YTMND Soundtracks

You’re the man now, dog. It’s a user-submission based website that basically pairs up an image or short video with a repeating sound file. Occasionally they can get quite popular. I’ve probably only viewed 3 YTMND pages in my life, but it didn’t stop me from grabbing all the soundtrack albums they’ve ‘released’ (through BitTorrent). They are really some of the most random assortments of music around – they jump from foreign TV themes to US #1 hit fodder to overblown soundtrack compositions quickly. Basically, if it was ever an internet fad, you’ll probably find it on one of these collections. Generally they are tough to listen to cover to cover, but they do usually feature a few diamonds in the rough and are pretty damn fun to listen to. Most of the songs on these collections are pretty stupid, but sometimes in a good way. Rather than give my usual star grade to these releases (which wouldn’t make much sense), I decided to give them letter grades on a track-by-track basis. Let’s go:

YTMND Soundtrack – Volume 1
Has Sean Connery on the cover.

Tube & Berger – “Straight Ahead”: Boring minimal trance music. Runs 7 minutes but feels like 15. Actually has a nice groove but goes absolutely nowhere. Lots of high pitched synth noises. Must be popular in Germany. Grade: C

Eric Prydz – “Call on Me”: I could have sworn this guy was French, but Sweden is not far off. This was a huge club hit that mixed well into other songs but was really repetitive despite a short running time. Kinda like the “funk soul brother” tune, but even more in-your-face. It does have a great hook (although I’m sure this was sampled) and a fantastic pulsating beat. Grade: A-

Snoop Dogg – “Drop it Like it’s Hot”: Really dumb, but also really inescapable. In a way self-parodying, although that’s moot since it’s ridiculously overplayed. Sticks in your head and has a neat campy synth line. I can’t hate it. Grade: B-

Baltimora – “Tarzan Boy”: I think they were going for a big gay 80’s hit here, but maaan that’s one obnoxious hook. It does induce a smile though. Grade: C

The Simpsons – “Dr. Zaius”: If you haven’t seen the classic Simpsons since you were a kid, it may be a good time to rewatch those episodes – it’s downright amazing how they were able to inject humor into nearly EVERY line of dialogue, and most of the humor grows on you over repeat viewings. Even the musical numbers were fantastic. “I hate every monkey I see/from chimpan-A to chimpanzee”. Grade: A-

Heather Dale – “This Endris Night”: This is music for a Renaissance Faire, with lots of jangly banjos, primitive percussion, and wood instruments. Not bad as a folky tune, but it’s obnoxious. Grade: C

Darius Rucker – “Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch”: Darius is a real sport – when this Burger King commercial came out, Hootie and the Blowfish had went from having one of the biggest albums of the 90’s to a laughingstock that was playing towns with less than 40,000 people (they did, indeed, come to my hometown of Manitowoc). This commercial’s over-the-top campiness did recognize its own ridiculousness, and made enough of a spectacle to briefly put Darius back in the spotlight for a short while. Yep, his biggest solo hit was about a chicken sandwich. Grade: B

O-Zone – “Dragostea din Tei”: Yeah, this is the “Numa Numa” song. I almost have to downgrade it because not only is it horrible, it’s also overexposed since that “Live Your Life” song with Rihanna came out. Just think – a fat kid on the internet directly influenced one of the most inescapable pop hits on the decade. This is a weird world we live in. Grade: C-

WWE – “Muhammad Hassan”: I don’t remember much of this obscure Arabic wrestler, but man is his theme song boring. Grade: D+

Marko Polo – “Speedy Speed Boy”: I can’t figure out if this song would be more popular in Europe or Asia. It’s like Eurodance combined with power pop. It brings a smile to your face. Ridiculously hokey. There are some really, really bright and shiny synth noises here. I wouldn’t mind hearing it again. Grade: B-

Rx – “Who’s the Nigga”: Okay, I actually have this album. It’s basically a guy who painstakingly mashed up a ton of samples of George W. Bush speeches in order to make him say funny things and cover famous songs like “White Lines” and “Imagine”. Really well done, but musically it’s pretty thin. Grade: B

Television Theme Songs – “The Price is Right”: It’s weird listening to this without Bob barking all over it, but hearing it now, I forgot just how well-orchestrated and catchy it was. Every game show theme needs to start here as a reference. Grade: A

Television Theme Songs – “Meet the Flintstones”: Another carefully arranged TV theme. This show sounds very very old. Grade: B

Franz Ferdinand – “Take Me Out”: So this was the band that was supposed to bring back XTC-style power pop? I like the song enough that I ought to get the full album, and I respect their ability to get a song with such a pronounced time change on the airwaves. I’m undecided on the group, but I have to admit this is a good tune. Grade: B+

Sharon – “I’m in the Mood for Dancing”: Man, YTMND sure loves its Eurotrash, doesn’t it? This is basically a double-speed disco tune with really cheesy synth noises. The best part of the song is that it’s only a minute and a half. Barf. Grade: D+

Television Theme Songs – “German Super Mario Bros.”: If “Do the Mario” wasn’t goofy enough, we get to hear it in German. Like, pissed-off German. One of my favorite tracks to put in the ‘utterly bizarre’ column. Grade: A-

Liam Lynch – “The United States of Whatever”: Who would think that Liam Lynch would turn one of his Sifl & Olly tunes into a solo hit? Even after the term “whatever” already made the crossover from valley girl-speak to common vernacular? I was glad to see this become a niche hit, but I wish he would team up with Crocco to write a few more tunes. Come back, Olly! Grade: B

MC Hammer – “U Can’t Touch This”: Does it get any better than this? I mean, “Superfreak” had a killer groove already, and pretty much every one of Hammer’s lines here is classic. I don’t care what anyone says. This is one of the greatest rap songs ever made. More than 15 years later it's still on the "do not skip" list at a party. Grade: A+

The Immortals – “Mortal Kombat (Theme I)”: Yeah, it’s the theme you all know and love, a theme that’s dated itself so badly that even fewer people take it seriously now than did when it was first released. Still a pretty badass tune to throw on a party mix CD. Grade: B

YTMND Soundtrack – Volume 2
Has Milton (from Office Space) on the cover.

Craig Armstrong – “Escape”: Bombastic orchestral film music with modern electronic beats plastered in halfway through. Has a huge choir. Sounds cool at a loud volume but the composition itself is pretty weak. Grade: C-

Daft Punk – “Harder Faster Better Stronger”: This song is like, the holy grail of vocoder manipulation, and has taken on a second life lately. Sure, it’s heavy funk-groove was entirely sampled, but it’s the vocal acrobatics and circular lyrics that make the song worth listening to. They bend pitch so much that they sound like they’re being manipulated through guitar shredding Frampton-style. I’ve heard it like a million times, but it’s good. Grade: A-

El Mudo – “Macarron Chacarron”: I was friends with all sorts of Latin people in school through the International Club (thanks to a Danish roommate), which meant hearing lots of reggaeton music. It’s a huge genre in places like Spain, Mexico, and Ecuador, despite the fact that every damn song has the same beat. “Chacarron” (which I’ve been told was actually played in clubs frequently in Mexico) is a summarization of the whole genre. Of course, the reason that it’s here is because of the hilarious mumbled vocals, which apparently was done as a placeholder, but kept in the end. That actually makes it even more funny; it means that these vocals were supposed to be nothing more than what a generic reggaeton song was supposed to sound like. Plus, it samples “The Breaks”. You get good marks for that alone. Grade: B+

Blumchen – “Heut Ist Mein Tag”: Eurotrash, not even catchy Eurotrash, with a melody that’s as generic and forgettable as it is obnoxious. It’s weird to say this but musically, Scooter has this outclassed by a mile. Yeah, Scooter. Grade: D

The MDP – “What is Love? – Goth Version”: Yep, someone really did do a darkwave version of the Night at the Roxbury classic. And it kinda works too. The vocals are a little grating, but I think this is actually a pretty neat effort, and I really do not like this genre. Grade: B

Yu Miyake, etc. – “Katamari on the Rocks”: From the game Katamari Damacy. There’s like a half-dozen hooks here, all catchy as sin, with an arrangement that combines big band brass, soulful backing vocals, and chiptune rhythms all in the same song. It’s bombastic and just off-kilter enough to make you want to listen on repeat. I’ll never get this song out of my head. It really stays with you that long. Just great stuff – I have the Katamari Fortissimo Damacy album and can say it’s probably (in my limited knowledge) the best video game soundtrack of all time. Grade: A+

DarkMateria – “Picard Song”: Yeah, Patrick Stewart is awesome, but do you really want to hear him over lifeless techno beats? Give ‘em credit for trying, but how could you hear this more than once? Grade: C

Biz Markie – “Just a Friend”: “I asked her her name and she said ‘blah blah blah’” I was a kid when this song was just hitting it big – and it’s one of those songs that’s so memorable and fun that it can take on a second life just because it was in a commercial (as it has now, 18 years since its original release). It’s still funny. Gotta love it. Grade: A-

Television Theme Songs – “Finnish Ducktales”: Did you forget how catchy the Ducktales theme was? Well…not anymore! Yeah, the foreign language version is just as bizarre, but still buries itself into your skull. Great job. Grade: A-

The Immortals – “Mortal Kombat (Encounter the Ultimate)”: A faster and slightly more modern version of the original, except this one references all the MK Ultimate characters too. Kinda lowers the camp value, and that’s not a good thing. Grade: B-

Sonic the Hedgehog – “Sonic Sez”: Not a song…it’s a Sonic PSA about kids being molested. Really. I’ve heard this cut up into some pretty funny stuff…look up “Frustrated Sonic Insults the Kids”. Grade: ????

Television Theme Songs – “Bill Nye the Science Guy”: I remember this one. I didn’t like it - it’s like every bad stadium techno jam rolled into 30 seconds. Grade: C

Joe Esposito – “You’re the Best”: Because you’re the best…around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down! I thought the Rocky theme was pretty much first rate when it came to campy montage tunes, but this one does have that unintentional, hard-to-pin down comedy value to it. Perhaps it's thanks to the weird amounts of reverb. Grade: C+

Television Theme Songs – “Yu-Gi-Oh”: The first thing you need to know about the Yu-Gi-Oh theme – it’s 3 and a half minutes long. And it features everything from funk bass to sweeping orchestral moves to harsh industrial drums to cut up vocal samples. “It’s time to….du-du-du-du-dudududududududu-duel!!” So extreme, it couldn’t fit in 30 seconds. Or a minute. Or two minutes. This song raises my blood pressure. Grade: C

Linkin Park – “Crawling”: Hands down, the best song Linkin Park ever did. Grade: D-

Simple Plan – “Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me?)”: I always thought “Bad Day” was funny in a “how could anyone take this seriously” kind of way, but this simplistic piano-and-string ballad could move even the most stoic of fat 13-year old girls to tears. What’s a better lyric – “Everybody’s screaming…I try to make a sound but no one hears me..I’m slipping off the edge, I’m hanging by a thread” or “I’m sick of this life, I just wanna scream, how could this happen to me?” Soundtrack to a junior prom night spent alone, ending in uninspired suicide. Grade: F

Gunther and the Sunshine Girls – “Ding Dong Song (You Touch My Tra-La-La)”: I’m beginning to think any asinine tune with some kind of not-veiled-at-all penis reference can be considered ‘hilarious’ by the internet crowd. You know, not "real" hilarious, but like "ironically, this is kinda good". It does contain one hilarious line – “I’m just looking for some *beep*”. There’s not one word that makes grammatical sense in the context of this song there that couldn’t be said in a PG movie. Even Kid Rock used the “intentional censorship” thing better. KID ROCK! Grade: C-

Television Theme Songs – “Go Go Power Rangers”: Four and a half minutes?? Really? Is it just me or did Dragonforce model their entire careers off this tune? This is more intense than the Yu-Gi-Oh song. Catchier, too. "They know the fate of the world is in their hands/They know to only use their weapons for defense". I guess I can give it partial credit. Grade: B-

YMTND Soundtrack – Volume 3
Has that damn owl on the cover

Europe – “The Final Countdown”: How seriously can we take this song in a post-Arrested Development world? How seriously could it have been taken on its release? Like, it’s even wearing out its humor value. That’s bad. Grade: C

Three 6 Mafia – “Ridin’ Spinners” (Feat. Lil’ Flip): It’s slightly more intelligent than “This Is Why I’m Hot”, although I find the best thing about this track to be the random seagull noises that one of the guys seems to be making. “They owe me money so I BRAWWWK!!!” Grade: C

a-ha – “Take On Me”: I remember Bill Simmons once making a case that this was the 80’s “time capsule” song – and he’s right. Even if you hate New Wave, you know almost every word to this song. It’s dated in all the right ways and its video is classic. Grade: A+

Dragonforce – “Fury of the Storm”: I think everyone goes through a Dragonforce phase – you know, the phase between “this is insanely awesome” to “do they do anything else”? I have one friend who still swears by this group, saying that they have ridiculous talent at all positions and their complex compositions are done with painstaking detail. Then he said something I’ll never forget – “look, I’m a music major, so I know – this is good music”. Guess I really had no idea! All I listen for is a part during the chorus where the backup singer sings something that sounds an awful lot like “taaake meeee hooooome!” from the a-ha song! That’s what you get for listening to them both in a row. Grade: C+

Gwen Stefani – “Hollaback Girl”: This may be one of the most mocked pop songs in recent memory, and is so ridiculously vapid that it’s hard not to like a little. It’s a dumber version of Toni Basil’s “Mickey”, and that in itself is quite an accomplishment. Although I liked it a lot better when I thought she was singing “the shit in bananas”. In fact, nearly all the lyrics in this song talk about her shit. The radio edit of this song is ridiculous. Grade: C-

Boots Randolph – “Yakety Sax”: A.K.A. the Benny Hill theme. Did you ever think this would make a comeback? Grade: B-

Edwin van Santen – “Axel F”: This is a chiptune version of Faltermeyer’s classic, and it just begs the question – why? What does an already primitive-sounding electronic instrumental gain by becoming even more primitive? The original is good. Grade: C+

Ludacris – “Move Bitch”: Another mind-numbingly repetitive hip-hop song, this time without any redeeming qualities. Remember – this paved the way for “Crank Dat”. Which is alright. But I can never hear this song again. Grade: D

Coq Roq – “Bob Your Head”: A short, riff-filled punk tune. I can only imagine what this was used for. Not very good, but the sub-2 minute running time helps a lot. Grade: C+

Quad City DJ’s – “Space Jam”: Like everyone born in the mid-80’s, Space Jam was a huge thing for me, but I really did not like this song. Has some good raps, but no real hook, and the music is like all the other second-rate “Jock Jams”-fodder you’ve heard. Are you telling me “we’re taking it into overtime” was the only good basketball pun they had? No "I'm about to double dribble in your ass"? Grade: C-

Daft Punk – “Technologic”: They were clearly aiming for another “Harder Faster”-type hit, and they nearly pulled it off, except even the Top 40 audience thought this was too repetitive. Plus, the lyrics sound custom-made for an HP commercial. Which I think is where it ended up. Still has that undeniable “good Daft Punk” vibe, but this was stretching it. Grade: B

Hans Zimmer – “Roll Tide”: A long, soundtrack-worthy orchestral piece, with a whole bunch of movements and important-sounding instruments. It’s basically decent “soundtrack background music” and nothing else – if this album had any momentum at all, this kills it. Grade: C-

The Clash – “Rock The Casbah”: Wow, I forgot how ridiculously catchy this tune was. I used to hate it when people named this song first when they talked about the Clash, but you know, hearing it a few more times – yeah, it’s obviously a little too radio-friendly for what was supposedly a “punk” band, but it was a damn good tune that definitely had the “it” factor that kept it in the public vernacular 20 years later. Grade: A

E.S. Posthumus – “Pompeii”: Soundtrack music for a Matrix-ripoff. You get the tense choir vocals, but with industrial guitars and drums in the background. A lot more repetitive than most soundtrack music, but that’s almost a good thing here. If it was faster it could be a decent Propellerheads tune – I’m so sure this was made in the post-big beat era of 1999-2002 that I won’t even bother to look it up. Grade: C

YTMND Soundtrack – Volume 4
Has a picture of Captain Kirk on the cover.

Benny Benassi – “Satisfaction”: I went clubbing nearly every weekend in 2007, so it’s hard to imagine this song without hearing the buzzing bassline destroying your ear drums at a million decibels while seeing a bunch of scantily-clad women grind up against each other in that “let’s pretend we’re lesbian strippers but really not” routine . I guess that’s the rule to scoring a big club hit these days – make it ridiculously simple, and they will come. This may actually not be true since everyone was sick of this 2 weeks after its release, and yet it remained in heavy rotation for months. Placed squarely in the “let’s never hear this again” category. Grade: D

CheapAlert – “Nigga Stole My Bike! (Punch-Out Remix): Now we’re getting into songs that were made specifically for the internet. This is just some guy saying the title over the Punch-Out training music. That was a damn good tune, by the way. Goes on for five times longer than it has to, but I love it for that. Grade: B

Television Theme Songs – “Captain Planet”: TV Themes are a tricky thing – they don’t necessarily have to be musically sound, but they have to have good rhymes and a catchy hook, which this one definitely had in spades. Okay, so the rhymes were actually really lame, but they were easy to remember, and it’s just about the only thing I remember from the show. Such a weird superhero – a green man (with a dorky square haircut) who advocated things like solar energy and Greenpeace. Probably the only superhero show I can remember that didn’t produce one memorable villain. Sure wish he was around for the Al Gore era. We can only dream… Grade: B

Rappy Mcrapperson – “I’m a Gangsta”: Another user-created tune, working on that old goldmine of “let’s play a character that wants to be tough but it really dorky”. Has some funny lines (“I’m iced out like a freezer/I don’t listen to Weezer”) and it does take the piss out of gangster rap a little bit. That'll show those people who think they're "gangstas" but not! (this is 1998, isn't it?) I wish this guy didn’t have such an obnoxious voice. Grade: C

Max Coveri – “Running in the 90’s”: Another hyper-speed European dance tune, but it’s actually kind of catchy, if a little tough to listen to all the way through. I really want to see this video for the one. Grade: B-

The Darkness – “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”: With all sorts of groups like Tenacious D, Electric Six, and the Darkness coming out at once, I heard someone pose an interesting question – is it even possible to do the hair metal thing anymore without being an intentional self-parody? I actually liked this tune quite a bit, as it hit perfectly on the spirit of hook-filled hair metal while seeming to acknowledge its own ridiculousness. Kind of a shame this group was pretty much D.O.A. soon after. Grade: B+

The Vengaboys – “We Like to Party”: Did Eurotrash ever get better than this? (I suppose there’s Aqua’s “Dr. Jones”, but I’d probably file that under “pure, unfiltered pop”) This had one of the most obnoxious and catchiest melodies around, that was so incessant and fun that you didn’t even mind when the vocals sing along with it note for note. The Six Flags campaign pretty much claimed the song for itself, but hearing it now, I can’t help but think that this was the stupid party song done right. Grade: B

Dead or Alive – “You Spin Me Right Round”: Is there any worse fate than to be a one-hit wonder whose lone hit is best remembered for Meatspin? Ouch. Okay, so that pretty much ruined the tune, but still, like “Tainted Love” before it, this song had some amazing legs, charting three times itself and being someone successful in both pure pop form (by Jessica Simpson) and goth form (by Dope), and then it hit #1 when it was horribly re-released AGAIN by Flo Rida in 2009. I think people have forgotten since then how bright the synth tones were on the original. It’s a classic. Grade: A-

Apollo 440: “Stop the Rock”: The best way I can describe this is as Smash Mouth meets Propellerheads – Big Beat sound with a bit of Surf Rock and smarmy vocals mixed in. I actually enjoyed this a lot more than I want to admit. Grade: B+

Enya – “Only Time”: These YTMND soundtracks have some of the most horrible continuity I’ve ever heard. This song was the standard for internet parodies that dealt with tragic events, at least before The Lonely Island made that Imogen Heap song popular. I have a higher tolerance for Enya than most men do (meaning, I can get through a song without hitting the skip button), finding it sonically interesting enough to get past the hurdle of “this is boring as fuck”. So what can I say – a number of good hooks and a pleasant atmosphere, but hard to listen to more than a few times, and definitely not as good as the one that isn't actually named “Sail away”. Grade: B-

Geto Boys – “Still”: One of the better gangster rap tunes, creating a number of catchphrases back when this sort of thing was still in vogue. In the end it’s a bunch of guys yelling over minimal synthesizer backing that gets old after a minute or so. Grade: C

DJ Assault – “Ass-N-Titties”: Definitely an appropriate DJ name for something like this. It’s basically a bunch of dirty words (plus “soap and water”) over a pounding breakbeat, and it’s just short and tongue-in-cheek enough to make it kinda funny (at least, the first time). Grade: C-

The B-52’s – “Rock Lobster”: An absurd surf-rock classic, with one of the most recognizable riffs ever. With a keen sense of humor and kitsch, who wouldn’t want to party with this band? Wilson and Pierson’s vocal acrobatics (especially near the end) are the focal point, but it’s musically tight as well. Makes me want to hear the B-52’s again. Grade: A-

Geto Boys – “Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangster”: I think it speaks for the absurdity of this genre when one of its best songs became most known for its appearance in Office Space. I have to admit this one hits all the right notes. Grade: B

The Scorpions – “Rock You Like a Hurricane”: I find the Scorpions tasteless too, but not only that, they weren’t nearly as okay as even, say, Whitesnake. Quick question: what was worse, this, or “Pour Some Sugar On Me”? Or are they actually, in fact, the same song? Grade: D

Nintendo – “Super Mario World Ending (fast)”: All first party Nintendo games had great music, but how can I judge this without knowing what internet fad it was used in first? How can you even listen to music like this without context? (You: "You tell me, you idiot who decided to review every song on a YTMND soundtrack") Grade: C

YTMND Soundtrack – Volume 5
Has the guys from Night at the Roxbury on the cover

John Williams – “Duel of the Fates”: Here we go, here we go, here we go again, and we start with more damn soundtrack music. But I know this one! It’s from Phantom Menace! Like most Star Wars music, there’s a good hook and sense of drama, and you can remember it despite it being nearly a decade since you heard it. But would you ever specifically want to hear this? Grade: B-

Adam and Andrew – “The Emo Song”: Whoa, here are surprising revelations: emo kids are moody, look like women, and are probably gay. A few good lines – “I don’t jump around when I go to shows”, “I can’t get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing”, “You can read me Catcher in the Rye and watch me jack off”. But the vocals are recorded through a $10 mic, the music is really barebones, and mocks a group that mocks itself just fine. Grade: C

Haddaway – “What is Love?”: I was hoping we’d get this with the Night at the Roxbury cover and all, especially since we got a goth version two albums before. Screw this; I like it – simple, but effective, and the Night at the Roxbury sketches in SNL were always funny (unlike the movie). Still gets people dancing at a party. Grade: B

Clint Mansell – “Requiem For A Tower”: More soundtrack music. This one was the almost unbearably tense theme to Requiem For a Dream. Normally I’d give this a good mark, but the sound quality is so incredibly terrible on this thing – it sounds like they dropped out the top 30%, then distorted all the high frequencies that were left to compensate. Grade: D+ (but a good quality one would be B+ or so)

Dark Heartz – “Ya Get Skeeted On”: The stunned reaction of “wait, what did he just say?” is pretty much dead in a post-Internet world, but this one definitely gets the nod. Sounds like a genuine hip-hop hit, but it’s about getting skeeted on. You can’t not chuckle a little. Come on. Grade: B

Super Smash Bros. – “Dreamland”: Anyone who played the N64 game nonstop like I did has probably heard this repeating for a total of 24 hours in their life, so why do we get to get it stuck in our heads some more? Looking at it from a composition angle, it’s perfect – bouncy, catchy, feverish, disappointing when it ends. It’s the kind of song you find yourself whistling at strange times. Damn it. Grade: B+

Nobuo Uematsu – “Highwind Takes To the Skies”: Another clip from a soundtrack, this one I haven’t heard. Sounds a lot like something a second-rate RPG would play over a long story clip with unskippable dialogue that reads a lot like “Hope! You’re alive!” “Brother!!” “……” “……” “…….”. Sounds okay, hits the crescendos at the right time, is generally melodically okay. Still, after four minutes, the only reaction I have is, “it’s still going!?” Grade: C

Stephanie D’Abruzzo, etc. etc. – “The Internet is For Porn”: This one confused me at first – it sounds like a Sesame Street-like ensemble musical number, but unlike all the other “made for the Internet” songs, it's professionally done, not to mention a scarily accurate parody. Only later did I find out this was made for Avenue Q. I guess I kinda like it. There are two genuinely funny parts, but it’s not really going for laughs every line, which I think is actually kinda admirable. Grade: B-

Van Halen – “Right Now”: The grade goes up because of Lasagna Cat, to which this song is inexorably linked to in my mind. I can hear “I’m in the mood to party” all over this thing. Right now, I am also in the mood to party. Grade: B+

Gorillaz – “Feel Good Inc”: I had really hoped this group wasn’t done after “Clint Eastwood” hit it big, since they were one hit away from becoming a household name. Well, they did it again, with a song that hit even bigger, with a bouncy sense of rhythm, enough sections to be entertaining, plus a memorable guest spot (“Clint Eastwood” had all those things too). I should really pick up their 2nd album someday. Grade: B+

Yasunori Mistuda – “Burn! Bobonga!”: From some SNES game I don’t recognize (presumably). Moving on. Grade: C-

Dschinghis Khan – “Moskau, Moskau”: Can we get a better quality version of this? This is a great Russian-themed disco tune with a number of great hooks. I’ve heard this a few times before, and it’s no surprise – even if the music sounds foreign, a good rhythm is a good rhythm. Ditto for a good hook. See “Tunak Tunak Tun” for details. Grade: A-

M & H Band – “Popcorn”: A classic early technopop jam. This isn’t the original, but it’s still a good version, dating somewhere around the mid-80’s (I’m guessing…I really have no idea), which would put it around the “Axel F” period. I never thought it was particularly great, and it’s the tune’s foresight and early recording that really made it notable. Still a classic. Grade: B

Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass Band – “Spanish Flea”: Really? I have to grade “Spanish Flea”? Why am I doing this? For some reason, I always associate this with “The Angry Beavers” even though I don’t recall this song ever appearing there. This one’s another classic. Makes everything funnier. I really thought the Bran Flakes version of it with the skittering drumbeats and offhanded MC comments was ace. Seems inappropriate for any situation. Grade: A-

Ayumi Hamasaki – “Evolution (Time is Pop)”: I thought it sounded like one of those songs made for DDR right from the title, and by golly I was right. It’s fast-paced, features a really obnoxious high-pitched synth, and has at least one really incomprehensible vocal part (it’s all in Japanese, but parts of this just sound bizarre). How would this not be on here? Grade: C

Juno Reactor – “Navras”: And we end with more soundtrack music. Over 9 minutes of it. What is it this time? Ominous choir, ominous piano line (that with a kick and a thump could be used on the dance floor). And then…hi hats? What do you know, it does turn into a house track. And probably never actually was in a soundtrack. Four minutes in, everything slows down and goes to this “calm before the storm” phase, predictably builds back up, blah blah blah. Why put this at the end? Can you imagine a whole album of this? Grade: C-

YTMND Soundtrack - Volume 6
Has Darth Vader on the cover. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Danny Elfman - "Breakfast Machine": Is it weird that I listen to something like this and imagine how awesome of an Oingo Boingo song it would have made? A goofy soundtrack piece whose origin I can't quite place. Grade: B-

Nightwish - "Ghost Love Score": Booyah, a sprawling 10-minute epic is exactly what I wanted to hear! It seems to me like Nightwish is some kind of metal band with a female vocalist that sounds like some kind of spurned opera singer. There's a bunch of orchestral stuff, a zillion different sections, lots of dramatic chanting, and maybe about half a solid hook. Sometimes it even sounds like a parody of Dragonforce (or are they just a parody of themselves?) Grade: B-

Lil Jon - "Get Low": Did you know this was 5 1/2 minutes long? I couldn't help but know the chorus part word-for-word (I hate myself), and yet I still got it confused with 50 Cent's "In Da Club". As far as I know, this was a big part of a disturbing trend in mainstream hip-hop that basically showed that you could score a big hit by shouting catchphrases over a couple of synth notes. I wonder if this song would have gotten big if not for Dave Chappelle. Grade: C-

The Black Mages - "Zeromus": For some reason, this proggy instrumental reminds me of the late 90's ELP, and that's not a good thing. But there is a guitar solo and a few cool synth noises here and there. It's campy, but it revels in it rather than trying to hide it. Compare this to the Nightwish song - just as many sections, but it's 4 minutes instead of 10. Grade: B

Tom Jones - "What's New, Pussycat?": I'm a closet Tom Jones fan - how can you deny the brilliance of "She's a Lady"? It's hard to forget just how charismatic this guy was - this was back when you could make a song mischievous without being dirty. Has one of the greatest opening 5 seconds ever. Grade: A-

DVDA - "Everyone Has AIDS": DVDA is Trey Parker's band, which first did the amazing "Now You're a Man", the title theme from Orgazmo (which explains what DVDA stands for, something I don't want to do). This song was from Team America, and didn't really have any relevance to the plot, just a big Broadway-style musical number that happens to be about how everyone has AIDS. Pretty damn funny, if only because it's played fairly straight. Grade: B+

DJ Assault - "Nipples-N-Clits": I guess "Ass n' Titties" was so successful that it demanded a sequel. Makes even less sense than the original. Exactly how do you "get some more nipples and clits"? That doesn't even make sense. Musically: only two different notes played on the fart-synth, along with some kind of synth solo designed solely to eat time. It's funny for about 10 seconds, which I suppose is more than most of these tunes. Grade: D+

Ray Charles - "Hit the Road Jack": How to grade a song that's been a standard for decades? A song that everyone's heard a million times already? A few observations: one, it's shorter than you would expect. Two, the swinging drumbeat is very nearly the focal point of the song. Three, uhhh.... Grade: B

JS16 - "Stomp To My Beat": A thumping, mindless club track, lying somewhere in between Propellerheads-style big beat and trance. This had to have come out in the late 90's - it's the only time music like this could have worked. It really doesn't hold up well. Grade: C

Aphex Twin - "Come to Daddy (Pappy Mix)": Unless you were an Aphex Twin fan in the late 90's, you probably wouldn't have known that this guitar-heavy Satanic electrothrash song and its chilling music video were meant mostly as a parody. People flocked to Aphex Twin only to find that he really sounded nothing like the Prodigy. But the song itself was very carefully done - a twisted and distorted riff, carefully modified vocals, rapid-fire drumbeats, and a level of intensity that's rarely achieved (particuarly during the scream part). Grade: A

Marvin Gaye - "Let's Get It On": A classic in a genre I really don't know anything about. This was the beginning of the overly sexual smooth ballad, performed well enough to lodge itself pretty deeply in the public's consciousness. Used now as a 'funny' song choice in terrible comedies. What can I say. Grade: B

Alice Deejay - "Better Off Alone": This is one of those songs you hear consistently in DJ mixes (thanks to a catchy synth line) but could never quite indentify. I had always thought that one was the Vengaboys. Besides its main hook, there's almost nothing to this tune. At least it plays to its strengths. Grade: C+

DVDA - "America, Fuck Yeah": Another tune from Team America - honestly it's hard to hear this without the hilarious montage from the movie, but if this isn't the ultimate mockery of excessive Patriotism, I can't imagine what would be. "Liberty - fuck yeah! The Alamo - fuck yeah! Band-Aids - fuck yeah!" I guess it goes without saying that Trey Parker has pretty much the perfect voice for this. Grade: B+

Clarence Carter - "Strokin": This is another sexually charged soul crooner, but it's impossible to take seriously - first, the music is nearly entirely synthesized, to the point where it sounds like the soundtrack to a Sega Genesis game (complete with mock cowbells). Secondly, it asks some very personal questions ("when was the last time you made love?") and gives out some pretty personal information ("it got so good to her, do you know what she told me? I'll tell you what she told me") Thirdly, it's really about makin' love to yourself. Fourthly, it uses the word "sasified". Fifthly, it uses the word "shit", but replaces "ass" and "mouth" with "woooo!". God, I love this song, and God bless the YTMND soundtracks for bringing it to me. Grade: A+

Queen - "Bicycle Race": I remember this tune from when I was a kid - not that it was a hit in the early 90's, but its hook was so incessant and memorable that it would be impossible to forget. Cool tune, kinda nutty, but still cool. Grade: B

Television Theme Songs - "Cheers": Instantly recognizable from the opening piano line - another example of a TV theme done right. Projected the down-to-earth and friends-come-first attitude of the show pretty well. Still had some of the most atrocious lyrics of any TV theme - who didn't want to parody "makin' your way in the world today takes everything you got?" Grade: B

YTMND Soundtrack - Volume 7
Has Captain Picard on the cover.

DMX - "X Gon Give It To Ya": It's not much more than angry shouting over a synth loop, but I liked this one for a few reasons - first, the tempo shift in the beginning, two, DMX sounds legitimately angry, and three, he sounds like Macho Man during the chorus. I'm just glad there is one. Grade: B

Hard n' Phirm - "Pi": Yeah, it's loaded with double entendres, which fits the song itself, as it turns from a cheery dreampop tune to hip-hop for no reason. Has a few clever touches, but it's not much of a song, and I can't help but hate everybody involved with it. Grade: B-

Akitaka Tohyama, etc. - "The Moon and the Prince": Another one from the Katamari Damacy soundtrack. This is a brilliant semi-rap tune - it's unique, the loop is great, there's lots of energy, and there's no shortage of hooks. The vocals themselves seem unusually fragmented, as if they were randomly copied and pasted in, but that weird injection of surrealism is what made this soundtrack really work. Grade: A+

Caesars - "Jerk it Out": What is this, Smash Mouth? Overdistorted, left without much of a main hook, but it's a decent surf-rock tune despite a blaring organ part. But it does have the phrase "jerk it out". You make the call. Grade: C+

Rich Mullins - "Awesome God": Sometimes, people do bad things to you – they steal your stuff, spread rumors, break something of yours, or otherwise do you wrong. Sometimes when that happens, you’re not even really bothered by the thing that’s broken, or the rumor that’s spread, but are really interested in simply finding out who would do such a thing. Now, I went to Catholic school, which meant at every weekly mandatory Mass, we had to hear the choir belt out this overblown would-be hymn. So I’m glad it’s on here, just so I can see exactly who it is who wrote this atrocity. It gets a lot of use out of an irritating power-metal chorus that even gets its own blaring guitar solo at the end. This is nothing against Christianity - just my belief that Mr. Mullins penned one of the worst worship songs of all time. But he meant well, so I can't give it the almighty F. Hopefully God will judge him harsher than I did. Grade: D-

David Hasselhoff - "Du": It's all true - Hasselhoff was, for a short time, a pop star in Germany, who sung light, inspirational ballads like this one. Surprisingly, his voice carries it fine, able to hit power notes when necessary. It's just not a good song, and it's long to boot. Grade: C+

DVDA - "Now You're a Man": The Orgazmo theme I alluded to above - the idea was (I guess) to make the most macho rock tune ever, using all sorts of "what makes a man" lines. Like most of Trey Parker's other songs, it's hilarious if only for the vocals - his macho singing would be funny no matter what the lyrics are, and gives the song some humor that can't be explained by quoting lines. Grade: B+

Nintendo - "Super Mario World - Title Theme": Recalls the high-pitched, super-catchy score that accompanied the entire game, and it really makes me want to find my SNES again. Like most Nintendo themes, it makes the most out of the sounds that were possible, and is liable to get stuck in your head for years. This one definitely had some great music – I loved how there would be an extra drum track whenever you picked up Yoshi.Grade: B

Lords of Acid - "Spank My Booty (Reprise)": This is like a bizarro-world "Push It", with all the hooks inverted and made much worse. I guess there must have been a lot of demand for raunchy sex anthems on the late-90's dancefloor. Obviously it's not to be taken seriously, but how can you listen to this for more than two minutes? Grade: D+

Daft Punk - "Robot Rock": I guess there's something to be said for a tune that's been used in a zillion mash-ups over the last few years, that features one seriously kick ass riff. But there is literally nothing else to be said for it - with the addition of the vocoder a minute in, there is pretty much nothing left to the song. Which means that this one was made specifically FOR DJs; makes sense, as it sounds good in mash-ups, but even by Daft Punk's standards of repetitiveness this is bad. Plus, the tune was pretty much entirely sampled from "Release the Beast". Grade: B-

Juno Reactor – “Mona Lisa Overdrive”: Arrrgh they’re back! Juno Reactor here with another overblown techno soundtrack instrumental perfect for your techno soundtrack. This is the kind of music that usually goes with action scenes in bad sci-fi flicks like Ultraviolet. Worf. Grade: C-

Toshiro Masuda – “Go Go Naruto!”: Part video game theme, part kid’s show soundtrack – too bouncy and hooky to hate, but it does have some rather cheap instrumentation. Cute. Grade: B

Leech Axss – “Coming@Choo”: Another song made specifically for the internet, it’s basically a hip-hop song about hacking people’s PCs. Sounds a lot more legit – there’s an actual hook here (a bad one, but one nevertheless) and a vocalist that doesn’t seem to be using a $10 microphone. Still - kinda stupid. Grade: C-

Tomoyasu Hotei – “Battle Without Honor or Humility”: You may remember this from Kill Bill. Big drums, big horn section, big guitar riffs – yeah, it’s easy to see why a movie would want this (if it wasn’t made specifically for one). Works pretty well in mash-ups, too. Grade: B

Darude – “Sandstorm”: I remember the skit on Wale’s Mixtape About Nothing was about making a hit by slowing this down and rapping over it. It was meant to be funny, but all I could think was – you know, that will probably happen some day. As for the ‘storm – this was a huge trance huge in an era where many thought trance would hit it big, punctuated by a huge, easily recognizable hook. Doesn’t really do anything else, but it hardly needs to. This is Trance 101 – pretty much every move this song makes can be seen from a mile away, but it works. Always a great track to speed things up on the dance floor. Grade: B+

Buckwheat Boyz – “Peanut Butter Jelly Time”: Back when Kevin Federline had everyone terrified he was going to become a breakout star, there was a video of him playing “Popozao” in his studio with him dancing along in his chair. Someone swapped out the audio for this, and the resulting video was so funny that even 5 years later, I still see K-Fed headbanging and twirling his fingers to this song. As for the tune itself – kinda funny, kinda obnoxious, really could have been recorded better. Without K-Fed, I give it maybe a D. Grade: B-

John Williams – “Theme from Superman”: Back when all epic or superhero movies had their own orchestral score. Not as memorable as the ones from, say, Star Wars, but it certainly tries. Grade: C+

Dylan Leff – “Axel F (Saxophone Rendition)”: In the mid-80’s, Harold Faltermeyer penned one of the most famous electro jams ever, although he probably didn’t know it at the time. If you ever wondered how it would translate to the sax – well, there’s a good reason it was done on synths, but it’s neat to imagine it as a jazz tune. If you threw in people with too much talent to simply play it note-for-note it might be kinda interesting. Grade: C+

YTMND Soundtrack - Volume 8
Has Sean Connery on the cover (again) on a battlefield

Eurythmics - "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)": I like the idea of the Eurythmics more than I like the Eurythmics themselves. I love the Fantastic Plastic Machine cover of "There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)" but can't really stomach the original. I really like the idea of a woman singing in a robotic voice similar to John Foxx or Gary Numan, but somehow can't get into a group that does. As for this song - there's a reason nobody remembers anything past the chorus. It's really all there is. Immoral synth line though. Grade: B-

Ozma - "Korobeinki": I don't really like Ozma, but this grungy cover of the famous Russian jingle (made really famous by appearing as the main Tetris BGM) is pretty exciting. Pretty much everyone recognizes this. Grade: B

Necro - "Light my Fire": Not quite as emotional as Jim Morrison's version, I actually think I could enjoy something as ridiculously misogynistic and crude as thing if the rapper didn't have a lisp or such a nasal voice. Here's my RYM-style breakdown: Beats: C, Lyrics: B-, Delivery: C-. Grade: C

The 45 King - "The 900 Number": You hear this breakbeats+sax break in a lot of popular music and DJ funk mixes, but what to make of the original version which is literally nothing but the same loop over and over again? Who can listen to this? Grade: D

Paul Engemann - "Scarface (Push it To The Limit)": Pretty obviously inspired by "Eye of the Tiger", "Final Countdown", the Rocky theme, and, of course, "You're the Best Around". Not as good as any of those, but it's kinda inspirational, has a big synth hook, and seems made specifically for a montage. It very nearly sounds like Trey Parker is singing it. Grade: C-

Tiny Tim - "Livin' in the Sunlight, Lovin' in the Moonlight": A pal of mine had a weird obsession with Tiny Tim, and I can definitely say that although the character he plays is quite a fruit, he does it so well that I can't help but really dig the act. I like this one more than his signature tune ("Tiptoe Through the Tulips"). Playful, whimsical, a little mischevious, and Tim's falsetto is so over-the-top that it's hard not to smile. Grade: A-

Pat Benatar - "Invincible": Without looking this song up, I'm going to guess it was released in 1986 by listening to the first 20 seconds. **looks it up** 1985...close. Yesssssssss!! Grade: C

Transa - "Supernova": I really only judge instrumental trance by one criteria: could Scooter do this better? In this case, the answer is a resounding yes. Teeters close to "The Final Countdown"/laserdisco territory, doesn't have any hooks that haven't been used in every trance recording ever, goes nowhere. Thanks. Grade: D+

Japan Break Industries - "Japan Break Industries Eurobeat": Max Coveri, you can't fool me! This is you, isn't it? What? It's not!? I checked Wikipedia, and it looks like out of the man's 16 aliases, this is not one. The high-pitched synths and breakneck pace sounds exactly like the Coveri/Marko Polo tracks on the other collections. This one's not quite as memorable, but still a little fun. Grade: B-

The Avalanches - "Frontier Psychiatrist": I did not ever really love the Avalanches, but when the group gelled, they were really amazing. "Psychiatrist" is a mash-up of many, many samples, prominantly those from 50's horror or sci-fi movies, giving the track a real noir feel. The mixing on this is incredible - it never stays in the same place for long, and the various vocal samples even rhyme with each other! The ending (which is really just a segue) has a number of choice samples too. This is the kind of thing that sticks in your head for an awful long time. "Yes, some birds are funny when they talk..." Grade: A

Baracuda - "Ass Up! (IC3M4N Remix)": There is only one lyric in this song - "Put your ass in the air". Okay, so we've heard stadium house techno encouraging you to "move your ass" or to "spank that ass", but never to put an ass in the air. Exactly how is this done? Do you need a harness? Two people? To stand on your hands and just wiggle around? How could you do it without being knocked over? Why did this never catch on? Grade: C-

Joel Eriksson - "Battlefield 1942 Loading Theme": Every good video game needs a good loading theme. I guess I shouldn't grade this one harshly since most people only really listen to the first 15 seconds, but it's pretty decent. Standard marching tune with MIDI horn parts. Grade: C

The Band – “The Weight”: I have to say, The Band must have one of the worst ever band names ever. This is old-school folk-rock by a talented group, but not really up my alley. But it’s pleasant and sounds authentic, with a number of memorable lines. I’ll have to pick up something from this group…Grade: B+

Jefferson Airplane – “White Rabbit”: I’ve heard this drugged out tune many times, and really spent a lot of time trying to figure out all the drug references. Maybe I should just Wiki it. Grade: C+

Lemon Demon – “Ebaums World Dot Com”: Neil Cicierega is a weird type of celebrity – he’s got tens of thousands of fans, few of whom he’s probably ever met, none of whom are likely to be over the age of 25. I’ve always been a fan because his bizarre, post-modern sense of humor was appealing to me, plus his birthday was pretty close to mine so we’re nearly the same age. Anyways, I have gotten all the man’s albums, usually finding a couple of worthwhile tunes in each one, but this one is a specially-made track to hate on Ebaumsworld, and why not. This one goes a bit too far with its Lowtax-worshipping and Ebaum-hate (flat-out calling the guy a “piece of shit”) to really make much of a point. The song itself goes into the same old showtune-style routine that Neil’s been fond of for a long time. Kinda forgettable, and Neil just does not harmonize with himself well. Grade: C+

Joe Harnell – “The Lonely Man Theme”: Familiar melancholy piano theme that’s definitely been overused over the years. I can only imagine the kind of things they used this in. Composition wise it’s not bad at all, but it does sound like it came from a high-schooler. Just saying. Grade: C

Kumano Kiyomi – “Kurukururin”: Here’s a Japanese dance tune with synth-banjo and high-pitched vocals thrown all over the place. Seems like a terrible thing to get stuck in your head but it’s one good hook away from that level, not to mention all the cheap-sounding MIDI sequencing. Just think, if not for “Cotton Eye Joe”, this genre would not exist. Scary. Grade: C+

Boomaga – “The Bauman E-Mails: A Dramatic Reading”: By this time, YTMND had become a legitimate internet force, specializing in mashing up as many internet fads/memes/sensations together as possible (hence the opening track of this one). I don’t know exactly what happened but essentially, EbaumsWorld stole and watermarked an image from the wrong person, so YTMND responded with a denial-of-service attack that likely caused Ebaums a lot of financial damage. So Ebaums fires off a bunch of emails, probably meant to be confidential, but of course YTMND decided to go ahead and make them public. I can’t decide what’s funnier…the dramatic, second-rate Shakespearian readings, or the content itself, which sounds like its written by a 13-year old, with constant references to the FBI likening YTMND to “terrorism” and some really, really bad one-liners. Lots of “you’re going to be sorry” and “I have a lawyer”. You see these legal threats a lot around the internet – SomethingAwful even has their own fake lawyer to mess around with people who threatens them, and it’s always hilarious when someone takes it a little too seriously. Of course, nothing really came out of it, and in the end, YTMND had created another fad, but this time it was about themselves. YMTND will eat itself! Grade: B

YTMND Soundtrack - Volume 9
You can't stop me now! Sorry for the hiatus, all two thousand of you who have read this page! (or one guy who refreshed it two thousand times). This one has Conan (the talk show host) on the cover.

Soul Asylum - "Runaway Train": This is way too modern to be classic rock, but my God is it dull. "How on earth did I get so jaded?" Because you've spent your life composing mild, inoffensive soft rock? Grade: C-

L.A. Style - "James Brown is Dead": One great thing about listening to old European techno stuff is that you never know when you might discover something that Scooter sampled at one point. In this case, it's the main chorus hook to "Call Me Manana" (in this case, I'm guessing L.A. Style sampled it from something else anyway). As for the actual tune, it's kind of similar to "Cubik"-era 808 State. Something that probably sounded a lot more intense when only a few people were making this kind of music. Grade: C

Johnny McGovern - "Soccer Practice": Not as good as Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but it's the same idea and a little funnier. His voice sounds like a cross between Bowie and Cleveland from Family Guy. Sadly I think we only get one "Relax" per century, but this isn't a bad try. Also, maybe get a better producer next time. "Wait - you're not talking about soccer practice at all!" Grade: B-

Herbie Hancock - "Rockit": It's easy to forget how revolutionary this really was (at least once you realize that it is not actually the theme to Beverly Hills Cop), as nobody had ever really heard record scratches as the focal point of an electro-jam, if they had even heard scratching at all. It's really just all breaks, with melody, lyrics, and everything else coming second. Sadly none of the guys involved really perfected this sound, so now I'm just waiting for someone like DJ Shadow to bring it back. Grade: B+

Edd Kalehoff - "Deja Vu": I was not at all surprised to find that this bright piece of instrumental camp came from the composer of most of the music for The Price is Right, since it sounds exactly like that swinging, horn-heavy incidental music that the show is famous for. A bright spot, considering the next song is.... Grade: B

Beethoven: "Moonlight Sonata": Only one of the loneliest sounding piano pieces ever written, and something that makes me feel silly for trying to put a grade on. Beethoven - he was pretty good, I guess. Grade: B

Rammstein - "Feuer Frei!": The calm blip noises that begin the tune actually blend nicely into "Moonlight Sonata", then bang! Metal bang! Makes me feel 16 again in all the wrong ways. I wish these guys were still popular in America. Its crazy how tame this sounds next to modern in-yer-face dubstep. Grade: B-

DZK - "Haley - What's Your Age Again": There are a number of things that I find uncomfortable to this Blink-182 inspired tribute to pedophilia, but most of all is the way this guy shoots right for the sky and injects an interlude where he just says "Do a barrel roll" over and over even though it has nothing to do with anything else in the song. This is my generation - "can't think of anything funny, so let's just reference something from 10 years ago that we remembered as kids". Also, this guy sounds awful multitracked. Come on, we're more clever than this. Grade: D-

Miracle - "We Ain't Scared": I can't claim to know much about hip-hop but I'm relatively sure it's not supposed to sound like this. The rapper in question has an obnoxiously squeaky voice that he multitracks on top of itself, which sonically is pretty similar to a bunch of small dogs barking at once. With that, sped-up drums, and a computer-generated bass line, there is virtually no middle at all. The result is pretty unsettling, though I feel like he's just clowning the whole time. Arf! Arf! Grade: C

Razor-Gator.com - "Razor Gator Anthem": I love this commercial theme, not because the song is catchy, but because it's so sloppily done, as though it really was just made up on the spot by a guy in his office with no recording equipment, no instrumental talent, and no singing voice. And yet, it is unforgettable. This is why I still listen to these things. Grade: A-

The New Seekers - "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing": Speaking of jingles - this moderate sized hit was originally adapted from a Coke commercial, which is actually pretty damn awesome, and exactly the sort of thing I wish would happen today. I mean, how did a full-length version of "It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better with life" not get made? By today, I obviously mean 10 years ago. "Only takes a minute to rejuvenate my razor..." Grade: B

Daler Mehndi - "Tunak Tunak Tun": YTMND comes through! I knew that somewhere this song had to be included, because it is literally one of the most perfect, infectous "you have to dance right now" pop songs ever made, which also just happens to be one of humankind's greatest music videos. I used to LOVE dropping this song when I was still DJ'ing, because about half of my generation can still identify it, and those who don't can't help but look confused as hell as the rest "ride the camel", if you catch my drift. Also, it is objectively the best song ever made. Grade: A++

The Brady Bunch - "It's a Sunshine Day": Man, even the Beatles couldn't write something this stupidly catchy more than once or twice an album. It's not quite on the level of "I Want You Back": the instrumentation is cut-rate and none of the Bradies can really sing all that well (especially Greg, who is saddled with the only semi-deep voice of the lot and thusly cannot hide in the mix), but there's nothing wrong with Sesame Street pop, even if it does make you want to vomit. Grade: B+

The Simpsons - "The Land of Chocolate": I have no idea where this music was adapted from, but if the Simpsons writers wanted me for forever associate it with Homer dancing around and eating chocolate people, mission accomplished. Grade: B

Tito Puente - "Mambo Gallego (D-Code Remix)": Speaking of Simpsons references. This groovy tune has so many soundtrack connotations to it that I'm not sure what I'm supposed to hear when I'm listening to it straight. I'm guessing the original was better, since this really doesn't go well with a hip-hop beat that works against the vibrant nature of the song. Grade: B-

TV Themes - "Walker - Texas Ranger": I love so much that Chuck Norris actually sings his own theme song. I miss the days when televised law enforcement was intimidating and more badass than the criminals themselves. Grade: B+

Nintendo - "Kirby 64 - Pop Star": This is about when I start to lose my patience for the YTMND soundtracks, as more hyper-speed chirpy theme songs is something the series isn't exactly lacking. Not as good as Kirby's Smash Bros. theme either, not by a mile. But man, Nintendo sure is good at pumping this kind of thing out. Thanks, guys. Grade: B-

Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing": I once read that this song had the greatest "money shot" ever recorded, and my God is it glorious. This is such a fun song to do karaoke - it feels like every other line was cut out, plus you get to cringe through the "faggot" lines. Plus, I'm sure that nearly anyone can sing it better than Knofpler does. Does that last name match his voice perfectly, or what? "He really knofples his way through the whole song". Thank the Lord they got Sting, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of this past the intro as much as I do. My goodness, this song is almost 9 minutes long! And still as crisp and sterile as it was on the day it was born. That ain't workin'. Grade: B+