True Shaving Stories of Terror and Horror.

Everything is going just like the ad says. The happy men in the commercial are gliding their micro screen triple edge aloe enhanced cutting edge along, as the first blade gently pulls the whisker out, and the last blade trims it neatly below the surface. Dead skin cells are removed in a remarkable exfoliating process. Suddenly, you find yourself in the scene from Poltergeist when the ghostologist pulls his face apart in the bathroom mirror. You've nicked.

Why is it, as advanced as we are in shaving technology, there is one thing that harkens to the dark ages. I mean, we have triple edge razors, quadruple edge razors in disposable and refillable variaties, and even razors sold from vending machines. We have shaving cream, shaving soap, shaving gel, foaming shaving gel and shaving cream hot lather machines. We have rotary electric razors with electric beard trimmers. We have micro screen electric razors. We have cordless varieties of all the electrics. Rechargeable some, others are now battery operated. Some micro screens rival the triple edge disposable systems in price. You can spend a small fortune in shaving technology or as little as a quarter. In fact, my gym has a rack of free disposable razors.

But.

The most advanced system we have for nicks is toilet paper (TP). Nothing beats it. Even Kleenex brand facial tissues don't, or their other brand equivalents. When the nick clots, the TP often falls off on its own. It is such a staple in men's routine, that even if you walk in the office with a red dotted piece of TP on your face, no one will bat an eye, and just touch their face to where it is, you'll remove it, and nothing more need be said.

Perhaps the brain trust in Neenah Wisconsin will come up with "TP handy pacs". They would be tiny little toilet paper packs, the size of a Listerine breath strip. In a dispenser like pop up Post-It brand sticky notes. It could reside next to the sink for those shaving moments, where the blade cut too close, or that slight rise was less slight than a speed bump.

I mean, who wants to go digging around in their toilet area to clean a wound? For goodness sake, any idea what gets on your hand during the wiping process? Sure we all wash our hands afterward, but how many of us think to wash after each pass? Sure I may be somewhat OCd, but not to that extreme. That is why I kept the "D" lowercase. I think I am onto something. I wonder if Kimberly Clark is looking for a trophy inventor husband? She has to be about 132 now. But it may be the only way I can get credit for my idea. Marry the boss.

*The author, Kevin Fillips, resides in Lexington Kentucky and has been shaving since 1979. His first whisker grew in 1977, a single curly one on his chinny chin chin. His Patent Attorney is "the man" the one on TV with the loud rediculous commercials and the catchy phone number. No wonder he has to resort to copyrights to protect his ideas.
© 2004 Kevin Fillips