Darktremor's Comic Routines
Submitted by darktremor on Fri, 11/11/2005 - 12:23
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- I've decided to post some of my comic routines up here. A lot of this will make no sense, as it's very physical/tonal (based on tone-of-voice changes at opportune moments: think Brian Regan) - I think there are about 10 different accents and volumes used throughout. More than anything, I'm posting this here for storage, as in, so it doesn't get lost when my computer crashes again (it will). If you're going to read these, let me know if you think of any improvements (and you very well might, they're not great at this point - I'm always trying to improve them, and of course, add more.).
- If there's one thing in this entire world that drives me totally and completely nuts, it's, when you're at a hockey game, the ridiculous things people shout out at the players. Like take the other day, for instance. I'm sitting down, watching my brother play his tournament, when the woman to the left of me starts shouting out "EVERYBODY! Skate up! Skate up! SKATE UP!!!!," while the guy to my right is sitting there going "EVERYBODY FALL BACK!!! FALL BACK! FAAAAALLL BACK!!!!" I mean, these people are sitting less than three feet away from each other. Do they not realize they're shouting completely opposite commands? And besides, do they actually think they're going to have any effect on the game? You see the coach in the dressing room "OK team: We're not gonna plan out any plays tonight. Instead, I just want you to do whatever the fans shout out." Even worse has to be the people who just sit there going "SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE SKATE!!! (quietly) I don't know what they're doing but I know they're gonna SKATE SKATE SKAAAAAATTEEE!!!!" "What? We can skate? HEY TEAM! IT SEEMS THERE'S A BETTER WAY!!!" If I ever own a hockey arena, I'm going to have a little billboard that tells all the fans what to shout at the game, and have a little soundproof box for people who shout anything different. I think hockey needs a penalty box for fans. "YOU! OVER THERE! Two minutes for dancing like a friggin moron." "YOU! OVER THERE! Four minutes for shouting stupid-ass commands at the game. HEY! Who the hell eats sushi at a hockey game, that's five minutes." YOU! Yeah, you, sitting beside me. Full-season suspension for being thirty-five years old and not yet discovering the use of deoderant." I think they need to make oderant for people who smell too good. "Shit, I woke up smelling like flowers again! Thank god for rotting carcass..."
- Pedestrians are like speed bumps with legs. Fuck, I'm going too fast! A little to the right, man with hat...
- Lately I've been dating a psychic. I can't stand it, she tells me how long I'm going to last before I even get into bed. That could explain why we've gone 8 months without doing shit... I mean, my sex life last week went something like this: Monday: "Honey..." "2 minutes 22 seconds. Go to sleep." Tuesday: "Honey..." "1 minute, 6 seconds. Go to Sleep." Wednesday: "Honey..." "Don't you "Honey" me. You went off a whole minute ago, and there is no way I'm taking the sloppy seconds." Next time, I think I'll date a girl with amnesia. Every night will be the best sex she ever remembers having. I mean, I'll do anything at this point to find a better woman. I even tried internet sex for a while, had to stop, I couldn't get the condom over the monitor.
- [My riff on Rodney Dangerfield, two quotes of his in here]
- What a childhood I had. Like take my dad for instance. I'd ask him if I could go out skating, he'd tell me to wait until it got warmer out. And school: I never could stand school. The learning itself wasn't bad, it was just every time something went wrong at home, I'd fail another class. My brother gave me a black eye, I failed math; my sister broke my Tonka trucks, I failed English; my mom got a vasectomy, I failed health class...Man. And I was an ugly child too. As a matter of fact, I was so ugly, my mom used to feed me with a slingshot. I guess it had it's advantages - we lived in a tough neighborhood, but we didn't need a guard dog: my dad would just get me to sit on the front lawn every time a gang walked by. Everybody called our house the safest in the whole community...when I wasn't inside. We spent a fortune repairing the mirrors though, I must have something like 287 years of bad luck by now. Honestly, my face was so hideous, I would go to school, and the teacher would tell me not to get a haircut. They would've given me detention for being dressed inappropriately with the hair too short, but they didn't want to kill the supervisor. In fact, I was so ugly as a kid, we didn't keep any lights in the house for my family's protection. They would've put a bag over my head, but every time they tried, it shrivelled up and fell to the ground. I honestly used to wish I could someday be half as attractive as those paper bags. What the Hell, I still do.
- I really don't understand that new "steeped tea" campaign with Tim Hortons. I mean, steeped tea, by definition, is tea that come from leaves. Does anyone besides me see a problem with this? Like, are they going to adapt that campaign further? AND COMING UP NEW AT TIM HORTONS, WE HAVE...LIQUID COFFEE!!! [Only Canadians will get this (if you're going to get it at all), which is OK, I'm Canadian]
- I wonder I'm going to name my kids? I think I'll call the first one..."Loudmouth Dumbass." But what to name the second one...how about..."George Bush." If I do that, it'll be so easy getting them to the dinner table - both will come running no matter whose name I call.
- You could write a book about each one of my thoughts. Of course, that book would consist of only binding sheets and a title, and that title is pushing it...
- I wonder how many times a day the person whose number is 3-2-1-2-3-3-3 gets a call that's the rest of the tune to Mary had a Little Lamb. [You REALLY can't get this unless you hear it]
- Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. This is probably why no intelligent life can be found on either planet.
- [Why am I posting this one? I would never perform it, it's so absolutely terrible...if you're reading this, do me a favour and don't look at this one]
- [The one below is almost equally bad, as I forgot to qualify earlier, as well as forgetting to post the end. ]
- I've been screwing up in university lately, I can't wrap my brain around chemistry at all. It hurts, and makes a mess on the page. Plus I get crazy papercuts on my frontal lobe. Have you ever tried putting a band-aid on that thing? It's fucking impossible - it always makes me go off on a rant in Cantonese, cause I hit the wrong place. Beijing. I met a Chinese man the other day. He couldn't speak English at all, which is why it was good I had a box of band-aids. But I couldn't get 'em open. According to the child-proof package, I am still a child. I would love to be a child again. If I was 30 and I had no job, they would call me unemployed, if I was 3 and I had no job, they would call me cute and give me a belly rub. I never did get the point of a belly rub. I want to be rubbed the only fucking place that never hurts!!! Those shoulder rubs are where its at, a belly rub is like a shoulder rub that missed.
- [Sometimes I cut this one shorter. Also pretty close to impossible to get without hearing it, a VERY physical and tone-based act this one is].
- I've found the most excellent way imaginable to take out your anger. Rather than punching out your asshole boss, kicking the crap out of your ex-girlfriend, or performing chinese water torture on your mother-in-law (although these are all great techniques too), I find it helps to take out your anger on random objects. For example, say I was angry at my boss, rather than beating him to death with a stick, and risk being sent to prison for 30 years, I could go outside and publicly slander...say...eyebrows. '"I JUST CAN'T ENDURE THOSE BLOODY EYEBROWS! THEY'RE THE MOST RIDICULOUS BODY PART I CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE, I MEAN, WHAT DO THEY EVER DO FOR US? THEY JUST SIT THERE LOOKING ALL SMUG UP ON THERE ON YOUR FOREHEAD DONG NOTHING AT ALL ALL DAY LONG...WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO FOR US? DO THEY STOP THE RAIN, NO THEY DON'T STOP THE RAIN, THEY JUST SIT THERE LOOKING LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS! IT'S LIKE HAVING A LITTLE ASSHOLE ON YOUR FACE THAT ISN'T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO PRODUCE SHIT!!! IF I HAD MY WAY I'D HAVE ALL THE WORLDS EYEBROWS BURNED OFF THE HUMAN FACE!!! I JUST CANNOT ENDURE THEM!!!!" (add more to this, it only really works improvised)' Of course, this tends to work even better if you do take out your anger using this method more directly. For example, : "THERE'S NOTHING I CAN'T ENDURE MORE THAN THAT HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS!!! IT JUST DRIVES ME UP THE BLOODY WALL! MAKING ME WORK ALL THOSE OVERTIME HOURS WITHOUT EXTRA PAY, TAKING CREDIT FOR ALL MY HARD WORK, NEVER GIVING ME ANY RAISES OR PROMOTIONS. AND WHAT'S WITH THAT RIDICULOUS GUT? DOES THAT HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS DO ANYTHING BUT SIT IN THE OFFICE ALL DAY DRINKING CHEAP WINE? NO! NO IT DOESN'T!!! IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I WOULD PLUCK ALL OF THEM OFF, THEN KILL THEIR STUPID LITTLE SUCKUPS WHO DO NOTHING BUT BROWNNOSE THEM ALL DAY LONG! I JUST HATE THE HAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FINGERS!!!!" Of course, this technique can horribly backfire if used incorrectly. Like for instance, my British friend started getting pretty fed up on his first visit to Ottawa, when I advised him to try randomly ranting. It went something like this: "I HATE THOSE BLOODY CANADIANS! THEM WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS WORDS...LIKE...LIKE HOME-DOGG, AND HOME-SLICE - GOD EVERYTIME I HEAR HOME-SLICE, I PICTURE SOMEONE PUTTING A LITTLE HAPPY FACE ON THEIR DOOR, CUTTING IT OFF, THEN TAKING IT TO SCHOOL WITH THEM AND MAKING OUT WITH THE BLOODY THING!!! I WOULD LOVE TO BLOW THIS BACKWATER LITTLE COUNTRY OUT OF EXISTENCE!!!" I'm sorry to say, he's no longer with us.
Brian Regan is hilarious. I won't comment on your routine without seeing or hearing it, of course. Except that #9 is as bad as you say, and the Mary Had a Little Lamb joke is great.
lol, glad you enjoy some of it.
I'm not so fond of 10 either, actually (plus it was accidentally missing the end when I posted it).
I can't really describe my tone, but people describe it as cross between Brian Regan and Mitch Hedburg. (That's not a comment on my quality, just the way I deliver, I would never consider myself anywhere close to as good as either genius. Personally, I don't even think I'm particularly funny, people just seem to laugh at it, and I like making people happy.)
lol! Start your own blog (or post the address if it's up). It's gonna be a massive hit.
lol.
I have a blog, but it's not this type of blog (although I occasionally post this kind of thing). It's an intermittently updated livejournal that occasionally contains things that are interesting to read, as well as lots of extreme randomness (what you're reading here is filtered randomness). Unfiltered randomness looks sort of like this:
If muffin pants digested my lower teeth, I don't think homoerotic pandas would give me peanut brittle. Not not not not not not not true. Figure THAT one out, Gorbachev. There's a stick up my ass! Honestly, that saying is ridiculous. If I had a stick up my ass, I would be so happy, that thing would be so fucking useful. "Shit! We're out of logs and the temperatures dropping!!! Andrew..." Or if you got attacked in a back alley. "Yo man...give me the cash... FUCK! Don't even toch me with that thing!" And honestly, even if it did mean you were uptight, that thing would come out in like 10 seconds. You're running around the track..."What the hell is that! Over there! On the ground???" "I don't know man, you think that's weird, Bobby's being FUNNY!!!" I bet the stick regenerates. (*sings)OOOH...take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing...for you... What the hell? I'd take that photo down if it WAS singing...that is not romantic, that is schizophrenia!!! Have you ever swallowed a pair of safety scissors? Safety scissors are probably the dumbest invention ever created. "And coming up next, we have...THE SAFETY GUILLOTINE!!!" I would love to make a musical instrument called the "electric guillotine." Swaziland is populated by sticks, we're all going to be rabbits by sunrise. Disk drives are filling hydroponic CD case, and they're DAMn happy to see you, so stay off the porch or I'll grow nectarines out of my lawn gnome.
You know, not particulary interesting, but with the essence of things that could be funny, surrounded by piles of nonsense (sometimes I go into these seas of nothing and pull out possible jokes, and create something useful out of them). Basically, it's pure stream-of-consciousness. My blog is a combination of that, my day-to-day life, and announcements to my friends. If you still want the address, I can send it to you by e-mail, but it's more of a personal thing.
Wow! Now why does this does make sense? And I thought I was the only insane guy trampling around at listology. Sure I'd love to check your blog...mail me.
There ya go!
I update rarely though...
Also , apart from random ranting what can also help is start beating up non-animate items (or shoot 'em if you like). Really helps... only that post the anger-explosion, it gets a bit expensive.
Expensive?
Do you mean tiring? Yes, I agree. I always cut the centre part out (because it's a single joke that leans completely on the first one, only it lasts too long for proper payoff), unless the audience REALLY likes it.
Yes, inanimate objects are often a subject that works well. :)
Expensive as in money. I mean no one would really be amused if you hurl their 1000 bucks worth oriental mug out of the window in rage...*shudders*
lol! Gotcha.
Indeed, I've had some bad experiences taking out my anger that way...
After all...children cost money...
*laughter* agreed :)
"As a matter of fact, I was so ugly, my mom used to feed me with a slingshot". ROFL!!! :) That is some classic!! I can just picture that...LOL!! *dies of over-excitement*
Teehee!
You wouldn't understand, I just got the craziest image in my head.. just picturing that. lol :P.
Care to describe?