and splendid action that fills every scene with an assured greatness. A pleasure to watch in every aspect I didn't even mind when the projectionist fell asleep near the last reel and left us with white screen for about 5 minutes.
- Super Size Me
- **This is a documentary only in the sense that it focuses on the life of real people; it more closely resembles a science experiment done for a classroom of children. Us being the children who have been suffering under the delusion that McDonalds weren’t a greedy, enthusiastically venal corporation bent on causing a global fat disaster. Strictly done for entertainment value, as many diversions from the point are filmed for their sarcastically comedic content, and expectations should be farther on the Moore, Morris side of documentaries. That, however, doesn’t make this movie any less hilarious or startlingly frightening. As a youth I spent my time being in different states of girth, from slightly overweight to being a serious porker topping out at 400 lbs. at the age of 17. I could thusly qualify myself as a “fatness theologian” and critic of many fine and fatty cuisines. I however had certain things in my favour: 1) the fact that in the several times I was a thin, fit fellah I topped out at 245 2) the fact that my shoulders are 48-52 inches in width on different occasions, 3) the fact that I have a wide waste. All that adds up to the fact that I hide it well other than on my rather rotund potbelly that I’ve had since I was a whippersnapper. As I digress further…me and the family were forced to go see a diabetes counsellor when my mom developed type 2 diabetes (she turned out to be an extremely thin Germanic woman) and we were given a crash course in diet. 1) Carbohydrates: 1 serving should be the size of your cupped hand, in other words about a ½ to 1 cup depending on your size; 2) Protein: 1 serving should be the size of your palm; 3) Vegetables: 1 serving should be the size of both hands cupped; 3) Fruit: 1 serving should be the size of your fists. And there was more, about starches, hidden proteins, fat and salt consumption all coming with their own specific rules. Whole grains, baking vs. frying, white flower vs. whole wheat, good carbohydrates vs. bad carbohydrates (yes…there is a distinction); then more about calories and your body’s ability to store energy, exercise and the breaking down of fat deposits. When one of us asked about fast food, she grimaced and said that once a month should be the allotment of greasy food, not to eat anywhere that had a drive-through and to only buy your “grease-with-food-on-it” at restaurants that cooked from scratch. It was incredible how complicated eating had suddenly become. I had become resident chef, as I was the only one who could remember the entire 4-hour discourse. I began with a perfectly proportioned meal (met with slight disappointment), which I noticed was quite the contrary of what we’d eaten before; we’d actually been calling potatoes the vegetable of earlier meals. By week one we’d all had some seriously strange “bathroom based” changes and seemed to be letting off the tangiest farts of our lives. By week two my energy level was incredible as was my ability to use my mental faculties. We were all quite impressed by the change, and mowed along happily and became contented with these different eating habits. I couldn’t stand eating greasy food after 6 months because it sat heavily in my stomach and made me feel like I wanted to barf. (An older friend, and recent mineral convert, visited around that time and brought with him a bottle of selenium for my mother along with a tablet of copper and something else to break down the mineral but that’s a wild story unto itself.) Seeing this movie brought back old memories of sitting at the table and eating about 2 cups of potatoes and 3 pieces of chicken with some peas on the side all the while wondering why I couldn’t lose much weight even with my hardy exercise schedule. In a bizarre kind of way this is the story of my family in reverse and while I enjoyed ever second of this man’s decline it was something else that captured my attention. A man from a powerful advertising firm, and a main political lobbyist for food companies, spouting what basically went “people should be educated on what to eat and not eat the crap we advertise. It’s not up to us to stop the flow of proliferating crap food in the world, it’s our job to sell the crap food.” I actually laughed thinking about the nefarious web of information about foods and the contradicting information coming from hundreds of sources. Seriously doubting that my family would know this information without one of us being afflicted with diabetes. The mainstream economy of North America seems to rely on the stupidity of common people and spend no small amount of time trying to keep them docile idiots. I sat there looking at that man’s irritating smug face and thinking “hey man, f**k you and every one of you’re a*****e clients,” forging in my mind the idea that not another dime of my money would go to Hershey, Mars, Baskin-Robbins, McDonalds, etc. again (not that they get more than 10 dollars anyway, but I was stilled pissed off). There in lies why this film is so good, it makes you forge an opinion, and that's (to this humble fat man anyway) why everyone should watch it.
- Zatoichi
- **Takeshi Kitano is certainly an acquired taste, creating movies out of static shots and jarring juxtapositions of light comedy entwined with extreme violence in most scenes. Style means everything, plot simply gets in the way, and so he generally isolates storyline into flashbacks or narrative ellipses. Zatoichi doesn’t follow this exact structure, instead moulding this style into something new and incredibly refreshing, resembling of all people Alain Resnais (master of making movies about minutia). The credits roll out and we are, in typical fashion, introduced to Zatoichi (with uncharacteristic platinum blonde hair) sitting on a rock waiting for a group of thugs to make an attempt on his life. The scene explodes into a manic burst of bloody ultra-violence instantly distancing this movie from its feel-good samurai namesake. Takeshi completely hollows out his film, leaving only the generic series storyline intact and then pours into the empty space his own very idiosyncratic vision. Creating scenes of comfortably quiet introspection, observing characters and their environment while layering them with subtle character development. Zatoichi is invited into an elderly woman’s house after carrying her vegetables for her, she offers him a bed for the night to which he playfully giggles and mutters incoherent words under his breath, she stares confidently forward delivering an elegant punch line, “Don’t get any ideas.” An almost silent scene of grisly violence immediately follows the warmth of that previous moment; A perfect cinematic example of the juxtaposition of negative space, gaining autere power from the other. The entire sequence of events follows this simply but incredibly effective conceit until the prerequisite film-ending blood-bath complete with a evocative samurai duel, which in true Scooby Doo fashion features both outcomes. Yet Takeshi even has fun with this by interlacing a dance sequence between sword strikes, which makes very little sense at first but you soon realise he’s creating another set of juxtapositions, this time involving life, death and the choices people make. A theme that is prominent in every previous Zatoichi film, but made crystal clear by Kitano’s great direction. Zatoichi is a magnificent samurai epic in which the death and carnage is shown to be insignificant while human interaction is the epitome of heroism; It’s the directors finest juxtaposition of this excellent film and certainly the most important.
- Very Good
- The Bourne Supremecy
- **Another fine feature chronicling the adventures of Mr. Bourne and another nest of covert intrigue. As Jason sorts through his recovered memories he hits a wall. Luckily nefarious evil-doers help overcome that hurdle and give him plenty of fodder to kick and punch through. A sleek opening hour continues the fast pace of Identity and blazes through several great scenes. Namely a chase through an Indian suburb shot with a jostling intensity, and an internment and eventual escape from an airport. Yet, problems are starting to show on the "spy-thriller" surface. Supremacy has a bruising running time, far to many escape scenes, an misguided relliance on flash-backs, and a riddle of cliches Identity seemed more able to re-interpret or avoid. The second half is riddled with cliches that ache for re-shooting and a serious, almost perilous loss of focus. However the director manages to pull of a great finale.Spoiler: Highlight to viewI am not pleased with the choice to link the loss of Bourne's apparent invincibility with his regained memory. The technique throws the film into a 30 minute tail-spin of pointless back-story and limpid emotional fodder it narrowly recovers from.An intense reprisal of a great character that doesn't bother remaking the first film and if it relies to heavily on cliche, at least they're handled well. It's not as good as it's predecessor, which in my humble opinion is the finest action film of this decade, but it's a worthy follow-up.Spoiler: Highlight to viewAn exciting multi-car chase that stands among the finest in the genre which also contains important character developements for Bourne. The car chase and a touching scene of morality save the film.
- Collateral
- **A better first hour n' a half you aren't likely to see this summer...and Jamie Foxx is excellent. Imagine the suprised and shocked look on my face. However the movie tales off into a stupid chase and incoherant story contrivances. Michael Mann as always remains the master of mood and Tom shines as a completely horrible person. My advice: Buy milk duds, popcorn and a slushie, wait until the 90 minute mark and then start gobbling, it could make the ending better. A nearly great entry.
- Dogville
- **I hated the first 20 minutes of this film, stylistic pretension of this sort is a trifle best left to 2nd rate films made by hacks. The sheer lack of visual ingenuity and any kind of structural complexity of sets approaching even a high-school level is lacking…on purpose! I’ve seen other films that are filmed as a play within a play and Dogville is far less transfixing than a masterpiece like Vanya On 42nd Street. I began thinking that Von Trier, as he is prone to do, had slipped into the realm of a hokey, adolescent disaster. He seemed to peak with the brilliant examination of faith Breaking The Waves and since then had begun a decline so I felt my worries were valid. About the 30 minute mark, although still irritated by the pointless amounts of surrealist gherkin-jerkin’, I began to be slightly swayed. Two reasons 1) John Hurt's consistently astonishing narration that brings this movie untold vivacity and mood. 2) Nicole Kidman gives what I would call one of the 10 finest performances I’ve ever seen, and boy did this potential stinker need it. These two elements bring a much needed emotionality to a project with a standard story containing a telegraphed ending and many obvious cinematic clichés intent on wrenching your feelings from you.
The emotionalism finally emerges through all the avante crap and a real movie struggles to the surface. I can only imagine how great Dogville would’ve been had all the purposeful attempts to remove the a preconceived background and attempting a interpretive style, the purpose of which is apparently to immerse yourself in the story and your mind will fill in what’s missing, been rethought. What is left is a shoddy excuse for cinema saved by the miraculous work of the people around their faltering director. Let’s hope that Lars can pull his head out of his ass on his next project, you can’t get this lucky every time. - Fahrenheit 9/11
- **Here is a wonderful piece of political-based propaganda, detailing a venal dullard using his power to execute one of the most vicious hate crimes in modern memory just because he can’t think of anything better to do. Michael Moore can be proud to have made such a film, it gets in a person’s craw because of it’s single-minded bashing of George Dubbleya Jr. with hateful scorn and scoring heavy body blows with each scene. There is certainly no justification for what America did and Mike uses that (and a liberal use of some facts) as cart blanche to smear his victim. The amount of harsh reviews I read had me prepared for an erroneous film at best, but I saw a great piece of journalism. One-sided, angry, pitching a fit and lashing out in key directions to inflict the largest amount of what the author would want as a desired effect. This is a really well made film no matter if you hate the fact that it’s hardly a documentary. I could hardly detail the plot since the title makes it pretty obvious to the public, and who hasn’t heard already anyway. The United States elected a person of suspect values and also suspect intelligence (probably due to his suspect values), it’s not the first time and probably won’t be the last, but he also turned out to be spoiled sleazy and quite dangerous. But lets not start heaving around the mud, here’s my contribution to any argument, the perfect face, some philosophers also say that facial symmetry denotes a healthy stable person. You can match it up to a picture of GBJR and screams of “woohoo” will emanate from all the fun you’re having.
On Sept. 11 I woke up out of a dead sleep and walked to the living room and turned on the TV, it was the Talk network (which I had muted), and sat there for about 10 minutes when the program was interrupted. I saw on my TV a jet crashing into a gigantic skyscraper, for 10 minutes I sat there dazed. That first plane is an image etched in my brain. I saw it 5 more times and then the second plane hit. I could feel the hair standing up all over my body and a raw crackling energy in the air. I went and told my sister and we sat in front of the TV for 2 hours as if the world had stopped dead in its tracks. The ensuing parade of political ineptness and eventual war on Iraq were soul-depleting events of complete idiocy. I’m fully aware of this and don’t need the facts laid out in a slow, methodical and completely boring way. Fahrenheit 9/11 is an important film because of the vitriol and sarcasm exuding from every scene. Somebody needed to get his or her hands dirty and do a little good ole rabblerousing and I for one would like to shake Mike’s “socialist weasel” hand. - Hellboy
- Open Water
- **Shot digitally and expertly edited this movie proves to be a tight little shocker. A married couple take time off from their busy lives to go scuba-diving, tense underwater soap opera ensues. Just kidding...this is a sweet little suspenser with big budget aspirations. This film manages to be the best horror movie going and a true mind-humper in the summer-movie glut of stupidity. Good show. No really.
- Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...And Spring
- **Visually sumptuous tale of a buddhist monk, his protege and their lives on a tiny floating monastery. The film is blisteringly emotional and an incredible feast for your eyes and mind. In the best scenes the film is immaculate, as fantastic and beautiful as its setting. Yet it takes forays into maudlin story-telling that seems trite. These scenes are speckled throughout the length of the film and cause a lag of sorts in an otherwise incredible film. The fact is however, these trifles are far out-weighed by incredible scenes which I will not reveal since you should experience them for yourself.
- Team America: World Police
- **Tonight I went to see "Team America" for the simple reason that the South Park duo had created another film. A film for die-hard fans looking to escape daintily paced period pieces and watch a movie with balls. I was expecting a revolting film and I got a film that would make any person with weaker constitutions barf. What I wasn’t expecting was a rather sly understanding of world politics. This American super group demolish about 5 landmarks and 2 of the seven wonders in an attempt to annihilate terrorists. Terrorists who are monstrously lampooned with every generic ethnic trait possible and The Screen Actors Guild gets hit hard as well. In fact everyone is given the shaft in this film, including Michael Moore who is portrayed in a very unbecoming way. The sly digs are of course tempered with every action movie cliché imaginable and even a gratuitously graphic puppet sex scene that had the theatre laughing out loud as well as some riotous songs; the ever popular “America, F**k Yeah” and my personal favourite “Pearl Harbour Sucked and I Miss You”. The main joke of course starts to wear thin after the first hour, there’s only so much vicious satire that can be consumed by a human being, yet the film rejuvenates itself with some really incredible (and foul) humour. What this involves I can scarcely say without ruining the best parts of the film. I’ll only tell you that it involves a soliloquy so foul it’d make Larry Flynt blush, two men bonding in an unusual way and an interesting use of puppet mutilation. The fact that almost no one with a strong moral centre could even stomach such an outrageous movie only proves that Trey & Matt have hit a nerve. This is the film self-righteous blow-hards have been trying to make for years…they just didn’t know it.
- Good
- Closer
- **Mike Nichols establishes good command of his material and gently guides his characters in their erratic personal lives as they inflict pain on each other by mimicking love. Intelligent writing and a great cast give this adaptation more depth than the material really deserves. This thin, trite slice of life (four lives) is predictable and frequently using narrative ellipses to circumvent regular "cruel people in relationships" scenes effectively tells the story as a series of crisis aftermath. The storyline skips through various time-frames with single cuts which can be slightly confusing for the viewer, but I think it’s the only way the people involved could mount much tension with this light-weight material whose frank sexual discussions aren’t quite as shocking as most people would like you to believe. Plus, employing narrative ellipse only seems to avoid any kind of catharsis in favour of scenes of personal embarrassment and easy answers. The saving grace is the excellent performances by four actors who have great chemistry who pack more information in their movements and looks than the script could possibly impart.
- Garden State
- **Admirably sweet and genuinely funny film that seems to descend into contrivances from the centre on. An endearing, lightweight film geared towards early 20's personal introspection, I'm getting too old to ardently enjoy this kind of film anymore.
- Intolerable Cruelty
- **A very funny film daring to go into new realms of real-world fantasy. The actors are either very good, or incredibly bad since they spark the film and make it as funny as it is. The Coens strike again, and while it's not as good as previous efforts, it sure is darn entertaining.
- Man On Fire
- **Denzel Washington delivers a magnificent performance, that will no doubt be snubbed at the 2004 Oscars, bristling with enigmatic power and strength. Tony Scott wraps his actor inside a standard revenge storyline that he masterfully directs with precision and intensity. Crissie is a former assassin racked with guilt and seeking to drown it in liquor offered a job protecting a businessman’s daughter. She slowly loosens up the hardened killer before being kidnapped and killed unleashing a blitzkrieg of violence and revenge. The story matters very little, taking cues from Point Blank among others and fashioning a delineated, easily traversed path. Which allows Scott to play with camera, lighting, editing and create a plethora of astonishing visuals. The script lacks the definition of the visuals yet remains an effective piece of minimalist writing that is seldom tainted with garish one-liners; notably the “His art is death, he’s about the paint his masterpiece.” An intelligent actioner I enjoyed far more than I expected from the dubious opening section; it’s a real potboiler.
- The Passion Of The Christ
- **From other listologist's descriptions I expected a much bloodier, confused film than what I saw. A meditative psychological horror movie about suffering, more interested in what happened to Jesus than the person himself, which I think alienated a lot of viewers expecting something of a disposition on Jesus. But why would you expect such a film made by Mel Gibson whose Braveheart is much the same film in a different setting, and far more bloody I may add. What was surprisingly lacking was any tiptoeing around Jesus as martyr as Mel bludgeons the viewer with an endless shots of his abuse at the hands of lewd, disgusting, and most importantly godless people. I understand his point of view, how could you doubt the magnificence of a man who could cure blind people, lepers, etc. not to mention prognosticate the future with great accuracy without being a person of weak morality and contempt for anything that is righteous or good. As such any characterization Mel foists upon his blasphemers seems permitted, even justified. Which leads me to the 90 minutes of brutal torture that makes up the core of the film and the reason why it’s so controversial. Mel’s voracious camera movements and decisions to shoot exploitative shots, such as the gratuitous shot of a cat-of-nine-tails ripping out hunks of flesh from Caveziel from an exaggerated angle are entirely cinematic. As is the slow motion angled shots of a bloody Jesus falling to the ground or a crowd of soldiers being bashed about in moonlight. Thrilling the viewer with carnage and brutality and probably shocking the shorts right off conservative people right and left. They do have a purpose however as well as great showmanship. I will explain, imagine this film detailed a brutal flogging as realistically as possible and then followed it with a static shot of a man hauling a cross up a hill an then drearily framed shots of Caveziel on the cross and looking bloodied. It’s drab and sadly, in current culture, not enough to truly impress upon people the violence and suffering because of desensitization of such images. Instead he makes a bloody, brutal, anarchic epic to shed a little Hollywood light on an important moment in human history. In this way he’s made an absorbing film and as we all know films aren’t supposed to be a recreation of reality. Mel however does make some severe mistakes, the female Satan being the crowning fault. She disturbs the flow of the film and basically makes little sense unless you’ve seen Bunuel’s “Simon Of The Desert” in which a haggard, droopy-boobed woman (Satan) stands naked in front of Simon’s pillar casting aspersions upon him. It is however true that Bunuel was a master of satire, and Gibson is a student of garish spectacle, hence his attempts fail…miserably. Mel also gives Caveziel the thankless task of playing an almost silent open wound for half of the film, which alienates the viewer from him and his motivations. Another serious fault would be the awkward and horrendously obvious music that draws attention from important scenes; it’s a hideous score. In my opinion
Passion Of The Christ
is a potentially great film hindered by liberal editing and fractured story-telling that drains some of the intensity out; I still liked it though. - To Be And To Have
- **A year spent in a country pre-school located in France is the source of many fascinating scenes of children learning, crying, fighting and every other conceivable example of toddler-hood and their understanding, attentive teacher. A dramatically anaemic idea turns into many enchanting moments of febrile cinema. The film exacts a kind of hypnotic allure on the viewer promising a great revelation with each minute, and delivers in most unusual ways as you watch and wait.
- Guilty Pleasures
- Alien Vs. Predator
- **Mucho silly suspencer that is the wet dream of every alien fanboy. Suprisingly the original story is varily interesting, and unsuprisingly the direction is grotesque and limited. No blood and guts either to merrit the 14a rating and nothing new and cool for the child in us all. The fight scenes between aliens and predators are the highlight and the reason it's landing in the guilty pleasures. As for the rest of the film, well, you could bring a book and a flashlight I suppose. Spoiler: Highlight to viewOn a side-note, the human characters bite the biscuit suprisingly fast.
- The Chronicles Of Riddick
- **Riddick comes back for more saber slashing and bad-guy bandying giving Vin Diesel the chance to deliver his finest wooden performance ever (I didn’t think it was possible either). He also gets to delivers lines like “It’s been a long time since I’ve smelt beautiful” with a straight face (maybe his performance isn’t so bad after all) and muscles a rippling. The story is anemic, the script is laughable, the plot is a mine-field of stupidity, and the acting is a putrid festering sore about to pop (metaphorically of course). It’s a grandly dumb action specatacle AND it’s got f****n’ Judi Dench for cred (how did they manage that). With all that I still couldn’t help but like this loud, obnoxious, violent, pointless and dumb block of cheese, that’s Riddick-ulous (snicker).
- Average
- Along Came Polly
- Club Dread
- **A mixture of spontaneous, sly jokes and pointless absurdity pokes fun at slasher films but manages the best material when simply making fun of it’s characters. A masseuse who understands every pressure point known to man, a neurotic rasta man, etc. All the fun seems to come between the deaths, a pretzel having sex with a watermelon.for example, or perhaps hearing Bill Paxton recite some hideous horny sea-shanties. Sadly the films drifts away from what’s working towards the end and the charm seems to fade, delivering an ending that trails into pointless puns we’ve all seen in some other slasher movie spoof. Finally a movie where you can say “there was just too much story for my taste.”
- Coffee & Cigarettes
- **Boring, long and only ocassionally entertaining. It just made me real tired for about 80 minutes and not even Bill Murray could change my mind...that's pretty bad. Blah!
- Dawn Of The Dead
- **Seeing The Butterfly Effect has made me rethink this film. Maybe I was a tad harsh on first watch.
- Dreck
- Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed
- **Brigette Almost Snaps would be a better title for a sequel with upgraded F/X and dumber scares. Brigette has somehow become infected and now in true addict fashion shoots up her munkshood like it’s…well…a drug. She’s incarcerated in a drug outreach program with prerequisite abandoned basement, horny intern and deluded head counsellor; basically she’s fallen into the hands of nefarious movie cliché agents who seek to suck the life out of this movie. It goes where you think it’s gonna go and ends with a twist ending that’s not very twisty…but thinks it is. The film is “helped” by two things; E. Perkins who gives another anxious turn as Brigette and a spooky death scene near the beginning in which a librarian is pulled screaming from a car to be devoured and mutilated. Take that you mercillous librarians everywhere. Brett Sullivan replaces John Fawcett as director and sucks every bit of potential fun like a king-size director party-pooper. This series should have ended with Ginger Snaps, but then it wouldn’t have been a series…would it.
- House Of Flying Daggers
- **The worst occurrence that can happen during a dramatic film is the need to snicker, or even worse, to laugh out loud at moments of stupendous idiocy. I did both while watching this hammy clunker…often. The film seems to strain for any story continuity and that’s during the opportune times when anything does make sense. Yimou layers his film in lavish colours, beautiful clothing and impressive first few action scenes before the plot unwinds into utter confusion and reveals a dishevelled, predictable plot that squanders every piece of this films visual beauty. Recreating the same scene in variations until the “chase-fight-get cornered-saved by flying daggers” scene becomes an inane dogma. The love story becomes the only redeeming factor of this ridiculous film and that too is squandered by the single worst ending I’ve seen this year. The inept use of over-dramatics coupled with a hilarious group of staggering imbeciles had me laughing out loud in the theatre. I couldn’t help it, the over-wrought dumbness of this film finally brought up a hearty guffaw. I saw this film Christmas Day, which is bad enough, but I came with my adorable mother and sister short woman combo. Their reactions probably tell more about this film than mine. My mother, during the finale, finally uttered “good grief, it’s a bunch of staggerers” after limiting her disgust to a series of snickers and inaudible grunts. My sister had been blubbering, obviously caught up in the sad love story later said “That film was really bad, I’m so embarrassed that it made me cry.” We drove home discussing this massively hailed film, the contents of which I shall keep to myself, sufficed to say our unanimous conclusion was. “The title should’ve been ‘House Of Flying Dumbness’!”
- Taking Lives
- **Ridiculous, awful, pretentious and idiotic cut and paste thriller filled with twists that don’t make any sense. The plot depends on characters acting totally out of character and/or acting with stupefying motivations. One such scene involves Kiefer Sutherland throwing a man through a window to make his daring escape for (as we find out later) no reason that makes any sense. It’s garbage plotting used to send the viewer mixed signals because the writer obviously couldn’t think of a clever enough story line. The performances are half-decent but manage never to match with other actors, and the casting choices are horrendous as no one has chemistry with anyone else in the entire film. Angelina Jolie is wasted in a clever role that during the start of the film seems enigmatic and interesting; eventually any originality is sucked out of her leaving the standard issue serial killer hunter. Apparently in an effort to match the lead the entire film turns into a generic mess that piddles out a crap ending. It’s irritating that films this shitty get made, but that goes double when the director, whose first feature was The Salton Sea, ushers up this garbage.
- Resident Evil: Apocalypse
- **Badly paced, moronic dork-fest which dismisses such minor film-making techniques as screen-writing and direction and acting in favor of special effects and competent camerawork. Afterall, who wants movies to make sense when it can look good and be loud and shiny?
- Van Helsing
**You know you’re watching a bad movie when…
- Unbeknownst to you the first 30 minutes are the best you’re going to see.
- After the hour mark characters start explaining everything in the hopes that the confusing, infantile plot will make sense, although it would make sense to a Spanish rodent from the desert.
- The actors seem vaguely ashamed of themselves onscreen.
- Your best character is in the film for 20 minutes.
- Impossibly vague plot points are introduced without any foreshadowing, for example, “You’re in a room where a gigantic map hangs on the wall with a torn edge that looks a lot like a piece of manuscript that says open the door.” With all this the characters seem oblivious until which time the story needs an action finale…coincidence? I think not.
- Dracula looks like a deformed ken doll.
- The best thing about the film remains a supporting actress playing a vampire bride’s divine breasts.
- The finale reminds you that being able to see what’s going on is better than just knowing what’s going on.
- The post-finale wrap-up contains the kind of gag-worthy schmaltz that astounds even in a PG-13 film.
- You have the realization that trying to cram too much plot into the last hour of a film will turn it to crap Jell-O, all wiggly and smelly and just downright unpleasant.
- The Big Stink
- The Butterfly Effect
- **An interesting plotline foiled by bad film-making, average performances and a complete lack of humour. This movie is just an extremely dumb and pretentious, not to mention idiotic Donnie Darko rip-off. To explain my rant I need only relate the last scenes of this dreadful film (and you should probably read this before you watch this crap) Psuedo-intellectual, harsh and pointless garbage of this kind is rare. The one saving grace is a fat goth dude who has tons of sex. Woohoo.Spoiler: Highlight to viewour beloved main character manipulates time to get back into his mother's womb before birth to strangle his own baby ass. Yes, this is the first time I have seen fetus suicide and hopefully the last.
- Vampires Vs. Zombies
- **My f****n' goodness is this movie bad, beating other movies by leaps and bounds as the NEW worst film I've ever seen, you'll probably ever see if you venture to watch and certainly the worst waste of celluloid in history. It has the production design of a student film, the acting of a 3rd Grade theatre production and the special effects of...well...what f/x? The director has decided to make a stylistically adventurous film in the Tarantino mould, i.e. jumbling storyline as well as timeline. The effect of his daring style however is so f****n' bad and confusing it doesn't really matter and definitely doesn't work on any level. I can't believe my eyes aren't bleeding. This gigantic piece of CRAP is so astonishingly inept it merits a new heading such as Explosive Burning Diarrhea but that would just be disgusting; kind of like this movie.
Cloned From:
Regarding Bourne Identity as the "finest action film of the decade", agreed!
Glad someone's got my back J. Solidarity is a wonderful thing.
T'ho
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The only one of these I've seen as of this date is The Butterfly Effect and I agree it isn't very uplifting. Curiously, I don't remember it ending that way. Probably wasn't paying full attention by then.
You're lucky Bert. The film had me wishing I'd turned it off, but I thought What's gonna happen at the end. If you look closely you can see his baby hand grabbing the ambilacle (bad spelling) cord and wrapping it around his baby neck. I can't believe it wasn't pulled by the censors. Seriously. What a revolting mass of dimness. If I even stopped one person from watching it, my job here is done.
What did you think was happening?
T'ho
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Well, I guess I thought the guy finally lucked out and created a reality in which he and the girl grew up to a happy adulthood, though never meeting as adults. Are you sure it wasn't the abusive stepfather who fetuscided? Ah, who cares anyway?
Yes definately too much debate about this funky film.
T'ho
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Stooky! Welcome back!! Where you been?
I have moved 500 Miles to the big city, well a small big city anyway. They're even showing Hero in the theatre here...woohoo. I still haven't got my computer up and running yet so I'm using library internet yet I am still happy.
How's it going with U J?
Ho
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Hope the move went well! Life here is good. Looking forward to your full return (unless you get addicted to a computer-free lifestyle :-).
Without TV and the almighty computer I've lost about 50 pounds. A strong argument for such a lifestyle, but then I'd be without the joys of listology. :?) Bring on the fat baby.
T'ho
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Thanks for the great Super Size Me review! I find I really enjoy personal commentary as much (or more, sometimes) than more objective, removed reviews.
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I'm of much the same opinion. I'm a pretty bad reviewer basically because I can tell you a reason a film went wrong and where the problem spots are, but i'd rather write about how the film affected me. Coming from a long line of great story-tellers I'm more suited to the long-winded out of context type reviews anyway.
T'ho
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I can't really express how much I agree with and love your comments on Dogville.
Thanks...I can't really imagine the necessity of this style in an art-form that's 60-80% visual. Yet I've seen a film that had this same idea, only amplified it 100%. In 1992 a Director named Derek Jarman after struggling with his eye-sight went blind. He made a film called "Blue" in 1993, whose visuals consist of the color blue for 100 minutes as he duscusses his life, different afflictions, etc. I thought it was amazing because it did in fact achieve what this movie only attempted. My mind starting placing visual representation to his stories, I ended up lying on the floor with my eyes closed in a slightly meditative state. It was deep.
Anywho, cheers Luke.
T'ho
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It seems like any paragraph I read anywhere for anything ends up adding another film to my already insurmountable 'to see' list.
lol
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In case anyone was wondering where I was, the answer is located here, http://www3.telus.net/eye_and_eargasms/
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Our Man on Fire reviews are quite similar, glad you liked it! And thanks for making note of that "masterpiece" line. Gah, it makes me cringe just sitting here thinking about it. Otherwise though, what a watchable surprise that movie turned out to be, huh?
Last summer a friend told me he'd seen a preview of this film and loved it, I of course doubted his veracity given that Tony Scott had directed it, but after reading your review I thought I've give it a watch. I was actually suprised by what he managed to do with the simple storyline by using amazing visual ideas. I especially liked the overlaying of dialogue in the dramatic scenes which ,rather suprisingly, didn't seem pretentious at all. And the capper is the great one liner "I wish you had more time" capping a grim and blackly humorous scene.
T'ho
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Ouch. Of course it pains me to see a Zhang Yimou movie filed under "dreck", but yours is not the first such review I've seen (although it might go the furthest in denouncing it unequivocally). Definitely a polarizing movie, but still one I'm looking forward to seeing in theaters, if it ever opens near me.
I can understand why people enjoy it so much, almost every scene is stunningly beautiful and Yimou's knack for creating daring visuals is in full display. What I don't understand is how anyone could take it seriously, or not be laughing or snickering by the end, it's that ridiculous. I'll have to wait for your review.
T'ho
as for van helsing... how about: taking every legendary character in the book and just making up histories and powers for them to have...
me and my bro were the only two people in the theatre laughing our asses off when amongst a bunch of generic looking werewolves, males and females alike... hugh jackman turned into a werewolf that looked just like a hairy hugh jackman.
possibly the worst film i've ever seen.
He did look like hugh Jackman. That's hilarious!
The decision must have been made after the producer realized dracula looked like a big blue turd.
At this point I keep confusing Van Helsing with League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen when talking about the film. It must be the crap special effects by the same company that have me confused.
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Open Water sucked.
I asked for my money back.
How can it possibly be considered an amazing horror movie, when nothing actually happens? It's all suspense leading up to... nothing.
Complete garbage.